savannah, GA

So i'm here, for my brother's fiance's graduation...i'm really glad for her, and proud b/c a degree from here is not easily attained, and most of her classes were like 4 hours long due to her major...
but i kinda wish that i was at home. I love it here, and glad that i am here, but i miss home and i missed alys' bonfire yesterday, and am missing russell's party tonight. But it's fine.

I'm going to Camp edisto in a week.....and this is how i feel about it-ajdklf jkbjadhfbk cbjhaoidjgvb hfdbijdsvhn oi d ijsdghdgj dgksd d kds dh gdd dsj hkjdshg.
now, to put that in to somthing you can understand....i'm scared, excited, willing, fighting it, loving it, hating my reluctance, trusting God, and ignoring myself....
blogging is how i cope....you think i kid...
Can I lead kids in Christ?...will i have to...prob....but will it be all the time 24/7 while i'm there..no it wont...it's going to be fun and being stupid and acting older than these kids when we all know that we're really just too big for the ages in our hearts...i'm about 15, lou's about 10, and i don't know who else is going...i actually don't even know if lou is going....ah, why do i have to do everything the drasticly different and new way.....why don't i ever know anything about what i'm doing?

Lord above all, i trust You in this, help me Die to myself, and allow me to live the life You have for me....Please Please just let me love these kids and this camp and do what You would. I love You.

Some things i want....

1. To hang out with my bestfriend.
2. To drive to NOLA and hang with Tony.
3. To have saturday's off from work.
4. To go to the All Get Out show tomorrow.
5. To see Prince Caspian, b/c i love the book so far.
6. To hang out with shackers again.
7. To have Shack again.
8. To see Garret Curry and talk with him again.
9. To have better control over my bad habits.
10. To have the discipline to spend more time with my loving Father.

Oh, God, my God, where exactly have I been?

I feel like i've had a really good summer so far, but i think that's also because i've blocked myself off from what i need to see/feel. i think i've guarded my self because if i had actually been feeling and seeing what was actually going on in the past two or three months, i would have killed myself. Working so much and arguing with parents and going to school and having a lot of friends go through a lot of stuff, it was just too much and i didn't think i could handle it..
well that's crap and i could handle it and to an extent i did, i just pretended it wasn't as bad as it actually was, and now i feel like i didn't/haven't noticed what exactly my bestfriend and one of my other bestfriends and another really good guy friend of mine were going through and now it's kind of hit me in the face.
But i'm back..from outerspace??? (
no but srsly, i'm going to start being a real person again now.
and i just found out that my bestfriend wont be working at the bean and that sucks a whole lot. I feel like she should get dibs on a job there.
I also need to appoligize to her because a while ago she recomended every man's battle to me and i was like "Raahhh, i can't do that right now it's too difficult." when she's reading every woman's battle right now, i feel like i should be going through this with her? i dont' know if that's valid or if it's even healthy, but frankly, it's all i need, so i'm going to go get the book soon.
i'm also trying to get back into art..again...i feel like my artistic side needs to be exercised...
speaking of that, my body does as well, so i'm going to go do that.
:)

comeing and going, living and loving.

God, just let us make it through our losses and see You in our brokeness.

1 friend moved to NoLa, story of my life: get close to amazing person, wish i'd known said person longer..then they move away. Happened with erin, happend with tony, is gonna happen with lou-carol-bob......but i'll not ruin what i have with these people with bitterness. i love them each dearly, and will cherish the time i've had/will have with them. God has given and He will take away, but not before i'm ready....I trust in this.

2 friends going through a hard time right now: I love them both, and know that with time and prayer they will come out on top and be okay and be safe. I just have to wait and have wisdom for them when it's needed..and that is up to God... They both mean so much to me, independently and together....God has them...i trust in this too

2 girls coming back: they are two of the most amazing girls i've ever known and will ever know. They are strong and wonderful and so beautiful and will be women of God someday again...He will call them back into His arms.....i, also, trust in this.

1 boy who i struggle with: and thankfully is stronger than i am...I love him, and really really want to be his big brother....i just need to stop wanting to kiss him....because that helps no one...and i'll have strength...i've gone over a year....and i will go many many more....God is more important than my flesh and even my heart...if it breaks a hundred times because if this..it's fine, because i know He'll make it swell 100 times what ever it breaks. He fufills me......i trust and love in this.

1 group of guys: they are the most amazing kids ever...and they will keep me in line...they respect me..i can tell....and that means more than they'll ever know......i'm growing to love them immensly. God will cultivate these relationships...i trust in this more than ever now.

good.

So, there's God....and He, He is good.
Just, so so good.
We pray to Him, and He answers, we cry to Him, and He listens. He loves in a way that makes my heat ache to think about it. He makes it worth it...He makes us strong.
He is the Love of my existence. All three of Him. he he he
::sigh::
The Lord is Good...it would do us all well to remember that.
;)

Make a joyful noise to the Lord of all the earth!

My goal this weekend in savannah is to pray. as much as i can. and hope that it helps me and everyone around me. Praying makes me feel like i'm doing somthing....i like it. I like the communication between me and God also...ahem..excuse me..God and I.
This week i spent a lot of time with people i love. it was a blessing and the only reason i got through this week.
Sunday night was amazing. I actually got to finally hang out with some of the Shack guys. It really helped me to do that also...this could be the start of a beautiful thing...i mean..masculine thing.....
Monday it was Asia's birthday, and she only thought like four or five of us were going to show up at the bean and me and madison invited EVERYONE. it ended up like 25 people showed up. how amazing.
Wed. night i met up with stephanie and that was really good to see her again, and then tuesday and wednesday night i got to see megan and cass and josh and they really lifted my spirits. like they always do.
When i think about all this, and that i'm leaving a lot of this week out....i'm so overwhelmed with the people that love me and that i love in return.
So, Thank God for me in your prayers...and i'll be doing it a lot too.
Also, please pray for my prayer, b/c i want to really go through this life praying...it's the best way i can help.

Go out and make a joyful noise...be a fragrance to our Lord.

If you attack me when i'm sleeping, i can't fight back.

and you know..that's not fair at all.

When am i going to stop having dreams about him. He was in my mind before he was in my life, I had dreams about him before i met him....It's not fair. These are the best dreams, and they are the ones that make me sick when i wake up. The most beautiful nightmares i'll ever have. Lord, God, Father...help, i realize that it is because of my own disobedience that this happens, but i need help. It scares me that this can happen at a time when i can't fight back,...i can't even pray. I fall asleep feeling protected and wake up feeling wounded in batte. It screws with my head..all morning i keep going back to that dream...and it breaks my heart....it breaks my heart everytime. but it's a heart filled with desires that aren't His.

I need an out...i need a big red flashing EXIT sign.

and yeah...it was in the rain...so, so not fair.