Love is patient

Christmas has moved me again and again this year. Singing carols has brought me to tears several times this month and all day i've felt like crying out of pure joy. I think of the presents i got some of my friends, the ones i'm making, and i tear up. I cry a lot for a person, a whole lot for a guy, but today has been insane. I just keep tearing up and am filled with love and joy for my family, friends, and my Lord. He has been so gracious to me and the ones who loved me.
Love, love love love LOVE LOOOOOVE. It's around me soo much! I feel like my house, world, church, and just LIFE is filled with it! I feel it from God so much. I don't know why it's like this. But i'm completely okay with feeling like this. It's amazing.
I don't know how to explain this. I feel so joyous and happy and loving and 1 Corinthians 13 has been sprinting around my head all day. Every spare moment i've just sat, A little voice (God?) has been like "Love is Patient, Love is Kind...." I don't know why, but it's been crazy. If anyone can explain this to me, that'd be awesome. Not that i'm complaining.
So just remember, Love IS patient and Kind and holds NO grudges.
Merry Christmas, and all that that implies.

Does mama have to do everything around here?-Tina Fey

So i realized somthing today.
Punishment is not justice. Punishment is glorified revenge, the punisher is a legalized vigilanty. Forgivness is justice, to forgive is to be just. I often tell my mom (and by tell i mean argue with) that if i get murdered i don't want her to press for death charges. I don't agree with capital punishment. Is it odd that i would ask my mother to forgive my murderer? That i would ask all of the people who love me to? If something like that happens to me, i want the people in my life to forgive them, to realize that true justice will ONLY come when that person sees our Lord. No matter if they spend months, years in prison. Or even if they die, it will not bring any one "closure" and will not be justice, it will be revenge, and anyone who knows me knows that that's not what i would want. I don't know why i am thinking about this today but i am.
So, i'm going to go through my mind, and the people i believe need to be punished, i'm going to try my hardest to forgivle. It's going to take a while and it will be trying and hard, but it'll happen.
So go, go out in to your world, your life, and fogive. I'll be praying for you!

I need you like water in my lungs

Dear Diary,
Today sucked, i've eaten way too much, and good books are few and far between.
The. End.

Have i told you lately, that i love you.

Have i mention how much i love and adore and am greatful for my friends? They might all of boyfriends and girlfriends, but they will always know how to make me smile and supply me with the warmest feeling in the world. God has blessed me with an asian that expects the best of me even when i don't, a dani that will taste anything i hand to her because she trust me, a neurotic spaz that pushes me through school, a small dancer, libral who puts me in a better mood no matter what and and entire house church that supports me. and that's not the enitre list. He has been so good to me.
Look back and see what He's given you, it's an amazing experience.

O-oh oh, here i am again.

Here i am again. All my bestfriends have boyfriends(they're all girls), my family doesn't ever see me, i feel alone in a coffee shop that i've lived in for years, and all i can do is put my head in my hands, taking in the sent of espresso grounds that defines me as a barista and wonder why. Why did i end up here again, why do i find myself in this position more often than not. Why i don't have that person, friend, family, some one who works in the same building as me, that comes and sees me, comes and visits me when i have no customers. I have my bestfriends, and i have a few of them, but they, at this point in time, have more-significant others than myself, and i really don't enjoy forcing myself on couples. So i ask God why, and then i remember that i don't have someone because i don't have the relationship with God that i need to have to be in a relationship. I would love someone to fall into infatuation with, to be smitten by, to glow about, but those things end, and it's never good, and would just futher distract me from my relationship with God.
and yet still, even knowing that, i just want that person. That person will talk to me until 4 in the morning, no matter how many times i tell them to go to sleep if i'm keeping them up, that will throw food at me and that will laugh at all my rediculous traits.
God of love, my Lord, my King, give me strength to give You this offering.

Why i love my church/columbia

I just woke up in the shack. on the big red couch. I didn't really intend on staying here last night. I mean, it was a possibility, and i came to columbia knowing this, but then i just figured i'd go home around like 1, and then i fell asleep. hahaha, who knew?
Love,
Denton

ay-oh ay-oh-ay-oh-ay!

So, i hope this doesn't discredit me as a good judge of music, but i like the new santana/chadfromnickleback song.

News: I got my helix (cartilege/upper ear) pierced yesterday. it hurts, but it looks good.
I slept through the night without damaging it or even waking up, so that's good. And now i just have to get through my shower without crying.
I can do this!
What i'm telling myself is that even if i took it out right now, i'd still have to do all the cleaning things and they'd hurt just as much, but the end result wouldn't be as cool and wouldn't look as good.
Good thinking eh?

Am i ready to let go? not at all.

But it's okay.

God will give me strength, God will give me peace. And I will meet with Garret and Julia again.

Garret,
no clue if you will ever read this, but here it goes.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could never say these words enought to you Mr. Curry. You were the brother that never judged me, and i'm so grateful. You never expected anything but honesty from me, and you never assumed anything. You asked about everything and made me face questions i didn't think i could. And you did this in an hour sitting on sticks and leaves talking to me as a pastor, friend, and brother in christ. You are the oldest person i have ever talked to about my struggles and a male at that. Sunday night, last night, your last Shack, all i could think about was that conversation we had, sitting in leaves while the boys played football. I'm sure you would have loved to join them, but you sat with me, helping me, asking me questions, listening to my answers.

I can only Hope and Pray that God will put another man in my life as willing as you.

so once again Garret, thank you.

And thank you too Julia, seeing you and Garret at the Wired Bean, I would think to myself, "wow, so that's what marrige is like. Cool" It made me look foward to it even more.

I love you both, and am going to miss you, but i'll hold you in my heart and think of you often.

Merry Christmas, and all that it implies,

Denton

so, about that one time.

Ugh, never, ever again.
ow.
<3 u all.
last night was fun, and friday night was more fun!
to night is garret's last shack, i don't know what i'm going to do.
rawr.
bittersweet weekend at best.

The water is rising and my legs just wont swim.

My school work feels like the dirt being scooped in to my grave. What ever happens, i will not become overwhelmed. i refuse to let go and drown! God will raise me up and take me through this, i know He will.

Though the world moves like mad

You alone are faithful.


As i sit here in the wired bean, my veiws on abortion are being formed. Wether this is God, or just my own heart i have no clue. My heart is Gods to have, so maybe it's both. But i'm holding back tears of sorrow and pain and anger. I'm infuriated by everything that this topic contains. How can people not want those children, how can women let some stranger vacum out their uterus, and how can any doctor do that to a child, a woman, a life, a soul? I have never made a offical view on abortion, until now. I never let myself think about it, until now. But my heart is twisting in my chest and my soul is crying for these women.

What started this? an essay, not one i'm writing, but one that i'm reading for class. It's from a nurse at an abortion clinic. She describes the process in grave detail. One part of me is saying " How dare they take away what God has given them, that which He knows before it is born? and another part of me is saying "I have no uterus, i don't know what they're going through, and i never will. i don't know their situations and i never will.

I'm writing this because i don't know how else to process this information. Normally when i do this, i don't post it, but i feel the need to post this, so at the very least, maybe i'll some prayer about my convictions on this, and maybe even someone will have somthing to say to me to help me.

Dancing on Platt Springs

I realized today that driving is like a dance. A very dangerous dance between you and all of the other drivers on the road, moving and weaving in and out of the larger dances.

and then i realized that it's probably the most dangerous dance i'll ever dance.
and that made me a little sad inside.

Homeless rehab?

Is there a more PC way to say this? i mean i pretty much hate PC bull shit, but if this is going to really offend people, than i need a better way to put it.
But in the time being, columbia needs some kind of Homeless rehab center, i'm pretty sure that it'll have to be privately funded, because i don't really know if we could get government help with it of if we (state government) really has the funds. But the homeless in columbia don't need more meals, they have a chance to get 6 meals in one day. They need a place to stay that will encourage them to get a job and to get clean if they are on drugs, sober if they drink too much, and give them and adress for their checks to be sent to. Even to get a freaking drivers licence. I mean, some of these people need psychological help b/c they're war vets.
If anyone who reads this would like to help me in researching this and how to maybe possiblely get one started, contact me here or email me at Cole.Cruser@gmail.com
Thanks!
Love,
Denton

Merci beaucoup, Gracias, Danke, and Thank you.

God, thank You for my family
Thank You for my church (home, family),
Thank You for my work,
Thank You for my friends,
Thank You for my struggles,
Thank You for my school,
Thank You for my brother,
and Thank You for my house.

Will we ever stay up for the sunrise?

So,..... over a week with out seeing you for more than 20 minutes. i don't like this at all. and it really shouldn't be a big deal, i mean, its just like 10 days or what ever, but by the time i do see you it'll have been 14. with one little break at tiyos. and I miss you a lot, and i realize that i can't have you all the time, i know i have to share,.....with like 800 other people. aaaaand i also realize that you can't help a lot of it, neither can I. Yet, it still sucks. I have to go home early from columbia when i'm there b/c of school, and you don't have a car and can't drive, so you can't come see me, and you have a boyfriend, and i have a job. I just really miss you, and you'd think i'd be use to it by now, but i'm not. I don't think i ever will be. If/when you do leave, i will still not get use to it. But i'd rather have it this way. I have a lot of things i need to tell you, but i wont put them out on the blogosphere for everyone to read. I'll right you a sappy note, a thanksgiving one?? it'll be a new experience, haha.

