Living is the hard part.

I feel like if i was character in Blue Like Jazz, i would be Andrew the protester. I'm not nearly as rediculous as him, but i have said many of the things that he says in that book...on my own. the one i agree most with is that dying for God is easy. Of course i'd die for God, getting shot because i believe in Him or refuse to not worship Him would not be the hardest part. Absolutely no offence to those who have died for God, i respect those people greatly, b/c that kind of faith is somthing to be respected. But for me personally, It's LIVING for God that is causing me problems, and is hard and is not as easy to follow through on. When you're 15 and wear some stupid t-shirt that claims that you would die for God because He died for you, that's practically non-commital. I mean, how many chances in your life are you really gonna have to decide if you're going to die for Him. I feel like this sounds harsher than i mean it to,....i simply mean to say that i am not called to die for Him, but to Live and Love for Him, and that's HARD, and i need help with it. I need accountability and guidance and a mentor and a firm churchfamily/supportgroup/suckychristiansanonymousgroup. and i have the last one, it's called the Shack....you should check it out.

Blue Like Jazz

So, i've been reading blue like jazz here and there and never really more than two days in a row and really only at work, so last night i went to the wired bean while i wasn't working and read and really comprehended what Donald Miller was saying. Oouch. It left me wanting to Love God and to accept His Love and Grace and to be Obedient, and to really commit my life to Him, and i realized after that, that i thought i'd already done all those things. And i've Loved God for a while, but letting Him love ME was a different story. It's always been hard for me to let people Love me, because honestly it didn't happen to me outside of my own immediate family until i was about 13. I didn't really get freinds until then, i didn't want them, i didn't want anything to do with anyone really. So letting God love me is not an easy thing for me to do, but i'm working on it, i'm allowing Him to have Grace with me and Forgive me, while asking Him to help me do the same to myself.
Having the desire to commit my life to God did not neccessarily mean i did......Ps, that's like getting married and after four or five years you've realized that you had the intentions of being commited, but didn't ever really....... So i'm changing that too. If i'm going to serve my church and my community and my family and my work place, i need to be commited to and in love with God. that is, if i want to do it correctly and from all the right places..which i do.
Also, i need to look more into/pay attention to social justice, or lack there of in our world. I haven't decided if this is just because my church/some of my bestfriends are quite concerned with it, or if it's just somthing i feel the need to do. But either way, i feel that it's important to me to know at least a little bit of what's going on in the world outside of Columbia.
i feel like bubbles of my myself are rising to the surface.....like eventually i'll actually be me, the me that has a heart lined up with God's.

SHAAAAACK

Shack council meeting was last night. amazing. I'm really excited about this year, and what's gonna be done with The Shack. I pray that we do get a good bit of new comers, i'm also a little nervous about having these responsibilities, but i'm also glad to have time. i'm glad to be really serving the Shack. We also need a freshmen housechurch and i really really really want that to be started up, b/c Rio helped me in an amazing amout of ways last year.
We'll see.
This is going to be a good year.
Funny that this "year" is starting in the fall, haha school really screws your schedule up.

I'm dealing with some pride, but in small personal ways, and it's kind of leading into judgment issues which i really don't want to have. So i just need some help with that.
I'm doing better in gerneral though. i'm glad to have a schedule to my life again. It gets frustrating, but it helps me be productive and i'm bad at making one myself.

so.

So, i should have listened.
i should have listened to God and to my Bestfriend.
I didn't wanna do this, i didn't want for this to happen, but something like it would have happened eventually, b/c i just couldn't...not as much.
Why can't i want a serious relationship, how can't i be ready? why couldn't i like her as much as she liked me?
This was stuipd and unnecessary, and if it is how i feel, so it isn't petty, it still feels like i behaved like someone much younger than i'd like to appear to be.
How could i ask the questions and not listen to the answer, want guidance and then refuse it b/c it wasn't what i wanted.
I wanted this, i really really wanted this, there is no reason for me not to. There's also no reason for me to not be ready for it, b/c i wanted it that much. but i'm not, and there are parts of my life i can't neglect b/c of somthing i want.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Hah.

I'm a douche bag who has childish tendencies.
more on this later.

i'll never think of menthe the same again.
or pecks on the cheek.
I'll never forget,
and you held my hands.

I was so nervous, but God calmed me down...i think He approves? but that might be pompous of me to assume, so we'll just hope for the best. It was better than i expected, and my mind is crazy and has a rediculous imagination.

this is so new to me....i'm so scared that i'm gonna screw it up.....God is my wingman? is that heresy? i'll ask dan.
Lunch with Bob and Caitlin tomorrow!!..and maybe crazy Chris?

Dear Internet

Life is SO good.
Also, i'm not going to school next semester. That sucks, and my mother has decided to halfway ground me? i have a cerfew and a time to get up... but ya know? i'm really okay with this.
August 15 is going to be the best day ever, b/c that's the day that my brother starts to have a real adult life at the age of 22 and that's when a bunch of wonderful girls move into an appartment on Pickens Street.
Hopefully i'll get enough hours at the bean that i wont need to get another job, b/c really, i don't know when i'd have time to.
BoomgoLife!.....it happens.