Why am i crying?

So, i just found out that an old friend from highschool died in a car wreck, a drunk driver hit him. His name was spencer mullins. i only knew him for two years, and we didn't really talk a lot, mainly just gave eachother shit while my brother drove him home, and sometimes at school we'd say hey and give eachother more shit. But he was one of the first guys to really be a friend to me, i don't make friends with guys really easy, so it was really cool. i haven't seen him in a little over a year.

So can some one tell me why i'm crying? i've been crying on and off for the last hour, and i'm crying right now as I type this. I mean, i haven't talked to him in forever, i only knew him for two years barely, more like one and a half, and never had a real conversation with him. we just picked on eachother.....

and now all i can think about are those rides when i sat by the door with him in the middle, my brother had a truck with only one seat, and he just would give me shit about everything, and i'd give it right back, he was one of the first people who i could really have a sarcastic sparing match with, without fearing i'd hurt their feelings, and without getting hurt myself.

GOD! i'm so tired of crying.

this sucks so bad. i've thought about him sparingly in the past couple of years, just here and there and laughing and enjoying the memories....i mean, i dont' really feel like i should have talked to him more, me and him just weren't really close. but we did sit through inschool together once, that was hilarious, he was talking about his service learning teacher, and how we thought he was gay and how spencer thought he walked around with a dildo stuck up his butt. haha, spencer was really crude sometimes, but if you saw how this teacher walked, you'd understand....hahahahaha, now i'm laughing out of hilarity and holding back tears! this is so weird and stupid. i'm sad that he died, but i don't feel this profound loss or anything, it's not even so much that i miss him, well..i guess i do, but since i haven't seen him in so long, it's not a huge miss, and the fact that i wont ever see him agian, hurts me only so much b/c i didnt see him for 2 years.

Spencer was also bi, and use to hit on me a lot, i think he knew that i was interested in guys then...but he never brought me out...i guess he just didn't really see a need to, he just respected the fact that i wasn't ready to come out....
Well, goodbye Spencer, thanks for everything...

Love always,

Denton

Calling out to me, calling out to me

I want to wake up thinking about God.

Achievement is the god of our nation

This is really sad to me, Our nation bows to their god of acheive ment and possessions before our true God.

So i just finished typing my draft, and it's amazing, i feel really good about it. i mean, i accept the fact that my english teacher is going to tear it apart tomorrow morning, but i think it's good for the fist essay i've written since my senior project, haha

HOUSE CHURCH TONIGHT!!! woot.
God is so glorious.

God Bless,
Love.
<3

Call me

Columbia is so beautiful when it rains. In all the mountains and on all the beaches and all the fields i've been in, i've never seen a place more beautiful when it rains than columbia. Hawai'i,...no, not even there. Something about the streaking water against the rough brick buildings and the splashes on the sidewalks, and the sky line against lightning and rolling clouds, it just makes a storm look even more like the most beautiful of creations. I wish i had a picture of it for you.

God is gracious in every way, be patient and He will carry you through.
Shack band sang two really amazing songs tonight, one was just really powerful and fast and simple, it made me try to jump with my gimp foot. The other was was so funky, and i mean that as in...Funk, the genre of music. I loooved it. Lou plays violin like a mad woman! If i could ONLY play like that....aahh...it was amazing.

I need to find my calling..or rather,...i need to determin what God is calling me to do, if He is presently calling me that is, and if not, then i have to wait for Him to call me, and hear it, and obey. I am not made to do the office job thing, i need to be out there acting for God, i need to be and activist for God, like Moses,...i mean..i do go to shack, and the shack is the "hippie church" apparently, haha. it's okay, we're all proud of the title.

God bless,

Love.
<3

life....

So, I'm now a closer at the wired bean, i get my key tomorrow! this is really exciting, for many reason, but one of my favorites is that megan thinks that i'm qualified for it, and that i stuck to doing my absolute best at my job! I'm not always the best person at that kind of stuff. and now it's kinda like a...i did it for that amount of time. i can do it again...and then again. this is good. Life is getting kind of weird, all this stuff is happening, and like...it just hasn't hit me. I'm 18, i'm in college, and i have a good job and working three nights a week...ish. haha, i mean, who the hell let me grow up?
well, everything will come with time right? God is good, and He holds me in His hands. I trust in Him unfailingly.
God bless,
Love.
<3

God teaches.