Why i decided to write an entire blog about this...iiiiii don't know. but i did, and i love you, and i miss you, and come home (my home) and drink coffee until 5:30 in the morning b/c we can never stay up for the sunrise.

Worship is a lifestyle.

So, the past three times i've worshiped with other people, it has been amazing. (btw, i worship through music and praying) Saturday at SOL and Thursday at Rio and sunday at Shack, They were all amazing. and all had really cool parts to them. Like sunday, i was just praying for joel, and he looked straight at me. Caught me off guard, now i was standing infront of him and he was leading worship, but i generally don't make eye contact with people i'm praying for while worshiping. but it was really cool. And i prayed for jessica, and david, and jessica and david...(jessicandavid)....you can make them in to one word, haha. anyways, that was cool, i've realized that i love praying, for myself, for other people, for groups i'm part of, for entire cities, nations, and the world. I've prayed for the world, it was intense but i liked it. It just feels so right to me, like it's what i should be doing. of course sometimes it feels forced, but usually that feeling goes away and it just comes to me what to say. It's amazing, and this is sooo weird, b/c i use to have a hard time praying quietly, like inside my head. i use to sit there and be like ..."hey G to the od, what's up? hows it hangin in heaven.....um...um...amen" and that happend rarely.

Now though, i pray all the time, out loud, in my head, infront of no one or all of shack, even over the phone with some people. This is a huge leap in my spiritual depth. i should have guessed that prayer would be a gift of mine...i mean...have you heard how much i talk? but i was always real shy, and maybe it took me finding a familychurch to let me come in to praying fully. i dunno, but God is amazing.

The end.

Love, Laugh, Worship.

Denton

Shack on the Lake

Friday: i was apprehensive, anxious, my chest hurt from the tension i felt. Then we chilled and it was cool. Finally we worshiped. I layed down before my Lord and He put my emotions on the table, i sobbed, i mean, i have not cried like this in years and they were some of the best tears i've ever shed. I was so thankful for everyone around me and the love i could feel pooring out. Lou talked and bared her self to us, it was shocking and amazing and i comend and respect her so much for it. We played mafia, i sucked at first, second game i completely killed and won, third game i was narr. and tony and britt won and were amazing. Then i stayed up until 4 talkin to courtney and tony and God, i prayed against tempations and was delivered.
Saturday: Woke up sore, ate, had quiet time and rocked out to Obssesion. Learned how to chill and hear God, Had the most amazing game of sumo in my life and pulled a muscle. played more games and almost found jason, but was distracted by my impending asthma attack. We worshiped in song and it was the most amazing experience in my entire life, i have never felt comunity like that, we screamed and laughed and prayed out loud ( i was the first one to pray and God totally took care of me for that) and danced and i could once again, feel God's love spilling out of my Brothers and Sisters in Christ, four different times i looked at somone and God called out for me to pray for them so i walked to them, embraced them and prayed the words God gave me, God worked through me like i've never seen or felt before, we hear Garret talk, most of us cry, we all learn somthing, and then we go to the fire and talk and encourage and worship and pray and cry and hug. i walk back up to the house at 1 in the morning, we've been worshiping for 6 hours. i almost cry in amazment and gratitude.
Sunday, today: i am baptised i leave my sexual immoralities behind me, i leave my cynical hard heart behind me, i die to myself in that water, and lou pulls me up and i look down and can pratically see my self beneath the waves and i say hello to the new me, to the me that is centered in God and will love Him above all others. I sit before my computer now, a Man of Moments of Faith and am glad in it.
God you are so good and i am so not worthy.
Thank you God,
love.
<3

would You give me strength to stand?

I'm not neccessarily ready to stand for God, i feel like i need to know Him better. But i'm willing to. I daily utter a prayer for Him to give me clarity and strength, and that He will let my brokeness show and show me grace when crumpled at the feet of my Father. I'm always working on dying to myself, on putting the desires of my mind aside to let His desires that He lays on my heart be known. He shows me love and mercy in ways i don't deserve and didn't even know existed. I've given so much to Him, but it barely registers anymore. It just makes sense now, i can't even imagine where i would be otherwise, my soul hurts at the thought of it.
I've found a home, a family, a church that i feel safe in. I have friends that are constantly growing in Christ. I ask you all to pray now for my family and my house, we need God.
Thank you.
Praise God.
Compassion.
Love.
<3

would you find me weak if i cried?

It's enirely to late for me to post about New Orleans, and I don't rightly think i could have done that anyways. It was way to complex and way to emotional. i could never convey what i felt and what i discovered about myself there.
I've been up since 9:30 am, it's not 5:30 am, i just got done with my book report and I thank God for it. i'm gonna get less than two hours of sleep. i think my dad just woke up..crap.

I'll finish this later.

It could have been columbia.
Thats all i can say about this tonight

breakable

I would just like to say, that at 18 years old, i have never felt more child like in the presence of God. He is my Father, in so many ways.

I love my mom because she is deaf

We've been picking on my mom all night and it's been hilarious. She can only hear out of one ear, and we always play around with her about it, but she takes it with grace. She gets really lost when we pick on her a lot, but she just accepts it. Don't get me wrong, my mom is brilliant, but she's just not too swift on jokes and the like. A lot of the time i'll say somthing and then she'll say the exactly same thing like thirty seconds later. In those moments i tell her that she's cute and deaf.
haha.
it's been a stressful, but good day.
so about this book report?

What do we think we're doing, and who is letting us do this?

Best friend number 1: This could never work between any other two people, but nothing else could work between us. I'd have it no other way.
Best friend number 2: you let me take out my stress in the most constructive way possible, mutual ranting of course. our wed. afternoons are crucial to my survival.
Best friend number 3: The fact that you even remotely keep up with the national debt and that you're neurotic enough to find it totally normal makes me smile soo much inside. you've been this neurotic forever and we've given you so much crap, and you'll never change. I love htat about you.
Best friend number 4: you come to see me more than any one else at work, and it seriously makes my night. I realize that i'm not the soul reason you come but the fac that you do when i'm working makes me really happy.

The fact that i could have four of those and still not feel it totally complete makes my realize that my life is soooo blessed. I could not be more content with my life.
Now if only i could stop procrastinating with school. hahaha
God bless,
Love.
<3

Last night

Was amazing.
I had a great time, and God really spoke to me about what i need to do right now and where i need to be going with my life.
Things are gonna start changing, and i'm so glad for it!
My best friend is amazing and i hope she knows that.

Soooo

I'M GOING TO NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!
This is very exciting
<333333
God is amazing, I thank Him for all of the struggles i've gone through, they've made me strong.
Love,
<3

Life goes on.

And it get's better and better and better.
So with out actually intending to, i think i've just been calling out to God to help me make things possible, and if that's not it, then He did all this with out me asking. But things are looking up soo much! i actually paid attention in both of my classes to day and learned and retained information. This is insane, b/c i really have trouble doing this due to my ADD and Torette's (sp?) syndrom. And i think things are looking up in one area of my life, so yeah, more on that later.
And, i just spen like 25 minutes praying outside, and it was awesome! It wasn't some grand comunion between me and God or anything, it was just me asking Him about some stuff and asking His help on things, and just abiding in eachother. It was really cool, and chill...who knew God, creator of all, could be so chill?!?
God bless,
Love.
<3

Well there's a millian other girls who do it just like you

Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like, it's easy if you do it right.
You can not be serious! Will you ever grow up? All of us have put a hundred more painful things behind us, we've moved past things even when it hurt because we knew we had to, that if we didn't we'd keep on making supid mistakes and our lives wouldn't amount to half of what they could, you're the only one who has yet to really do this. You can't say no, well fine, i get that. So why do you keep putting yourself into situations where you would need to. It's not really that hard to not communicate with people you know.
And why don't you think about what you doing these things does to the people who love you? I have 6 frantic messages from 2:30 in the morning from two people who where scared to death for you. They love you enough to try to get you not to do it, but you just argue with them and let that trash talk down to them. If she really does stop being your friend, no one could blame her.
And i'll be the one you and everyone else expects to be there for you when he breaks your heart again or you get in to some huge fight again. He's ruin enough of your life already hasn't he?
I'll be there, of course, b/c i'll never stop loving you and i'll never stop being your best friend, but my respect for you is slipping. I'm not going to fight you on this, and don't try to defend yourself or explain your actions, because we both know it'll just be bull shit and wont mean a thing.
I'm hurt because you lied by omision, and mad because you made a stupid decission last night that could have potentially caused a lot of people a lot of greif, just so you could have some fun, and i'm disappointed in you because you know this is wrong, you know better on several levels and i thought you had the backbone to deal with this. i was wrong.

My mission in life.

