I would die for you, you know?

I will pour out until i have nothing left in me, until God decides that it's my time to join him, until i wither away and have nothing left to give. I will not leave here without trying everything twice, I will not leave you alone, I will not leave until I have helped you all. I'm called to do it, by my faith and by my love. Even if it wasn't expected of me, there is no way i would leave any of you. I will not stop trying, loving, giving, and mending until there is nothing left for me to do.

Every time i'm on my knees, waiting for Your strength..

I will find You there.

It's taken me a while to get to this post because i'm not sure if i can get through it. That being said, i have no clue why this is so hard for me, but it is.

So Easter was amazing. I've never actually felt Easter like i did this year. Joey's lesson was absolutely amazing. I cried. He referenced Pop Culture, b/c it helps him relate to people. We took communion. I realized who i would be without God.
That is why i cried. Joey asked us, to just close our eyes, and think, imagine, what it would be like if God didn't exist. If God never effected our lives, Jesus was never born, and never died for us, if the covenant was never made. I actually did this, usually i dont because of my imaginatioin, it gets a hold of me sometimes. I felt like a hole had been carved in to me. actually, into my heart. For about a second, i felt completely empty. Devoid. like i was about to colapse because i was not being sustained by the only thing that can. God. He asked us to envision who we would be in this Godless World. That is really what made me cry.
All i saw was flesh. Skin. Nakedness, sex, lust, heat, and an utter lack of love. It was made very plain to me what i would be if God had never interveened (i can't spell) in my life. 9-10 i would be a prostitute. I know this sounds over dramatic, but it's not. Sex for Money. I would like to think/say/write i haven't thought about it...but i would be lying. i don't know if others have thought about it like i have. and by that, i mean, consider it. If someone came up to me, asked me for sex, saying they would give me 500 dollars.........could i turn it down? Being educated, and knowing the lifestyle, and where that road leads. Now, the answer is YES. two years ago....i don't really want to know my answer. If not a prostitute, than just and overly sexual, sexually immoral person. Which is no better nor worse than the first.
These are my struggles, and this is what God has saved me from. THIS, is why i have given up my struggles to Him, and why I decided to kill a part of my earthly self for Him. and this is why i will never, ever, regret it.

OH LORD!

How i have missed you, You never left me, but i felt disconnected for nothing but a day, and it left me wanting. Who are You, that my heart cries for you the minute it feels that it is without you. I don't know what this means, but i do know that my heart aches, my soul aches, when i am not abiding in you. I guess i'm growing, i guess i'm learning more about this life called being a Christian. This Love that has my chest feeling ready to burst, that makes my bones hurt and my soul want to do all that You need and want it to do. You will never leave me, and i will never be with out You. I feel like screaming for You God. I have already screamed for you once today. You're making me into a crazy person.

Appropro, status quo, who knows?

So, my inappropriateness suprises me sometimes. Like, three or four times this year already i've done wildly inappropriate things. It stems from when i was more or less "out" at highschool and people expected me to be wild and say whatever came to mind, and it was the easiest way to take potentially negative attention and turn it into humor. I figured that if i just upped the shock value around me, then people would pay less attention to the fact that a non-heterosexual was saying it. and it worked, i got to hide behind being inappropriate and lacking manners and saying whatever crazy, wild and potentially hurtful thing that came in to my mind. It was also really freeing, to not care what others thought or to not have to worry about offending anyone b/c as far as you knew, your lifestyle offended them much more. And as i've always chose less than popular (socially acceptable) lifestyles, it's always been a defence thing. b/c when you get to a point, people wont confront you b/c they are afraid of what you're going to say, and how loud you're going to say it. And it's still really freeing, but it's momentary, because i always get called back down to earth and back to Christ and i end up feeling like the ass i've made of myself. We all have bits of our past selves we're trying to put away, to burn out, to excape, this is mine. I've always rebeled against some status quo or another, claiming to be a non-conformist, but i was just conforming to the less acceptable ideals.
_______________________________
Just so you know, i realized all of this as i was writing it...why do i have a habit of comeing to the realizations at my place of work?
So, i appoligize to anyone that i may have offended recently due to some inappropriate comment or another, i'm trying to get better.
_______________________________
Lord, please, help me guard my words, and let them be ones that lift you up and enhance your Kingdom, not my own.

Wow, is this what lou feels like?

Dear God,
I feel like i'm going insane for you. Like, i had quiet time and we talked, and i'm a little behind on my day in general, but it doesn't seem important. then i came back inside and lost my crap entirely. There was music that was christian, but kinda pop-indie-blah...and i completley flipped and started jumping around and dancing and yelling and praising You. I've never felt the impossiblity of losing you or hidding from you more than i do now. What does this mean?
I feel different. Does it have anything to do with the anniversery today? aaahhhhh i want to scream my love for you, but that wouldn't be enought. I want to cry out with the trees and rocks and animals and all the others who believe in you at once. I want every follower of Christ to just scream at the top of their lungs, their love for you, at the same time. What an awesome sound that would be. Don't let me ever be sane again, if sane is what i was before this day.
Love, Denton
The benjamin gate-good music, i need to look them up.

So a year ago today, God told me (told me is used loosly) that i had to make a choice. so i did, i had a break down in my shower at like 11 at night, and Gave my homosexuality to God. And for a year i have abstained from dating or becoming emotionally/romantically involved with another male. I've slipped up physically, but emotionally, my heart has remained His. Thank you God.

This is amazing.
i feel lost in the peace He is giving me.

Pride?

God, i feel like outside of those amazing shack trips i take, our relationship is you yelling at me until i have a break down (recently at my work in the back when no one is here). I know i was having trouble giving stuff over to you, which has never been a problem until this winter, but it's so hard now. Have i become prideful? Oh, Lord, how did i ever gather together enough self-esteem to become someone who carries pride? Lord, break me. Break me of this, break me of my pride and my stuborness and my fear and my insecurities. Send me through whatever trials neccessary, i cannot keep my heart from you Lord, nor do i want to. I cannnot hide, so i will not try. Break me, piece by piece, until all that is left, is a heart wanting of you and a wispered prayer of thanks on my lips.

I am humbled.

Lord, i am in wonder of your ways. I feel small when thinking about your plans, but i know i'm so important to You and am held up to be so special in Your eyes.
You have layed out somthings for me in these past five days and i am so humbled by them. I am scared, but i'm working on it, it's intimidating, but i have confidence in the confidence You have in me. You will not give me that which i cannot handle.
____________________________________

My past is behind me, I am bigger than it. My future holds far too much.