Job update

So, I worked with my manager who I thought was completely crazy last night. And she is, completely, but she's not mean, she can be rough and when she's in a mood, nothing anyone does is right. But last night was a really fun night for me at work, and I worked with this kid mitch, and it was really fun and we ended up talking after work for like an hour. I had prayed all day long yesterday and God answered with astounding results. I love Him, and there's no doubt that He loves me.
I also have been struggling with a lot lately, and in fighting against it all, I realized that I was losing my relationship with God because of all of this stuff I have been struggling with. Realizing that freaked me out, and I started going double time to fix things and repent, ask for my debt to be forgiven and just get my heart/mind where they should be. And in doing this, I realized that I can't exist with out God. Nothing is strong with out Him. I am not strong without Him. In short, I do want Him, without a doubt, I want Him in all that I do. Because without Him, all that I do goes to hell. Yesterday went so perfectly, that I can't help but realize the difference He made in it. I don't know how to end this, I'll prob. end up writing another blog today though

Which job?

So, I have this new job. And I may or may not hate it. And equally I may or maynot like it more than my last job. It was only my third night tonight and I got off early, but I do nothing but bust my ass the whole time I'm there, and I'm a pansy and it wears me out. Phisically it's exhausting and mentally it's exausting. Between working non-stop and being on my feet the whole time, learning how things work and what goes where and in what and how much of what to do what with and why this is all done, I feel as though I'm not going to learn it all, and will just suck at this and end up getting fired. I mean my crazy manager just fired someone who was an amazing employee because he called in sick and she didn't believe he was sick. So yeah....I"m just tired and feel like dying. And since I got this job I have barely talked to God at all. I feel like I'm trying to fit 48 hours in to every day and eventually my world is going to expload.
As you can see, I'm pretty frustrated, and I don't know why, but I need to calm down before I give myself a heart attack. Please pray that I get my crap under control.
Thank you.

Books

So, I went to buy those books yesterday and realized that no one had them. I was confused, but then I realized that books aren't going to help me know if I want God. They're not even meant for that. The only way I'm going to figure out if I want God is by finding out who He is, and if I want a part of that. Scripture is going to give me that, not Rob Bell or Donald Miller nor the late C.S. Lewis. The only book that will tell me about Him is the one that He wrote. And how else do you get to know someone? You talk to them. So, Today, I start talking to God again. Not just praying and asking, but talking...asking questions not favors, telling Him about myself, and talking to other people about Him, asking who He is to Them. This seems juvenile to me, like I should be past doing this, I sound like I'm trying to figure out if I believe in God or not, but I know I believe in Him, I just don't know if I want Him.
Also, I have an Interview today, and I'm hoping He'll help me...I'm very fickle with Him....I hope He doesn't mind.

Today,
I realized that I dont know if I want God. I know I need Him, I know He is there, I know that He is good and glorious, and most importantly Real.
And I realized also that God-wants-me. I know He loves me, I know that He wants me, and that all He is doing, He is doing for me.
But I have to decide if I-want-Him. And that's going to be very difficult. I know what the answer should be, and I know what I want it to be, but I'm not going to give myself the Sunday School answer here. So, I'll probably be doing a lot of blogging from here on out, so for those of you who read this, I hope you'll be along for the ride.
Now, to go buy Sex God by Rob Bell and maybe Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller in hopes that these books will help.

I just need a little bit of Hope, just a little bit.

I need hope.
I need hope in my life, that I wont end up alone, that I will actually make somthing of myself, that I wont end up like this at the end of it all. I need to know that someone is there for me.
I need hope that my bestfriend will eventually pick up her phone, that my life will stop spinning, and that I wont be stuck here forever.
I need hope in people again, I need hope in my friends, in God, in church and community, in my art, in myself, in love and in trust. I need hope that my family will stop fighting and start loving. I need hope that I'll eventually help someone, that I will count for somthing at the end of the road.
I need hope in tomorrow. I need hope in today.

Trails forsaken

"My heart beating faster and faster, my breathing following the same trend, My feet pounding the ground, evading the rocks and pot holes trying to make me fall. My arms pumping and reaching out for balance and hand holds, fingers bloodied and bruised. Dodging around trees, branches reaching out to pull me back, watching for roots who'd rather I broke my leg or neck than reach the summit, much less the otherside. Years, decades of leaves piled up, stealing my traction like theives after diamonds. All of nature, flesh, the here and now binding together with one goal in mind: Pulling me back, Keeping me here, Making this Valley my home, literally where my heart is. This slope, this steep mountain side is generations old, built up by the sins of the fathers, the ignored, over looked, hushed up, never discussed, blocked out, festering sins. This is my greatest fear, threat, danger, and opponent, and will be my greatest triumph. And still when that victory is made, it will have naught to do with me."

Church

What kind of church are we?
Last I heard it was as close to the church of Acts as we could get. We were authentic, we did not act like most churches, nor did we follow the trends that were seen in main stream churches, especially not the kind that need 20 associate pastors. We were not fond of elaborate structure and cared about helping people, whether that entailed our own brothers and sisters or the ones that came in through our battered door for the first time. We wanted to have fun doing the simple things and enjoying the beauty God has given us, through music, food,trips, and fellowship. We asked awkward questions and we waited until we received the awkward and honest answers. We admitted weaknesses and faults, we fessed up our desires and our wants, and never felt judged or lesser because of those things.
Are we still that church, am I helping us to be that? I believe that that is the church we are still meant to be, because I honestly feel as though it was the core of what our community was built on. Honestly, simplicity, community, and love. Those were what we strove for, and if we failed, we tried again.
I don't know if that's still us, but I can't see it. And still this may be a fault of mine, I honestly can't say, but something needs to change, I'm willing to help in that, just tell me how.