So, i'm waiting, waiting for my mission in life, my cause, my camand to tear down the church of my father. I wish it would come. I'm completely causless right now, and i guess i'm okay with it, but i'm tired of wandering around with no passion. I mean i have a passion for God, and it's real and strong, but i see all these people with passions within God, like playing music to worship Him with, teaching people about Him, helping people understand Him better. I want that, i want to know without a doubt that there is somthing in need to be doing for Him. Even if it's going to ophanages in Africa. I just wish i KNEW! I mean, it seems that things come up where im like "Hey, I need to do this!" and then it's like STOMP! reality decides to make me realized that it's can't work out. I'd love to do stuff with hannah house, buut, i only have two days a week free, and those are neccesary for homework. It sounds lame, i realize but those two days are rest days. If i don't have those i would freak out, i've already had two almost breakdowns and been saved by only the grace of God and some greatly timed phone calls of friends. so i'm going to try my hardest to make 1 or 2 days a month where i can see those kids, but i'll have to work that out still.
And then i got offered to go to New Orleans with Shack people and help build houses, okay i LIVE for this kind of stuff, and now i can't go b/c of scheduling. So that goes bye bye too. I mean, i don't understand. it's like everything that i feel i'm called to, everything that i do feel pasionately about is being closed off from me.
RAWR! this is how i feel.

Honesty time.

Okay, so i'm not trying to get sympathy, i just need to express this.
I'm breaking down. My sanity is now so thin, i think i may just jump out of my window. (it's low to the ground so i wont die, but it'll be somthing drastic, it may help) I mean, i really need a break, and if the shack over nighter doesn't help me get one, i really am going to jump out of a window. I need God, I need time, and I need space. I need to have just like one freaking minute to adjust to the fact that i'm going to school and carrying a part time job and need to go to church and at some point see my friends. Next to God, my friends are the most important part of my life, and they are being taken away from me. I'm about to snap.
I just really need some time to figure things out. my parents are NOT giveing me that. They have been yelling at me since i starte school. It's like as long as i pay them back, remain a 3.0, and do the friggin dishes, it doesn't matter if i break, or if i go insane or if i just die from exhaustion. As long as those three things happen, life for them, is good. This isn't really how they feel, but it's how they act. and sometimes, know the two are different in your mind is very different from knowing it in your heart.
At this point, i can't win, and can't give up, so i just have to get beat until the ref thinks it's been enough.

I heard a voice through the dischord...

Of a deluge of passers by.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by.
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
And I'll hear your voice aloud
When you're whispering...

I feel like life is crowding in. I swear i can't breathe and my sanity is thin. Life can't stay this busy, i'll break. It's like this fog or smoke, that is closing in and trying to sufficate me. This has happend before, i just have to wait for God to pierce the smog. It'll happen, He always comes through. but i just feel so disconected. Like, i'm here, and God is there. I think it's b/c i've spent a lot of time with my family. my brother and his girlfriend aren't religous at all, mom and dad are "christians" they believe and pray, but never go to church or even talk about God, and jessica's sister is jewish...i have NO support in the way of my walk with these people. It makes me feel lost. I'm in a storm of disbelief. I just have to pray that our Lord will calm it. Please, pray for me too.
God, please, let me hear your voice.

Jesus, I'm ready to come home.

Why am i crying?

So, i just found out that an old friend from highschool died in a car wreck, a drunk driver hit him. His name was spencer mullins. i only knew him for two years, and we didn't really talk a lot, mainly just gave eachother shit while my brother drove him home, and sometimes at school we'd say hey and give eachother more shit. But he was one of the first guys to really be a friend to me, i don't make friends with guys really easy, so it was really cool. i haven't seen him in a little over a year.

So can some one tell me why i'm crying? i've been crying on and off for the last hour, and i'm crying right now as I type this. I mean, i haven't talked to him in forever, i only knew him for two years barely, more like one and a half, and never had a real conversation with him. we just picked on eachother.....

and now all i can think about are those rides when i sat by the door with him in the middle, my brother had a truck with only one seat, and he just would give me shit about everything, and i'd give it right back, he was one of the first people who i could really have a sarcastic sparing match with, without fearing i'd hurt their feelings, and without getting hurt myself.

GOD! i'm so tired of crying.

this sucks so bad. i've thought about him sparingly in the past couple of years, just here and there and laughing and enjoying the memories....i mean, i dont' really feel like i should have talked to him more, me and him just weren't really close. but we did sit through inschool together once, that was hilarious, he was talking about his service learning teacher, and how we thought he was gay and how spencer thought he walked around with a dildo stuck up his butt. haha, spencer was really crude sometimes, but if you saw how this teacher walked, you'd understand....hahahahaha, now i'm laughing out of hilarity and holding back tears! this is so weird and stupid. i'm sad that he died, but i don't feel this profound loss or anything, it's not even so much that i miss him, well..i guess i do, but since i haven't seen him in so long, it's not a huge miss, and the fact that i wont ever see him agian, hurts me only so much b/c i didnt see him for 2 years.

Spencer was also bi, and use to hit on me a lot, i think he knew that i was interested in guys then...but he never brought me out...i guess he just didn't really see a need to, he just respected the fact that i wasn't ready to come out....
Well, goodbye Spencer, thanks for everything...

Love always,

Denton

Calling out to me, calling out to me

I want to wake up thinking about God.

Achievement is the god of our nation

This is really sad to me, Our nation bows to their god of acheive ment and possessions before our true God.

So i just finished typing my draft, and it's amazing, i feel really good about it. i mean, i accept the fact that my english teacher is going to tear it apart tomorrow morning, but i think it's good for the fist essay i've written since my senior project, haha

HOUSE CHURCH TONIGHT!!! woot.
God is so glorious.

God Bless,
Love.
<3

Call me

Columbia is so beautiful when it rains. In all the mountains and on all the beaches and all the fields i've been in, i've never seen a place more beautiful when it rains than columbia. Hawai'i,...no, not even there. Something about the streaking water against the rough brick buildings and the splashes on the sidewalks, and the sky line against lightning and rolling clouds, it just makes a storm look even more like the most beautiful of creations. I wish i had a picture of it for you.

God is gracious in every way, be patient and He will carry you through.
Shack band sang two really amazing songs tonight, one was just really powerful and fast and simple, it made me try to jump with my gimp foot. The other was was so funky, and i mean that as in...Funk, the genre of music. I loooved it. Lou plays violin like a mad woman! If i could ONLY play like that....aahh...it was amazing.

I need to find my calling..or rather,...i need to determin what God is calling me to do, if He is presently calling me that is, and if not, then i have to wait for Him to call me, and hear it, and obey. I am not made to do the office job thing, i need to be out there acting for God, i need to be and activist for God, like Moses,...i mean..i do go to shack, and the shack is the "hippie church" apparently, haha. it's okay, we're all proud of the title.

God bless,

Love.
<3

life....

So, I'm now a closer at the wired bean, i get my key tomorrow! this is really exciting, for many reason, but one of my favorites is that megan thinks that i'm qualified for it, and that i stuck to doing my absolute best at my job! I'm not always the best person at that kind of stuff. and now it's kinda like a...i did it for that amount of time. i can do it again...and then again. this is good. Life is getting kind of weird, all this stuff is happening, and like...it just hasn't hit me. I'm 18, i'm in college, and i have a good job and working three nights a week...ish. haha, i mean, who the hell let me grow up?
well, everything will come with time right? God is good, and He holds me in His hands. I trust in Him unfailingly.
God bless,
Love.
<3

God teaches.

I've just started learning that God teaches me things, He does not give me them. I ask for patience, and He goes..."okay denton, lets teach it to you" and He puts really really slow car infront of me on the road and waits for me to freak out, ask for patience again, and then go..oh..i should calm down...until when cars go slow, i have minimal freak out and a very quick calm. This....He tells me,...is patience. and I go...Thank you. This is the relationship i've had with him this summer. It's amazing. I think I blogged about asking God to "break me" earlier this summer. well I've been asking Him to do that a lot. like almost everyday. and i didn't really realize what i was asking until sunday night. and then it was like...oooh, so that's why i've gone through so much the past two months. I was literally asking for it. I've learn so much patience this summer, and so much...just...to rely on God in all situations. To be selfless and concious. I've learned what freedom really is and what the Blood really bought us. and how to use that to my advantage. It's amazing. I grow to know God more and more everyday and eachday it amazes me.
I think i'm ready now. :]
God Bless,
Love.
<3

college.

College starts for me tomorrow. ugh.
I spent time in courtney's and danielles dorms today, it was fun. I wish it was easier to get to courtney's dorm, and into it. lol, paterson is stupid b/c boys can't be in the stairs at anytime, haha.
Capstone is cool tho, i don't even have to sign in until 6 there, wooo!
ugh, i have a 7:00 class. i'll never do that again. good night
i made some kind of break through today at shack, it was really good. i also have my next art project in mind, i'm excited.
God Bless,
Love.
<33

Something glorious is about to happen.

