SO

God is good. So is today.
I got a over full nights rest (btw hasn't happend in over 6 months.) and i'm drinking a double tall whitechoc. and irish cream iced latte, just had a cig (i've been cutting down a lot, it's been over a week). So yeah, i'm so so so good right now. I'm happy.
Love,
Denton.

Messy

We are messy, we are broken, we smoke and use colorful language, we dance, and we yell and we laugh during worship, we admit our struggles and do not pretend, we are christians. We follow a Jesus who helped the prostitutes and tax collectors and the outcast, we serve the God of Noah, who got drunk and naked after the flood , the God who called Isreal His chosen even when they turned away from him. I am hoplessly flawed and I am hopelessly Forgiven, unconditionally Loved. We deal with alcohol, and substance abuse, we face homosexuality and sexual immorality, we judge, and we doubt. And we are loved all the same, and we do not pretend to be any more or any less than we are.

Moons, hot tubs, and super cuddles

I can't help but think that when creating the universe and setting it all in motion, God knew last night was going to happen.
and that makes me smile a little bit.

I am this great unstable mass of blood and foam,

and no one in her right mind would make my home her home.

So, i found out somethings on sunday. I have a problem with loneliness, as in, i don't deal with it well. I freak and take everything out of context. (look at the last post, now ignore that one and look at the one before it.)
Second, I am not alone in my loneliness. I'm not the only one who is up at 1:30 looking at facebook going...why don't i have any wall post?
Third, I've lost my feeling of community at the Shack. The shack hasn't lost it's sense of community, just me. i feel like an outsider sometimes. Can i also say that this is purely caused by the fact that i hate that i don't live in columbia. I feel as though i'm removed from the comunity of Columbia and Shack. But, i have let all of this take me a direction of "getting over it" and realized that i'm A) not alone and B) not ACTUALLY removed from the Shack community.
good yeah?

To my bestfriend

I got your valentines day card tonight. I am sick and pittiful and kind feel like dying. Thank you for the card. it made my night in so many ways. I love you, and i was just reminded about how you are always there for me when i need you to be.
Happy valentimes day.
I love you,
Denton.

So, i don't really know what possesed me to post this again, but i am.
I introduce you to a 10th grade Denton Cruser who thought he could write poetry. (slightly altered from its original form.)
Every word, however, is still true.

That Girl

That girl over there,
i've seen her before.

I think i saw her from a far,
just across the room, but unreachable.

I saw her again, in the library,
she was across the table.

She said "hey, i dont really know you, but can i sit here?"
I asked myself 'is still untouchable?'
she sat.

Now, she sits next to me, and i think,
'no one's ever touched me in the way she has,
no one's brought out me as much as her, and
no one has ever let me see who i am, in the way she has."

But She's not the same girl across the room, with the violas anymore.
Or across the table anymore
Now, she is that crazy girl,
That amazing, saving girl,

who made Me reachable.

wait...what?

I don't understand.
Why on earth do i feel upset about stupid shit like facebook.
I really, honest to God, don't get it and it makes me so mad. My worth is not determined by facebook pictures or myspace messages or blog comments. I mean, really, what is wrong with me. That even in my worst, weekest, and most depressed state, that this stuff would bother me. When i have the Greatest Love, the most Significant Attention all the time.
I obviously need to work on my self-esteem.

When ever i close my eyes, i see your face.

So, the title of this blog was a joke, and the real one is....
The Most Remarkable Thing About Them Being in My Life is That They are THEM!
There's some people in my life i would like to show my thanks for.
A boy who can put me in a good mood no matter what, and that is so exagerated in everything he does that it makes me want to expand myself
A girl who has me utterly wraped around her finger in the best way.
A girl who is so brave and whom has showed me how deep God's strength and love is, who i didn't know how deeply i cared about until saturday.
A woman who is a warrior and will never let us give up on ourselves.
A Family who i have found extrodinary and beyond anything i have ever seen. A family who can take a broken and scared girl, and raise her to who feet in a matter of days by forming a certain team AWESOME.
My heart is growing and deepening and it hurts in the best way possible. i have been broken and am mending. Refreshing is an understatment.

"I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foamAnd no one in her right mind would make her home my home"

It's a cold and broken hallelujah.

I want to be bitter, and jaded, and furious, and jealous. I want to punch a wall, and cry and yell and i want to scream until my throat is raw. I want to sing and smile and laugh and scream my love for God and my friends until my voice is no more. I want to, i NEED to, expel the emotion racing through me. I'm so thankful that such a display of family was shown this past week, and infuriated that i wasn't part of it. I'm mad at myself for not being more accessable and hate the fact that i don't live in columbia. I feel like i'm missing so much and i don't know what to do about it. I feel helpless in this. I'm thankful for the times i do get to stand on green street and the time i spend with the family i have there. but regret every minute i'm not there, missing out on sumo in the park and getting coffee and playing poker, and seeing people on greene street.
Joy and anger are burning inside of me, fighting to be my primary emotion, making me confused and leaving me with a feeling of coals in my chest and an aching behind my eyes that i can only assume is an unshed tear. How dare i not have been there, did not give strength and support...
But i was praying, and that is best thing i could have done. but i could have spent more time praying. My heart is crying out for God, and my head is aching for peace.
God is so good, I've been singing, yelling, crying, laughing this for weeks. But why is it not reaching my heart tonight?
Lord of Peace, I cry out to you! Abide in me and calm my storm. Teach me to Love you. Please.

well sometimes i dont feel like i have the right to wear You around my neck

I cut my necklace off today. You know the one, with the cross, that i've had on my neck for the past eight years. While i have never felt like i haven't had the right to wear it, i've often felt like it was the only thing keeping me honest and in line at times. And still i strayed.
Tonight i realized i don't need to wear a cross to keep me accountable. As of tonight, i refuse to have a cross around my neck to make me act like a christian. I will choose daily to be a christian.
From tonight on, i will hold myself accountable.
God is good, so so good.

All you need is love.

I am constantly surrounded by the most mature, deep, fun, intelligent people, and it makes me feel like a child. I feel like i have so much to learn in order to become the person i want to become. (or need to become? i dont know.) I feel like i got out of highschool and was plunged in to a world that expected more out of me than i was ready to give. At first i handled it pretty well, then i didn't. I gave a lot, and then i ran out of stuff to give, i kept on depending on what I had to offer and that is sorely limited. I stoped letting God support me and give me strength. I stopped. Like in every positive aspect of my life..i stopped. And then i went back to shack and my life went.....BAM! and it's like my gears just got back in order. I don't think i've ever recovered this fast from a stumbling block like that. It's good to know that i have what it takes to change when i need to. After all of this, i feel slightly more confident that i don't suck as a child of God. B/c sometimes i really just can't accept that He loves me. I'm coming to understand the Unconditional part of His love more and more, but somtimes i still feel like i'm not enough. but those times are becoming less. I'm accepting more love than i have in a long time. From every where. My life is filled with really great people, and i'm realizing that more and more on a daily basis.
"we accept the love that we think we deserve." That is true, very true. and the more i love myself, and the less i hate myself and the more i let the Lord clean me out, the more love i accept from people.
This is good.