broken broken broken broken

Fix me.

Can I actually ask this? Is this what I seek? Is this the door I want to knock on? I ask these questions not because I don't know if He'll be okay with it, but because I don't know if it's what I want. Before I do ask for God to fix me, I have to be able to answer all of those questions with a resounding YES!

I know that I will be answered, I will find, and that door WILL open. If I don't want those things, than it's wasted breathe and dishonesty.

Love love love love LOVE.

I need to be sure and willing. My heart has to be asking louder than my brain or mouth.

I think it is.

Where are we?

what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

So, yesterday started great. I cleaned my room, lounged a bit, ate, left and got my hair cut.
I was going to go see Grayson and Mel, hear some new songs and such, it felt like it was gonna be a really fun great day.
Then I rear ended a car.
I luckly swerved so the side panels got almost all the damage, and only two pieces on each car will need to be replaced, both relativly small, but sill over a thousand dollars in damages. I'm fine, so are the other people, they were even really nice. Their car is driveable, mine isn't. I got a ticket but the really nice cop said that they prob. wouldn't show up to court, so the charge+points+fine will be dropped. Let's pray that this happens.
I'm also sick. Woo.
I'm freaking tired of 08, and can't wait for it to be over, but this is my fault, not the year's, not God's, not anyone's but mine. Life sucks and then you die, Heaven is hopefully the next part in that sequence.
I wish i could listen to Imogen Heap tonight. it would help me sleep a lot.
<3 size="2">spin me round again
and rub my eyes,this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

Eventually

I'll come back.
I'll remember Truth, Joy, Happiness.
Actually, I'll feel them again. I remember them clearly, it's what keeps me going.
Lord, Lord, bend my knee to You. Soften my Heart, b/c I haven't been obeying, and it's getting hardened more and more every day. I need You to start chiping away at it.
But, alas, I am still thankful, I am glad, and these things are of You, King. You're not going anywhere, I know, but I'm still eager to get back to You. My heart aches in Your direction and my steps are leading me toward You. I'll turn my face to You, soon and very soon.

Cold

I need to be cold.

Cold=Clarity for me. I have no clue why that is, but I need clarity bad.

I feel like I'm foggy, like my life is foggy, and it is, it's foggy and dirty with sin, my sin that I am commiting and need to stop.

I need spiritual windex...anyone got some of that? I'll prob just have to make it myself.

satan my be tempting me, but I am following, he may be stealin my joy, but I am letting him.

Yet He is greater, and gives me joy, and delivers me...but only if I let Him, if I want Him too.

Lesson of the day: Want God to save me.

Easy...right?

Nope, but I'll get there.

I use to love this town

I use to play with both feet on the ground

There's a friend of mine who deals with grace rather poorly. As in that he can't really accept it, from God or others.
This friend has also taught me more about grace than almost any other person I know. He's taught me how to use grace, how to have grace with others, particularly because I've had to use a lot of grace with him, but regardless I've learned more from him than he'll ever guess. Unless I tell him, and I might.
It's funny how the people in your life who lack in thses kinds of things can teach you the most.

Now, if I could just slow myself down enough to have some time with God. I feel like I'm constantly moving and thinking and stressing. I need to sit outside, on my porch while it's raining and just, give in to Him, let my dams be washed away and my heart be clensed.
I desperately need to recognize my mess, realize that I am still a broken person, and I still go to a church for people like me. A free flowing water-like church.

Accept, release, live rejoice.