So today was amazing, work was long but good. i got a couple compliments on my drinks, which will always, no matter what, put me in a good mood.
Then i went to cheer up courtney, and susan came and hayley came after that. haha. She has a good support system.
Courtney's moving out, and i'm really glad for her. i'm a little bit jealous of her actually. I'm a little jealous of a couple things right now though...haha. It was really fun hanging out with those three tonight. i had a ton of fun. each of them bring somthing totally different and unique and exciting into my life. Courtney make everything so much fun, like...really, i'd be dull with out that girl sometimes. Susan, she is the epicenter of comic relief of the best kind, and in a way only she can be. Hayley, she's my voice of reason, and also my sarcastic partner in crime. Me and her always have the same thoughts at the same time, and tonight, we laughed at a lot of the same stuff that no one else really noticed, and if they did, they didn't find it half as funny as we did. She let's me be 12 years old, and i couldn't be more thankful for it.
Hayley has a had a lot of great things said about her this summer, and i can really only think of one way to condence it all. She brings us all to focus. We're all so frazzled, and crazy, and if you could see our emotional selves, you'd think we licked a freaking car battery. She seriously makes us calm down, think, and grounds us.
Thank you Hayley Nelson, you're refreshing, fun, yet keeps us grounded, and we couldn't ask for a better friend.
Godbless,
Love.
<3

P.S. College isn't going to be nearly as bad as i was making it sound in my last post. It's and adventure that i'm going to have to take, and God is preparing me as we speak with what it's gonna take.

eh.

so apparently tech starts on monday.
just found this out today....woo.
yeah, and just rated my teachers, apparently they all suck and are hard and don't explain shit, except for my history teacher. she's apparently an angel among demons at midlands tech.
uuuggghhhhh.
This is my next adventure, and i have what it takes. God will get me through this if i put in my end. wow...i'm gonna have to study.
God bless,
Love.
<3

I got woken up by a fly.

There is a house fly in my room, and it woke me up.
i mean, i needed to get up, but it couldn't have been a dog, or new car, or one of my friends...or maybe the girl of my dreams?
noooo, had be a fly.
grrr.

There's no shade for body heat

ugh...if i go though any more ups and downs like i have fore the past three days i'm gonna go crazy. Emotional rollercoasters are for losers. I was having this amazing week, and then it went to hell, and now it's all better.
yeah....my life really does go like that. it sucks, i wish it didn't. and now that everything's alright again the crappy part seems SO stupid. like somthing that could have been avoided with a little extra thought. ya know?
well anyways, josh is leaving on thursday, philip is at the beach all week(jealous), danielle and courtney are moving this weekend.
i'm not going to deal well with that.
really really bad things may happen. i might break down. i realize now that i have not even began to cope with this. danielle is going to be 15-20 minutes farther away than she is now...a minute away from me. lksadjf kldsjgjdfgjeflkjdskl
this SUCKS!.
no, i'm really happy for them, really really happy, i just have to deal with this, i guess i'll start now.
God Bless,
Love,
<3

I wish it would rain, i could use the release.

I'm sitting in my bed, listening to dashboard on repeat.
It needs to rain, hard. it needs to pour and storm, trees need to uprooted. The world needs to see what i'm feeling inside.
Power needs to fail, and my yard needs to flood, so the tears i can't create will have a release.

Imagine a world where there is no heaven?

Why, why oh why would i want to do that. i really don't like that song. maybe that makes me a bad coffee shop kid, but i really can't stand it. It makes no sence to me.
I'm so content with my life right now, it's crazy. i can't remember the last time that i didn't have a thousand wants or needs running around my head. I love my friends, my job, my family, my church family, my school situation. i have no reason to complain, and i LOVE it. I feel as if i've broken through the brain-washing of the american dream, to want and need more, better, faster, to be richer, more powerful, smarter, sexier, and it's glorious! Thank God for this my friends.

I don't think i'm going to go to the show on friday. i really don't think i need to. I wont gain really anything at all from it, and it has potential to make me angry, and i don't actually know/like any of the bands except All Get Out, but i'm seeing them on the 25. well, i guess that settles that, haha. Thanks God,...again.

A thankful heart prepares the way
For You, my God
A thankful heart prepares the way
For You, my God
Come fall on us we fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our rhythm
Come fall on us we fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our song

God bless,
Love.
<3

Shack is a church, and a home, i don't think i could ask for a better one of either.

I heard that for the first time today. Britt coons called it a church and it made the difference to me. She didn't call it a ministry, she called it a church.
Tonight was the first time i felt like a was a part of Shack. I stayed for like 2 hours after and played mafia while a bunch of ppl played poker. Me and lou were determined to kill eachother, haha. Jessica and David(aka Bing) asked me if i would become a part of their house church (small group-ish thing) which is really cool. I felt like this was a more solid group of Shackers than normal, it was fun and refreshing. I feel like I belong to a church family again, and that makes me so wonderfully happy. I went tonight b/c of God, and i mean that in ever sense possible. I went to be with God and learn about Him, and i went b/c He wanted me to. It's amazing. I'm at a really good point in my life, and i don't say that lightly at all. I don't have many good points in my life, i usually have a lot of trouble and battles and stuff, and it usually is equal to the good stuff. Now, though, the good is SO out weighing the bad, and i think i just might make it through this thing called College. We'll see.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

hm...

I may or may not be being called back into music, i don't know how i feel about this, and i don't know why i'm thinking of this right now when everything else in my life is spinning out of control.
maybe this is my mind, or soul, or just God telling me that i need a release and this is as good as one as any. i mean, it's better than self-mutilation. Not that i had thought about that or anything, no no no, that's not for me, and shouldn't be for anyone, but let's not get off topic. Maybe my mind and soul need a release of a creative kind and art just isn't coming to me right now, and i'm getting tired of listening to music, so maybe this means i should make my own??? curious-er and curious-er...i don't think i spelled that correctly. In my mind i've babbled all of this, i have know clue wheather or not it's going to be read that way though. Weird how that works right?
Have a good day all! and remember, essence comes before existence!
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Essence before Existence. This exist, quite objectively; what now?

Dear God,
I've not had a break for three weeks, if not longer. This is a problem that i don't have a solution to at all. So, now it's Yours. it's a 2000 dollar problem that i'm giving to You to fix. I'll be more than happy to be a vessal for that solution, but i can't do more than that. This is a petition to You, I'm at my end, i'm praying and i'm talking to You, and now i'm petitioning You. I love You Abba. You are my Father, my Daddy, my Go-To-Guy. I thank You for everything You've given me and done for me. But i do have to ask, what does this lead to. There is a point to all of this, i just don't know what yet. I know so far that it's pushed me closer to you, taught my how to lose control to you, and taught me patience, but that's it so far. Please, give me some insight.
Love,
Denton

I've had many amazing conversations to day, and i don't really know how to deal with all of them. But i'm gonna try now.
Megan-I'm sorry, i'm praying, i almost cried when i read that email, i've never faced this situation before, but it's somthing i have to deal with, welcome to the real world, eh? I understand your position in this, really, i do. :/
Courtney-I am now accountable for you, i will be your Watcher. I'm glad because of this.
Susan-I hope that what me and courtney talked about today will help you some. I've wanted to introduce you to God for a while, maybe it'll happen soon, i dunno.
Philip- sorry i hit you a lot today, hahaha. Our friendship means a lot to me, even if you don't realize it yet.
Meagan B-i didn't call you back, i'm sorry, some issues came up that i'm still not sure how to deal with. I'll call you tomorrow. but today was a lot of fun and i hope it can happen lots more.

God is working, i can feel it in my soul. I don't know if i'm excited about it, but i know i'm anxious about it.

Merci

Thank you, thank you So much.
You prob saved my life and my GPA today. Thank you for giving me a chance and having faith in me. I don't get told that a lot. i don't know i it's b/c people don't have faith in more, or because their faith in me is never really tested. It made me feel amazing. Thank you also for recomending this book to me. it's glorious.

I've now realized that God owns me, and i'm so so so glad for that. He created me and He has bought me with His blood. I am His twice over. Thank God.

If you could forget everything that i did,

then i would never lie

So things aren't really looking up, but i'm dealing with them better now. I have aquired the most amazing support system ever this summer. I think i would really die or go insane if i didn't have the friends i have and the God i have. With out those two things,....my life wouldn't be worth the energy i use up. But thankfully it is, b/c i have an Amazing God and glorious friends in abundance. I've gotten really close to some unsuspected people, and i think its b/c the people whom i've been close too for a while have been distant, not in the emotional sense, but in the physical literal sense. as in...far away. And i think it was a good thing this happened. B/c in my oppinion, you can never have enough bestfriends. And i do truly have many, and i don't think i could place any of them in any spots or order. b/c each one of them brings somthing different and wonderful to my life.
I'm going to have to get another job....and keep my job at the wired bean. I'm going to be working two jobs my freshman year of college.....i've got to be insane. But i think it'll help that two of my classes are hybrid, meaning that half my work is online, b/c i can do that at 2:30 in the morning if i have too.
I need to go back to church. i miss the shack a lot. And since God is the one holding my life/mind together at this point,....i need to go learn about Him and abide in Him and worship and praise Him.
God bless,
Love,
<3

This is rediculous.

I feel like I'm making the right choice, but the worst mistake of my life.
This isn't right, but it's actually the best, the only, thing to do.
I'm sorry. This sucks, believe me, I know it more than ever now.
The single thing that has freed my entire life, now holds me back from you.
It'll pass, I promise. I hope. I pray.
Every night is followed by day.


this is a poem.
It's called "my sacrifice"
I gave somthing to God about five months ago, and now...that sacrifice is taking form, and i'm seeing it in the flesh. And it's absolutly one of the hardest things i've ever gone through.

