It's not too late, but it might be soon.

Some one can only hurt you so much before you quit. we can only take so much, I can forgive until i die, but forgiving does not mean throwing myself under a proverbial bus of hurtful comments and actions that no one ever takes resposibity for.
You eventually need to hear an appology, or at the very least, some sort of somthing that lets you know they care about how you feel or that you are a priority at all in their life.

Lord, please give me grace, wisdom, and strength to do your will and act how you would have.

if dorian gray could sing...

Write your rhyming verse,
And your catchy chours,
Think of some witty bridge,
and sing your song to them.

Are you satisfied?
Singing hollow words
To a deaf and dumb crowd?

You make it seem so easy
How you gracefully ingore
Your blessings and your gifts
And always ask for more.

You glorify yourself,
And every pretty girl.

So go and sing your song
Let arogance prevail.
Lets hope your aryan beliefs
Don't sing you straight to hell.

Coffee

i need it.
i'm good on caffine, i want coffee though.
i want that bitter taste im my mouth, i want to drink cups full of black kenyan AA coffee.

don't let them see you cry....

I feel like today has lasted for a life time. i've been drugged up, disapointed, patronized, uplifted, put down, self-depricating, joyful, and given the cold shoulder all in a 20 hour period.

I'm worried about my bestfriend, i know she'll always be there for me, but will she always let me be there for her? b/c to me, the latter is much more important.
i'm tired and can't sleep
i haven't had a real conversation in atleast two days. i feel like God is so disapointed in me, i might just die from this conviction.
I figured out that i 'm emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship, but not spiritually.
My heart isn't in the right place. It's with God, as always, but our desires aren't matching up, and i don't know how to make that happen.
i'm lonely...it's been so long since i've been truly lonely, but i feel like even God isn't willing to listen to me. Everyone i talk to just says "you'll be on your way home saturday, that's not very far" but to me, it's 5 more days without my friends, it's 5 more days before i'm back in my comfort zone....i wrote saturday in my journal that i wouldn't let my desire to work for the Kingdom be deminished just because i was taken out of that zone, but i can't keep with that. I feel dry, i feel lost, and i feel like i'm alone. i just wanna be home.
I'm so not ready...this is a simple challenge, but it's one i'm failing at. I need help, i need encouragement, but neither of those are likely to come. i just want someone my age-ish, who loves God and is in love with God, to talk to face to face.
this is my fault, i need to fix it, i need to get right with Him.
I'm weak, i'm breaking. God help me.
i'll make it, it's really not that bad, others have it much worse. difference is not bad, loneliness wont crush me, i'll be okay. despite the lack of help or support, or even conversation. I have God, time to let Him have me.

once again.

I'm searching for a friend for the end of the world.
and i pray for her on a regular basis now, or i'm starting to atleast.
but i'm hung up, i'm afraid, not of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. i can deal with my own pain, i can stand on my own in a storm of rejection, but i can't breath in the presence of someone else hurting because of me. and i mean, really, because of me, a decision I made, something I said. I can't hurt people, and it scares me to.
also can't even think about having anything serious right now, but i'm not suppose to date unless it's for marrige right? i'm just wasting my time otherwise...so i've been told at least. i don't know how to deal with all of this. Is it worth the pain? Is that 7 months, that 16 weeks, that year, worth the pain when it ends? as for my experiences with it, no, but then again, i was in really bad circumstances then. will it be different with a girl?
am i right to be scared? will this fear cause me to be alone forever? i'm already asking a lot of her, to accept me and my past, is it fair to ask her to break through my fear too, when she probably has her own also?
Do you ever feel good enough for the person you love?
so many questions...and no one to ask..
Guess i'll turn to God with them,...it'd be nice if He sent me someone though, i'll pray for that too.
*-.~._+.~*_-`-~*
So, i prayed, and i'm better.
still scared, still need someone to mentor me, but i'm better, at least, i feel better about said things. I'm alone in my cousins' house, and i just started worshiping and it was amazing and intense, and then i spilled something so i cleaned it up, and then i prayed, and it was amazing and intense and so deeply satisfying i feel like i'll never have to drink or eat again. I feel so content. My life is really in all actuality His life, and His life is never gonna go wrong so i have nothing to worry about and everything is gonna be peachy and golden and beautiful and yellow.
God is good.

Simpler

i've decided that i want to live a simpler life, i'd like to live a much simpler life when i move out b/c i can't really do this while i'm here.
to help me with this i made a list of things that i don't want when i move into my own place.
maybe this can help you too.
*TV
*Microwave
*More than one computer
*Phone line
*Coffee maker (i'd rather have a french press)
*Digital clocks (anywhere, at all, in any house i live in. i will never foreget how to read a analog clock again)
*Dish set for more than five people
*Any mirrors outside of my bathroom
*Blender (cocktails are better dry!, kidding...sorta)
Feel free to ad anything to this list that you can think of that i don't need to live.
I think i'm gonna break down and read irresistable revolution, Shane Claiborne's book, too. I think it might give me more ideas and help motivate me for this some more.

if i was a Venters.

If i could write songs, i'd write you one to tell you how much you mean to all of us and about how you've made this bed and you've dug this grave. It'd talk about how you could have helped all of this, could have hurt a lot less people. I'd sing lines about forgivness and grace and about how you eventually do have to realize that your life isn't that bad. that you have a great family and an amazing little brother who looks up to you, and you live in a great town in a house with a pool, your parents understand you and i might also mention that you have a running car and how that puts you in the top 8 percent of the world.
i would probably call it Ignoring Blessings.
it would most likely be in a minor key. a harmonica would be used, and i'd end with some line about how i wish you wouldn't try so hard to push us away, because pulling you back is getting really hard.