Make a joyful noise to the Lord of all the earth!

My goal this weekend in savannah is to pray. as much as i can. and hope that it helps me and everyone around me. Praying makes me feel like i'm doing somthing....i like it. I like the communication between me and God also...ahem..excuse me..God and I.
This week i spent a lot of time with people i love. it was a blessing and the only reason i got through this week.
Sunday night was amazing. I actually got to finally hang out with some of the Shack guys. It really helped me to do that also...this could be the start of a beautiful thing...i mean..masculine thing.....
Monday it was Asia's birthday, and she only thought like four or five of us were going to show up at the bean and me and madison invited EVERYONE. it ended up like 25 people showed up. how amazing.
Wed. night i met up with stephanie and that was really good to see her again, and then tuesday and wednesday night i got to see megan and cass and josh and they really lifted my spirits. like they always do.
When i think about all this, and that i'm leaving a lot of this week out....i'm so overwhelmed with the people that love me and that i love in return.
So, Thank God for me in your prayers...and i'll be doing it a lot too.
Also, please pray for my prayer, b/c i want to really go through this life praying...it's the best way i can help.

Go out and make a joyful noise...be a fragrance to our Lord.

If you attack me when i'm sleeping, i can't fight back.

and you know..that's not fair at all.

When am i going to stop having dreams about him. He was in my mind before he was in my life, I had dreams about him before i met him....It's not fair. These are the best dreams, and they are the ones that make me sick when i wake up. The most beautiful nightmares i'll ever have. Lord, God, Father...help, i realize that it is because of my own disobedience that this happens, but i need help. It scares me that this can happen at a time when i can't fight back,...i can't even pray. I fall asleep feeling protected and wake up feeling wounded in batte. It screws with my head..all morning i keep going back to that dream...and it breaks my heart....it breaks my heart everytime. but it's a heart filled with desires that aren't His.

I need an out...i need a big red flashing EXIT sign.

and yeah...it was in the rain...so, so not fair.

So i have a little picture in my head

And i have to be honest, it's not entirely mine. Its like a copy...or cover of one i've seen before...and thats me and my wife sitting in a coffee shop, one of us doing work, the other there for quiet company and support, and we're both there just for a little "us" time away from the kids, b/c her sister is watching over them. We know that they are safe and therefore can relax. I sip my toffee nut latte', and she drinks her coffee, it's black, and we are content. we smile, and chuckle somtimes, and everyone who sees us feels that it's right...and the0 kid behind the coutner in the coffee shop then understands that God has a that instore for them too.

i really need to get a journal for this stuff.

In my fear

I fell from You. I'm worried that I slowed your work down....I didn't think i could handle all that You were giving me, therefore i neglected one part and in effect started ignoring You. That's what You get for being so right all the time, telling us what we've done wrong,.....even when we can't bare to hear it.....So I chose not to hear it...or atleast pretend i couldn't. I could hear You the entire time....i could feel You, but at my back not in my heart......i didn't want You there. But i'm ready to listen again...I'm ready to deal...i can make it through this...i'll take it as a compliment...and say to myself..Look how much He knows you can handle?!?!..and maybe, just maybe that will keep the trepidation at bay...
_________________________
How much longer can i continue to go? When will it make me break...when will working all week, closing on wed. nights and opening on thursday mornings-getting 5 hours of sleep tops- plus going to school just become too much? I don't know if i can do it for another three weeks. UGHHHHH GOD PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(screaming that in.....5...4..3.2.1!)

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be

I've come to think that there is no power in prayer....the power is God's..not in prayers...not in us...it's the power of His Love and Grace for us.
It's okay...I'll be okay...they'll be okay...we'll all be fine. I asked for all of this..I asked for Brokeness, I said i was going to confront my fear about loving people with substance issues, I said i wanted to confront my fear about living up to what people saw/see in me...I'm getting all of that....thanks God?..no. Thank You God.....Thank You for my stife, i will grow from it. i will learn from it...i will be sharpened by this.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be.

Be patient with me...I'm breaking....i'm trying my best to cope, and to ride it out...but i'm going to have some really hard times.....i feel like i was a tree, and i'm being made in to tissue paper.


And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be, .....

I would die for you, you know?

I will pour out until i have nothing left in me, until God decides that it's my time to join him, until i wither away and have nothing left to give. I will not leave here without trying everything twice, I will not leave you alone, I will not leave until I have helped you all. I'm called to do it, by my faith and by my love. Even if it wasn't expected of me, there is no way i would leave any of you. I will not stop trying, loving, giving, and mending until there is nothing left for me to do.

Every time i'm on my knees, waiting for Your strength..

I will find You there.

It's taken me a while to get to this post because i'm not sure if i can get through it. That being said, i have no clue why this is so hard for me, but it is.

So Easter was amazing. I've never actually felt Easter like i did this year. Joey's lesson was absolutely amazing. I cried. He referenced Pop Culture, b/c it helps him relate to people. We took communion. I realized who i would be without God.
That is why i cried. Joey asked us, to just close our eyes, and think, imagine, what it would be like if God didn't exist. If God never effected our lives, Jesus was never born, and never died for us, if the covenant was never made. I actually did this, usually i dont because of my imaginatioin, it gets a hold of me sometimes. I felt like a hole had been carved in to me. actually, into my heart. For about a second, i felt completely empty. Devoid. like i was about to colapse because i was not being sustained by the only thing that can. God. He asked us to envision who we would be in this Godless World. That is really what made me cry.
All i saw was flesh. Skin. Nakedness, sex, lust, heat, and an utter lack of love. It was made very plain to me what i would be if God had never interveened (i can't spell) in my life. 9-10 i would be a prostitute. I know this sounds over dramatic, but it's not. Sex for Money. I would like to think/say/write i haven't thought about it...but i would be lying. i don't know if others have thought about it like i have. and by that, i mean, consider it. If someone came up to me, asked me for sex, saying they would give me 500 dollars.........could i turn it down? Being educated, and knowing the lifestyle, and where that road leads. Now, the answer is YES. two years ago....i don't really want to know my answer. If not a prostitute, than just and overly sexual, sexually immoral person. Which is no better nor worse than the first.
These are my struggles, and this is what God has saved me from. THIS, is why i have given up my struggles to Him, and why I decided to kill a part of my earthly self for Him. and this is why i will never, ever, regret it.