Pourquoi moi?, ce ne juste pas

A list sounds good for this:
i'm a little tired,
i don't want to go camping on friday,
i'd rather be able to work my 7 hour shift,
i wish things could be different
B/c you're as close to perfect as it gets

Things aren't, so i just have to accept it

God is amazing, i love Him and everything He's done in my life
I'm sorry i missed warped tour

Jack johnson is amazing
Megan Porter is awesome.

Hayley is my newst bestfriend
I miss my other three
Spencer and Rachel listen to me very well
I miss not ever seeing my manager

I love my job, i just wish i got more tips...

my hand is purple and i don't know why.

God bless,
Love.

<3

I should have gone to LE

Not that i don't absolutly love all of my white knoll friends to death, my three bestfriends came from there after all. I should have gone to Lugoff Elgin. I would have had more friends there, haha. I hung out with a some yesterday, it was amazing. Even if cass did pants me like three times.....actually one time, it was way more than pants, haha. Watch out if that kid is behind you. Philip and Bradly were hilarious, Brad can get very....zoned tho, it was actually really funny. Philip is hilarious, if you don't know him, you should. Me and him and megan all slept in my bed last night. That was fun.....lmao. Then there's Ava, she works at hooters, she's artsy, and quite hilarious when she's real tired.
So they all stayed the night over at my house last night b/c they had to be together to leave for warped tour this morning. i'm really jealous, i really really wish i could have gone. They're having a lot of fun, i know this b/c me and philip have been texting a lot today. He's really tired and about to die, i'm really bored and about to die...see, we have so much in common. We didn't get much sleep and then cass came and woke us up.....grrrr. i hate that kid in the mornings. a lot. i mean...from the depths of the core of my soul dispise that kid in the mornings. i don't care if he pantses me all day long, as long as he is not the one to wake me up....grrrr.
So yeah, that was yesterday. it was awesome. Hooters has really good food, even if the entire establishment is degrading.
bah bah black sheep.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Heat

I think i got over heated yesterday, b/c i felt horrible and by the time i went to bed, i thought i was going to die. I mean, i was doing landscaping stuff from like 11:30 to 1, so yeah, it was 189 degrees outside. Sooo, it's a posiblity right? WHY is it so hot now, i mean, when i drive home from work now, at like 11 or 12, it's friggin 89 if i'm lucky, if i'm not it's still 95. i hate the south, i'm moving to like...Maine.

This is today's temps for the south east.


ugh. heat is a stupid concept. Warmth, is good, Heat is not. Cold is good, always, b/c if it's 0 out side, you can put on layers, if it's 105 out side, you can only take off until you get to skin. Past that, it's a little dangerous. and i dunno about you, but i don't like seeing me shirtless, so i'm guessing you don't either.
so on other news, i can't work my first day alone on the 28th b/c i'm going to be camping. I love camping, but it always happens at horrible times.
Oh and to you who prayed for me, thank you sooo much. It helped a lot. To you others who decided to just ask questions about somthing i said i wasn't going to explain, i'm praying for you.
I think i'm running out of things to say. rawr.....i'm soooo bored right now.......why is my life not one excitment after another.......? oh yeah, b/c i'd die. but besidest that, it seems like fun.
God bless,
Love.
<3

Things have become infinitely better.

And i can only thank God for that. He has gotten me through once again. At some point, maybe it'll get easier to not get myself in to positions where He needs to. but for now, i'm so amazingly thankful for that. I mean, if you're going through a rough time right now, try just giving it up to God, it helps. i know you prob. think i'm silly, but i mean, really.....if you've exhausted all of your other options. what does it hurt to try? i mean, many many people do it every day, all the time, there are books, the bible...etc...., written about it, and ppl sing and dance about it all the time. We can't all be wrong can we? i mean, in what other religion did a person let them selves be killed to save us? I mean, it's a historical fact that Jesus lived, and that He died on a cross, okay, so christians have it right so far, why not be a little self-indulgent and say He did it all for us? Crazy right? why would some one who walked through his entire life with out wrong doing, and just constantly helping people, die for people that no one but God knew would eventually exist? B/c he loved us.

Don't ask why i decided to preach tonight, it just happened, the Spirit moved me. I hope you enjoyed, i did.

Love all of you.

God bless,

Love.
<3

If it wasn't for Jesus, i'd be going insane.

I screwed up really bad tonight. i mean, i think this is one of the most extreme screw ups of my life thus far. I'm not gonna explain this at all, but i just need prayer and help and, um....just support b/c i don't know if i've ever known this kind of guilt. And i can't blame anyone but me, i mean others could have stopped me, but it wouldn't have ment anything to me. I was just on a snowball i guess and this was the end of this hill. This was the part where i crashed and melted and have yet to pick myself up. i'm a puddle, and nothing more, and right now, i don't really deserve to be anything more. Pray for me, a lot, pray for my mental health, and for my will and that God will give me strength and let me forgive myself, b/c i know He's already forgiven me, He's awesome like that. And that is the ONLY reason i'm not like...playing in traffic right now.

Help me, please.

So, i broke

I'm writing one of those thingies.

One. You're amazing, and i miss you and i can get so mad at you b/c you never listen, but then again, you listen to more of what matters from me than any one else in my life. At some point, we became supper close, and i'm okay with that. God blessed me in 9th grade, even if i didn't know it then.

Two. I missed you, but now we're back. You know me very well. We need to get together and watch some 80's movies some day, it'll be fun, and i promise we'll get some bistro. And i'm going to make you somthing out of a shirt if it kills me.

Three. I'm sorry for you, b/c i know that hurts, but i think it was necessary, and i think it's for the best, and I really hope you come friday and i really hope you get past this and you two can be friends.

Four. I miss you to, come back damnit! We need to have a night out again. I miss our wonderful rides with screaming music and laughing at everyone who's ever hurt us b/c they will never experience a night like those nights that we have sooo often. I am blessed to be your friend.

Five. We don't talk anymore, you don't even read this, and i hate the former! You were my bestfriend for 10 years and now you've just faded from my life, you didn't even call me on my birthday party, and i'm sure if i asked you to come friday, you'd just say you were busy, or you had to work, or you'd even come and bring that kill joy, and she'd just be a bitch and you'd have to leave early. I'm sorry that we ended up like this. really really sorry.

Six. Bestfriend! you've ment a lot to me for the past three weeks. You've helped me through prob. more than you know you have. Thank you. I give you a lot of crap, but i really do love you, and everything about you. If you were any different, life wouldn't be as fun. I'm glad we finally got to have our smoke date.

Seven. You made life interesting, really interesting. You even got me grounded. Well, thank you for that. You mean a lot to me, even if we've been out of touch. and you look better than ever right now, and i'm glad i can say.....well you know what i can say, haha. We hit a bump a while a go, and i'm glad we could get passed it. I'll have to thank niqui one day.

Eight. i have no clue why i'm just now getting to you, but...well, i love you. We'll always be friends. We'll always be bestfriends. and some day, we'll beable to see eachother twice in one month. haha. Lets get together and worship some day?

Nine. You came as a suprise this year. i've known you for about 7 months now, and you're amazing. I'm excited to see who you'll become in the next year. and i love that you're just down the road from me (kinda) and i can call you if i ever need you. I'm glad that we got to sneak out that night. it was a lot of fun. and we got to help someone. wooo. You're always ready to help, and i love that about you.

So about this depressing conversation

let's not let it ruin our faith, just accept that God is unjust and be mad about it

So, that's basically what Shack was like, and i don't think i liked it very much. Basically, we talked about how life isn't fair and that God isn't just. Well, actually God is just, b/c Who are WE to say what is just?! We are just humans, mortals, just because God made us in His Image, doesn't mean that we have to power to say what is just. Our concept of justice is set by our society and what we interpret from the Bible. Well guys, we're not perfect we don't always interpret it right, and God is the only one fit to say what is just and what is not. He is the Ultimate, the Alpha, the Omega, our Creator, THE Creator. He knows what is just, He knows what is happening, and it is not fair for us to question that. I mean, okay so we're not going to hell for questioning god, but i mean, It's not okay to just get mad about it and talk in circles about it, dwelling on it. Okay, get mad, but then get over it and just let Him do his work. Accept, not that God is unjust, but that God knows what justice is, and have faith that He is carrying it out. It does not sit well with me that no one at Sunday Night Shack seemed to grasp this, even me, i didn't really think about this until late last night. I mean, life's not fair, we will not always reap what we sow in this life, on earth. But in the after life, we will get what we deserve. So bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people, THAT'S OKAY! b/c in the end, God will keep his promise to us, and will judge us in the end. Thank God that He has not taken it up to give you what you deserve, b/c if so, You'd prob. be toast, you'd be a nice crispy spot on the ground/floor/road/bed/hallway/where ever you were.
Rant over.

God bless, Good night.
Love,

<3

I've never seen good intentions set a man free

This girl is amazning, her and i hung out yesterday and it was a lot of fun. And she's going to be the first woman i have during my 18th birthday party. the first of 18 may i add, haha. We went to columbia and she bought be icecream for my birthday, woot! and we went to five points and interacted with drunk guys looking for highschool girls and then we went to shack. Shack was amazing, the disccusion was a little depressing but it's okay, and then we went out for chinese! and i had crab legs and acted like a barbarian, all the while she was trying to get some guy to leave her alone via text, haha. Then we went to the old mill for no reason at all, and hung out in the sketchy backroom and stared at a brick wall for about 10 minutes........yeah....
then we went to my house and hung out and talked and went for a walk where i told her about my plan to subdue here with cloraphorm(Sp?). then we walked back to my house and she eventually went home. it was a fun night.
Thankyouhayleynelson!

Grayson is afraid that the blogging world is dying.
This is proof it's not.
See, i'm blogging.

Woo the fourth.

I felt like shit for most of the day. Thank GOD! for asprin and water. Buuut i finally got a nap and i feel much better. i want to go get some fireworks tho...if i don't get any, i'm gonna be pissed! (fireworks that is)
This weeks as been really fun! i think i finally know what tattoo i want....but more imprortantly, i have to talk to my Dad about my piercing....eck! this will be fun. myabe he'll finally realize that it's somthing that he can't stop and that it's really not that bad. I hope so anyways.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Birthday.

So....I'm 18, this is good and bad. Bad b/c temptations just doubled, and good b/c i'm freaking 18. This gives me a lot of freedoms and hopefully some leeway with my parents.
Went to Miyo's with some of my bestfriends, and had a blast! The sushi was amazing and the cheesecake was the best thing ever. The jasmine tea taste like you're drinking the sent of jasmine. Blackberry sage tea comes in a really cool bottle, and we had fun taking pictures, and my little cousin says the best things EVER! Our waiter had an amazing peircing and i went to the mall and retainers are only like 5 bucks! wooo. and the chick told me that cartledge peircings heal in like two months, and i mean..she had 6, so i beleive her, haha.
"I'm gonna eat the crap out of you"-Jordan, my 10 year old cousin, talking to Courtney, my 6 yearold bestfriend (she's actually 18). Yikes.
I got 5 books, which are all amazing, i'm getting 6th from courtney eventually, and i got a sketch book from susan, who is pressing me to draw more. Go susan. This is my potentially my last post for a week, when i post next, it may be about how bad my ear hurts. haha
I love all of you who came today, and all of you who couldn't come but wanted too!

Denholm Davis got me the Dr. Seuss book Happy Birthday. I love him.

God Bless,
Love.
<3

Sunday night shack.

So, i've figured out why i stopped producing art. I took God out of my art. This shouldn't have ever happened. God is the reason i can make art, and the reason i love doing it. The best things i have ever made have been related to God, so i don't know why i stopped making it have somthing to do with Him?
Usually when i worship with music, i sing and i clap, and stand and dance-ish. So yeah, i didn't do that yesterday, i just drew in my journal.
A few things have been coming up a lot during shack, like every week. Child like Faith, Selflessness, and Fear. Last night we talked about death and sorrow, and how sorrow is neccesary, but not better than happiness. I really loved talking about this, b/c i'm a firm believer in God always having somthing amazing waiting for us, and that to get it, we have to go through all the negative and sorrow and pain.
If this makes sense you to, you're amazing.
<3

Break my Body

This is what I keep asking God to do. Break me, in all my materialism, make me less about my body. I'm in a constant state of battle right now. It's been real difficult. Pray for me, whoever you are, pray for me, for strength, wisdom and guidence. Ask God to teach me how to love others and myself, and to break me off my materialism.
Thank you.
God bless,
Love.
<3

I've been saved from sin, Now i just need to be saved from me.

So, i use to like this girl, and still have like...the after feelings for her. but those are passing, anyways, we use to talk a lot, and about everything, and now...we don't talk a lot, and when we do...it's like there's nothing there to talk about. And she might date this other guy now, and i'm happy for both of them, they're both really great, and i'm not even jealous or anything like that, but what happens to me? Do i just fade in to the background, serving them both coffee and espresso drinks, and watch them be all happy? Maybe i could try to reach out to them? try to touch base again, i don't know, maybe i'll just fade, and be okay with it. I need a break, i need a day where i feel infinite, and i need a day to worship God, and pray and just be with Him and abide in Him constantly through out that day. And I think that I know exactly who i want to spend that day with. I'll call her today sometime.
God bless,
Love.
<3

Wired Bean, homestyle!

Hkokay, so, Megan, Courtney and I basically revamped the entire wired bean yesterday....which is in actuallity, two hours ago. We were there from 4:00PM to 1:00 AM...that is like..9 hours. INsane. BUUUT it looks amazing and you HAVE to come see it. I love it sooo much, and me and courtney seriously put like 50 books in there...me and her donated a looot of books together. We changed seating, moved the bookcase, dusted the fans, moved tables, put up TONS of art work and got two more lamps, we're going to have a pick up area too...it's SOOOO exciting. GO LOOK!!!!!
And now i'm soo tired and need to sleep. i love you.

You make me strong

If you ask me to leap out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you ask me to go preach to a lost world that Jesus saves
I'll go but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong
Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until you being the victory, by the power of Christ in me
If you ask me to run And carry Your light into foreign land
If you ask me to fight Deliver Your people from satan's hand
I'll go but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

i have a better wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better.....

Armwarmer, bananas, cat, duck, elephant, futon, gerber, ham, inquisitive, jello, karma, maroon, ninja, orgasm, powertools, quarentine, ribbed, salsa, Tiffany's, umbrella, Vancouver, wish, xin, yearn, zurich.
This is Susan and I at three somthing in the morning.
say hello.
haha, last night was amazing!
God bless,
Love.
<3

I spy somthing you don't see....

Me and my cousin played this for like an hour last night. I had to go pick my brother up from work last night, and Jordan just started playing iSpy, and it was actually a lot of fun. I normally get annoyed at his attempt to amuse himself b/c it usually ends up in someone getting hurt, but this was cool. It felt absolutley amazing to be able to forget all the stuff in my life and just play iSpy with my little cousin from Indiana.

"As the God man passes by

He looks straight through my eyes

And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains

I hold the key

All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me"

The performance is convincing

and we know every line by heart
only when no one is watching
can we really fall apart.

God is so forgiving and freeing, and if it wasn't for that, where would we be? He has blessed me with a family who deeply loves me and who i deeply love in return, and one that doesn't fight everything i do, one who respects me, He's blessed me with an amazing family of friends, who also love me, and know that I love them in return and who I would do ANYTHING for. I have a job that is wonderful and work with ppl who could not be more caring if they tried.
I've realized recently that life is hard, it just is, and we just have to focus on the positive. And even tho i'm running in to so many walls right now, and at every turn in my life, i have some emotional trial to deal with, I feel so safe and find comfort in little else but God and the ones in my life He has blessed me with. God is the one constant in our lives, our existance. Everything about our entire world and lives changes, even nature around us, changes. Our hearts, our shape, our enviroments, they're constantly changing and moving and it doesn't give us much to hold on to...and then there's God, who is always there and is just waiting for us to grab on to Him, and when we do, it's always like we're grabing a rock in the middle of a raging river. He is our rock in so many ways, and i am So thankful for that. All i have to do to know i'm going to be okay, is just think of Him or just say His name, and it's like..."okay, i can do this, all of this is just temporary anyways." Like tonight at work, it's saturday, it's gonna be busy, and I'm already tired from working this morning, so i'm gonna be looking to Him a lot, and I have no doubt that He'll be there, and that i'll be able to see Him clear as day.

"I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when you hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you," says the Lord. ~~Isaiah 46:3-4

And that, is my proof.

God bless,
Love.
<3

make me or break me, just don't hold on to me.

So, i'm officially going through a time when i have to choose, what i'm going to focus on. Either this trivial stuff that i stupidly and selfishly think involves me (it doesn't fyi), or i can focus on God, and his plan for me, which does have somthing to do with me. Sounds real easy right..well most of you prob. know that it's not. I've always had a habit of internalizing things, or making other peoples problems, mine. and its not a " i want attention " thing, it's more like a...."i have to help them thing", i feel like i have to help everyone, and i do want to help everyone, but it's so hard for me to go "NO, denton, you need to help your self first, b/c if you dont' know how to fix what you've broken, how can you help them fix what they've broken, or what they've had broken"
So, i guess this is me, hoping that i'll choose to focus on God...this is me typing as i fight myself at this moment, i want to save this person, and yell at this girl, and call this guy stupid, and tell this guy that it's gonna be alright, and yell that this other guy to stay out of her life, and Save this girl (as in christians get Saved), and just meet one girl who would like to date me, and try to make my family's life easier, all at once. But really, i need to just....pray i guess, and Focus on God, and Listen to God. so guys and gals, that's what i'm gonna do.
If you read/understood all or any of this, thank you for caring and mad props to you.
God bless,
Love.
<3

It's nothing to cry about..

b/c we'll see eachother soon,
in the blackest of blues

So, i've decided that i'm not going to be that bored ever again this summer. I'm goingto have stuff to do all the time, b/c it's not right for my little cousin to be bored like that either. And the fact that he will sit for hours and play violent stick games, does not put me at ease.
So, anyways, Me and him are sharing a bed, and he kicked and hit and kneed me alllllll night. I actually got kneed in the ribs by a sleeping ten year old. I think it's like a cudle/comfort thing b/c he get's real close to you in his sleep, but...geeze...i'm gonna look like i get abused.
And everyone who hasn't ment my cousin, don't worry you will, and you'll think he's adorable. hahaha
God bless,
Love.
<3

So, i'm real bored.....

I've been sitting at my house all morning, very very very bored. I feel really bad, b/c my little cousin is here, and he's pretty bored too, but i don't really know what to do, b/c i don't have any gas....so we can't go anywhere, and ther is NOTHING to do at my house..... hm...

before graduation

So, i'm sitting here in my living room before graduation, and i don't really know how to feel. i'm actually kind of blank. about grad anyways, i feel sorry for my younger cousin britt, b/c she has a very nast splinter in her foot, and happy b/c my cousin jordan is going to stay with us for the month of june, and kinda mad b/c my aunt's smoke is blowing on me.

But about graduation, i don't know. i mean i feel scared, but scared that i might cry a lot, not really scared about my life, i guess me having the faith i do, i just know God will carry me through as long as i let Him and have faith in Him.
I feel happy b/c i'm going through this with my friends, the people that have been there for me for the past four years or more. I'm happy that they made it too, and that we're all going places. But besides those two feelings i can't really say anything more. It's weird, i'm normally teaming with emotions, but today, before taking one of the biggest steps i'll ever have to take in this game called life, i feel almost nothing, and nothing related to this actual event.
To all of my friends: Thank You and Good Luck, i know we'll all go So far, and that God will take care of all of us, and that we'll eventually meet up again.

God Bless,

Love.

<3

Family-New computer-Work.

So yesterday was amazing, b/c I got to go to grouchos with some little friends, i say little b/c everyone there was a sophmore. it was last day for lexington and WK so EVERYONE was there and it was packed like a can of little fish. but it was good food and really fun. then we went to the park which was good, i wish i could have stayed for longer but i had to go pick up cass, which was also fun. Just being around him is fun, he's so freaking happy and just really exciting all the time, it's amazing. We went to the wired bean and talked to megan G and talked about how I think people of OTHER ethnicities are better looking than white people. it was cool, then becca hupp came in and that was weird, b/c she was getting trained like i was monday. it seems like it was more than just three days ago......
I GOT MY NEW COMPUTER!!!!!!!!! this is exciting! i have a toshiba who's name is Eve, and she's beautiful!
I have to go to work at 5 today b/c megan always schedules danielle two hours before me....and i'm driving, we car pull for gass purposses..did i spell that last word right..prob. not. but
Family is coming in today! at one, so i should prob. be cleaning more or somthing...not sitting on my computer in my boxers...oh well, i'll get started at 11....
God bless,
Love.
<3

Second day at the Bean

Hahaha, so i wasn't suppose to work until thursday,
buuut Amber Jade called in, so Megan G asked me if I wanted to work. What I heard was "do you want to make four hours of money?" so of course i said "yes." It was fun tho, me and danielle work well together.
I am so very tired tho, and my hands smell like soap, sanitizer, and bleach! wooot! i feel So sexy right now, i mean, you don't even know. And now, i'm watching Maxim's Top 100, so i'ma go!

oh, and i get to see my favorite meagan porter ever tomorrow!

God bless,

Love.

<3

First Day at the Bean

It was....hectic at first.
Megan was having a rough day, and i walk in and behind me, like 5 customers come in. So i get to the register and have to start ringing ppl up. So for about 15 minutes, i'm ringing people up and megan is making drinks. Thats how my day started.
And then Ms. Patty came in...Enough said there.
After that it was good. i got trained on making Hot drinks, Iced drinks, Frios, Smoothies, Bagel sandwitches, and how to re-stock.
It was amazing, all of my shots tonight were hockey pucks...all of them! that's amazing for me..i mean, it's my first day, and they were really good. As an employee of a coffee shop, this makes me feel accomplished, and let's me know that i'm not going to be horrile at this job like i was scared.
So this has been a very good first day. Thank God for my job.
I love the wired bean, and my legs are very tired.
God Bless,
Love,
<3
oh yeah, and I burnt myself, My thumb slipped when i was handdleing a hot pan. but it's fine.

Most emotional day of my life as of yet.

I cried a lot today.
and to all who saw me tonight at the old mill, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to come an emotional wreck, it just happend. and to all of you who kept asking me if i was alright, thank you, and i am. It ment a lot everytime someone asked me.
This time is so emotional for me b/c i was so connected to white knoll highschool, not the spirit of the school, the physical school itself. I have four years of memeories there, and even more so in the orchestra/art room and the theater. Those places have been my home away from home for the past four years, and i'll never get to experience them like i have for the past four years, again.
I'll also not see many ppl on a regular basis and that makes me so sad. i've grown to love and cherish so many people there, and i now realize how close i've allowed myself to get to these people with out knowing it. I've unconsiously let walls down that i didn't even know i had up, and let ppl and memories and places in and now its like i'm getting ripped open and seeing all of this love and emotion for the first time.
I'm not scared to move on, not at all, i just wish that i could honestly say that my relationship with these people won't change. but it will, they'll grow up in to beautiful men and women, and i'll grow and strech and eventually go away to far off places to spread God's love and Word. These are all very good things, but they still impact me emotionally.
Tonight i have: had my last orchestra concert, Cried, done laundry, cried, betrayed God, made up with an old friend who i've missed SO much, listened to one of my most talented friends accompanied with my bestfriend and a good friend on cello and guitar and harmonica and banjo and viola, not in that order really, and lastly made up with God.
This is why i've been an emotional wreck.
I love you all, I'll miss most of you, and Thank you all SO much for being there for me.
God Bless all of you,
Love.
<3

Dear God, You've stolen my heart

"selfishness has been coming up a lot in my readings and my prayer and my discussions, and i think that that is the next beig movement to be made by God. "-Me, in a comment to a friend on her blog.
And as i was writing that, i began to realize how much i should be gaining from this. I don't need to be selfish, i'm not overly selfish as it is, but i'm sure i could be a little more selfless. We all could. If we all gave up a little bit, imagine the great whole that would create to be given to people who need it. Isn't it odd how "Whole" and "Hole" sound the same but are almost opposite words. God does have a sense of humor. That is the thing i'm going to be praying on now, the big thing, Selfless-ness. I'm going to pray for the entire world to become more selfless. This is me asking you to do that also, if we all pray for it, God will answer us in an amazing way. He just wants to know that we have faith in Him to take care of this stuff. That's why we pray, to show him that we have faith that it will be fufilled, if you don't have that faith, why pray. you're just wasting brain power.
So today Megan Graham told me that i was not judgmental, and that that's what she'd remember about me if i dided tomorrow. I don't know how she picked up on that, but it's really one of the things i strive for. I also got told that i'm honest in a world that doesn't support it. and that makes me very happy. Ben and Kathy are the ones that said that, and it makes me glad that they tink of me that way. I means i've been doing somthing right. The reason all of this was said was as a response to a question i posed for the sake of writing a paper for school. The Question: "If I died tomorrow, what is one positive thing that you'd remember about me, one impact that i'd made on you?"
I encorage you to ask this to those who are close, and even not so close, to you. The result could suprise you.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Ps- I got the JOB!!!!!!! you know, the one at the wired bean.!
woot, go me!

Interveiw Over

It went well I think. No clue if I got the job, but I'll know tomorrow when Megan Graham calls me. She's really funny. There was this time when it sounded like someone was straight up pouring water on the floor above us and she was like, " If I feel that on my head, i'm gonna be SO mad!" it was very fuuny.
Have a lovely day, b/c i have.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Last Monday

of highschool ever.
This feels amazing, i'm entering my last week of highschool.....
I hope you know what this feels like. I'm finally moving to another chapter in my life. I'm excited, and i hope you are too.
<3

Confirmation

So i confirmed two things tonight, and one is very good, the other was/is pretty latteral.
Tonight could not have been better, i don' think i've ever had such a positive time in my life..like it just hasn't happened like this before. ever.
I even went through this spell where i felt really lonely and then Courtney called me and was like "Where are you?!?" and like, seirously, baring sending the cops to look for me, could not have made me feel more loved. She is my bestfriend and there is a point to us being friends, i've accepted this.
Confetti is an amazing movie, go rent it from BlockBuster andwatch it. ignore the nudist part. hahahaha
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Girl of my dream.

Yeah, i know, this sounds like i'm gonna talk about this girl i'm crushing on big time, but it's not. I just thought it'd be a good title.
So I'm listening to austin crane and he's amazing. He has the coolest voice/songs/music. He's one of the top 10 local musicians in South Carolina. Tonight as been amazing and i think i found a church to go to. i'm real excited about that, and i might even play violin for their praise band if they will have me, and I'll prob. start going to there small group on Thursdays at the wired bean. This might have been the fellowship that God has been yelling at me about......i sure hope so.
I will forever remember the bridge by the wired bean, even when i'm 40, i'll tell my kids and then my grandkids after that about it. It's one of the most amazing and beautiful places i've ever been. I had no idea that a place like lexington, and really the dirty Old Mill, could hold a place like this for me and my friends. for the past three years it's been influential. hm... Austin Crane and the Banshees....i like it. aaahhh i love this song..don't know what it's called but it's what he's playing right now.
And this is where i leave you all.
God bless,
Love.
<3

Saddest thing ever.

Partial birth abortions should have never been allowed. They're the most horrible thing in the world, and if it wasn't illegal now, i would bomb the house of every person who had ever taken part in one.
I was determined that I would remain opinionless about abortions, but now, after seeing pictures of partial birth and regular abortions (i refuse to say "normal" abortions), i have decided that I do not agree with them. I mean, I would never tell someone they were going to hell for having one, but i would deff. advise them strongly against it. I would pray for them, but I wouldn't ever look down on them for having one, it is there choice, and I under stand that.

Okay, enough of that.

Today has been really strange, I failed my bug project, but then Coach Gordon aka Gordo, let me make up like 4 assignments, and now I have a 73 in there, and it will prob. go up to a 75 tomorrow. This is amazing, I owe that woman my entire future.

I sincerly hope God blesses you all.

Love.

<3

Remember when it rained?

So i'll know in about 12 days if i have a job or not. I hope I do, but I REFUSE to expect one. B/c if megan graham hires other ppl, then they deserve the job more than I do. She knows what she's doing.
But a lot of me hope that Hayley's right and i'll get it.
I'm going to go shopping on sat. for my mom, no clue what she wants..i'll have to ask my dad...(like he'll actually know, i normally have to tell him)
Mom and Dad are going to go to darlington on sat, they won't get back till like 3 in the AM on Sunday! woot.

I want to kiss someone in the rain...a lot. Like you have no idea. I love the rain, i mean,...i seriously adore rain and storms make me smile a lot. So kissing in the rain would be like the best experience in my life.

Wash away the thoughts inside

That keep my mind away from you.

No more love and no more pride

And thoughts are all I have to do

We should all ask this of God.

Love,

<3

I wish I could see the stars too

I counted and i have like..12 streetlights around my house, so I could prob. actually count the amount of stars I can see. It sucks. I wish I lived on the lake.
Today me and hayley and grayson were in his room and he was playing a bunch of his songs and it was real fun and made me think of when me and michael would be in his room and he would play his guitar for hours, and I mean HOURS, i would always like, drift off and then drift back to reality when he played something high or asked me a question and i'd mumble somthing about it sounding really good. I miss that. He's prob. the coolest guy i know and will always be my brother from my other mother, (when you say that in your head, say it REAL black okay?)
Shopping with Gayson is an experience, i can tell you that,.....whew...he's stubborn. i mean, kid just needs to paint on jeans, he'd be way happier. But we did find him some cool shirts, Hayley and I that is. and they weren't to "sleevie"...his word not ours.

So who wants to go watch Spider man and get some Olive Garden, i'll protect you and act all secret service-like. it'd be fun. =)

as far as you know, i'd be better off alone,
but i don't believe it, no i don't believe it.

Here's to the night's we felt alive!

Holy Cow in a basket, tonight was PEEERRRRFECT!
God new i'd had a hard day and gave me tonight. I just had soo much fun, haley and I talked alot, and me and matt and rachel and meagan did too. i'm gonna miss those kids sooooooooo much.
The music was to DIIIIE for, and I got to hang out with Mel Washington, who is Real big, Real black and Real cool.
I also had Green Tea with Peach, you should try it, it's amazing!!
Denna, Brother and Sister, and Mike are alll the coolest indie kids ever.
i have mike's CD!!!
woot.
love,
<3

Work or no work, that is the question.

So hot topic of the day: Is denton going to work at the WiredBean?
well, i called meagan g today and i think it helped, she said that she's call me if somthing came up, and i went there today and helped out a lot, i even got tips, wooo. i told aj that she didn't have to give me tips, but she did, and i'm happy about that. I can now sorta do register and make a sandwich, i can close in all ways, minus register. And i took out a butt load of boxes and i got food orders from the Crab Shack.
It was all real fun. and Meagan G saw all of it, so maybe that helped?

I'm going to miss Erin Ellis a lot, and i hope she knows that, but i will deff. go down with courtney sometime and visit her. It was way cool to hang out with grayson yesterday.

and things are just going right. It's amazing. I think that when you honestly smile, even if it's for no reason, that God makes you happy, like He just goes, " oh yeah, they're smiling, I'm gonna make them happy inside and let them know i'm noticing" Seriously, I'm pretty sure that happened to me today.

So my mom has told me more than once that Speaking in Tongues is fake but yesterday i came home from the bean and she was talking about ghosts...like...she actually belived in them......WHAT?????

I love my whole life.

Thank you God.

Jesus Died for you, and if that's not enough, i will too

Sorry Grayson for misquoting you.
Well, I'm at the wired bean, and i feel like i should come here more often.
I've been talking a lot about doing missions as a career, and I've been planing on getting a sociology degree for it, b/c that would help, and even more so with an emphasis in religion. but now i'm wondering if i should do that or go get a missions degree, i realize that the obvious choice is a mission's degree, but I don't really know if that's for me. I'm not big on bible colleges and i really do want a sociology degree....so i'm really confused. I guess I'm just gonna pray about all this, and i'd really appreciate some prayer from all you readers....do i have readers?
So....yeah..i really want to work here at the bean, and i think I'd be really good at this job,...and if i wasn't, i would quit....like if i just sucked at this job, i would quit in a heartbeat.
Well, farewell, and everyone should be sad that Erin Ellis is leaving Columbia.

God is with us, even on the outside

I feel like I should be blogging about some really important stuff, but i really just dont' have the energy to type it. But do Pray for me, God is nudging me, and I just don't know which way He's nudging me....I know missions is pretty much set in stone, but how I'm going to go about that is still up in the air. oh yeah, and you should live a simple life, b/c if you get too much money, or to much fame, you lose your time to spend with God, He didn't put us on this planet to get rich and famous, or to have a big house with 5 cars and 2.5 dogs. We're here to praise Him and lift Him up, so that's what we need to do.
There's a really good verse on this in Thessalonians, it's in chapter 4 around verse 11 i think, it talks about living a simple life and working with our hands, it's pretty sweet, you should check it out.
Love ya'll guys,
<3

Mon Dieu est parfait

My God is perfect.
And He is. I just wish my bestfriends and I could agree a little more (lot more) on Him. And maybe it's that I'm crazy and all this spiritual stuff is just in my head, or maybe they're just too much in a comfort zone to admit that it is real...oh and this goes for my parents too.
1 Corinthians 14: Tounges and Prophecy ( or gifts of the spirit)
Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire the special abilities the Spirit gievs--especially the ability to prophesy.2For if you have the ability to speack in tounges, you will be talking only to God, since people won't be able to understand you. You will be speaking by the power of the Spirit, but it will all be mysterious.3But one who prophesies strengthens others, encourages them, and comforts them. 4A person who speaks in toungus is strengthend personally, but one who speaks a word of prophecy strengthens the entire church.
5I wish you could all speak in tongues, but even more i wish you could all prophesy. For prophecy is greater than speaking in tongues, unless someone interprets what you are saying so that the whole churche will be strengthened.

And it goes on and talks about if you do speak tongues then you should also pray for the ability to prophesy, and that you shoud pray in the spirit (tongues) and in the language that you understand and that you should sing in the spirit and also works that you understand. Chapter 14 really is amazing. and this is what makes me think that i'm not crazy....
God loves you all,
Good night,
<3

Pray for me.

Title says it all,
for all like..1 of you who read this, maybe two, pray for me.
I need strength and courage, and patience. I'm having a great a but hard time right now. I'm coming to a space where i think i'm going to have to really deal with the fact that demons and angels are real, and i'm going to have to defend that fact i think....this is going to be tough...i'm also going to have to explain that i'm not homosexual anymore to some people, and it's going to be hard and it's going to possibly lead to a fight or two...that'll be fun. so, just please, pray for me.
Love you.
<3

As far as you know, i could be better off alone

Geez, tonight was amazing. i went to scouts and we had fun and these kids were so crazy...but it was fine, in fact me and one kinda bonded....i think we got to an understanding that if he stops acting like an idiot, then i'll give him attention that isn't yelling at him. it works for us, haha.
But after all that i closed the meeting and I prayed. It was amazing, these amazing words just came out of my mouth about how great God was and everything he gave us, and how that means the material and family and even the fun we had tonight. It was great, i mean i really think that they might have gotten somthing out if it, i mean, i might be crazy and giving myself to much credit, but who knows. all i know is that before i went up there to pray i said my own little prayer to God and asked him to give me the right words to say, and...wow did he answer.
"A God who can be personal and intimate with someone who is sleeping while i am working and who is dreaming in a language i will never be able to understand is a God i can't deny"
That's a quote from Megan Venters, she's amazing.....I really love this openly talking about God thing....i haven't been able to do much of it growing up, but now it's getting easier....and i'm lovin it.
<3>But i don't believe it"