I've just started learning that God teaches me things, He does not give me them. I ask for patience, and He goes..."okay denton, lets teach it to you" and He puts really really slow car infront of me on the road and waits for me to freak out, ask for patience again, and then go..oh..i should calm down...until when cars go slow, i have minimal freak out and a very quick calm. This....He tells me,...is patience. and I go...Thank you. This is the relationship i've had with him this summer. It's amazing. I think I blogged about asking God to "break me" earlier this summer. well I've been asking Him to do that a lot. like almost everyday. and i didn't really realize what i was asking until sunday night. and then it was like...oooh, so that's why i've gone through so much the past two months. I was literally asking for it. I've learn so much patience this summer, and so much...just...to rely on God in all situations. To be selfless and concious. I've learned what freedom really is and what the Blood really bought us. and how to use that to my advantage. It's amazing. I grow to know God more and more everyday and eachday it amazes me.
I think i'm ready now. :]
God Bless,
Love.
<3

college.

College starts for me tomorrow. ugh.
I spent time in courtney's and danielles dorms today, it was fun. I wish it was easier to get to courtney's dorm, and into it. lol, paterson is stupid b/c boys can't be in the stairs at anytime, haha.
Capstone is cool tho, i don't even have to sign in until 6 there, wooo!
ugh, i have a 7:00 class. i'll never do that again. good night
i made some kind of break through today at shack, it was really good. i also have my next art project in mind, i'm excited.
God Bless,
Love.
<33

Something glorious is about to happen.

So today was amazing, work was long but good. i got a couple compliments on my drinks, which will always, no matter what, put me in a good mood.
Then i went to cheer up courtney, and susan came and hayley came after that. haha. She has a good support system.
Courtney's moving out, and i'm really glad for her. i'm a little bit jealous of her actually. I'm a little jealous of a couple things right now though...haha. It was really fun hanging out with those three tonight. i had a ton of fun. each of them bring somthing totally different and unique and exciting into my life. Courtney make everything so much fun, like...really, i'd be dull with out that girl sometimes. Susan, she is the epicenter of comic relief of the best kind, and in a way only she can be. Hayley, she's my voice of reason, and also my sarcastic partner in crime. Me and her always have the same thoughts at the same time, and tonight, we laughed at a lot of the same stuff that no one else really noticed, and if they did, they didn't find it half as funny as we did. She let's me be 12 years old, and i couldn't be more thankful for it.
Hayley has a had a lot of great things said about her this summer, and i can really only think of one way to condence it all. She brings us all to focus. We're all so frazzled, and crazy, and if you could see our emotional selves, you'd think we licked a freaking car battery. She seriously makes us calm down, think, and grounds us.
Thank you Hayley Nelson, you're refreshing, fun, yet keeps us grounded, and we couldn't ask for a better friend.
Godbless,
Love.
<3

P.S. College isn't going to be nearly as bad as i was making it sound in my last post. It's and adventure that i'm going to have to take, and God is preparing me as we speak with what it's gonna take.

eh.

so apparently tech starts on monday.
just found this out today....woo.
yeah, and just rated my teachers, apparently they all suck and are hard and don't explain shit, except for my history teacher. she's apparently an angel among demons at midlands tech.
uuuggghhhhh.
This is my next adventure, and i have what it takes. God will get me through this if i put in my end. wow...i'm gonna have to study.
God bless,
Love.
<3

I got woken up by a fly.

There is a house fly in my room, and it woke me up.
i mean, i needed to get up, but it couldn't have been a dog, or new car, or one of my friends...or maybe the girl of my dreams?
noooo, had be a fly.
grrr.

There's no shade for body heat

ugh...if i go though any more ups and downs like i have fore the past three days i'm gonna go crazy. Emotional rollercoasters are for losers. I was having this amazing week, and then it went to hell, and now it's all better.
yeah....my life really does go like that. it sucks, i wish it didn't. and now that everything's alright again the crappy part seems SO stupid. like somthing that could have been avoided with a little extra thought. ya know?
well anyways, josh is leaving on thursday, philip is at the beach all week(jealous), danielle and courtney are moving this weekend.
i'm not going to deal well with that.
really really bad things may happen. i might break down. i realize now that i have not even began to cope with this. danielle is going to be 15-20 minutes farther away than she is now...a minute away from me. lksadjf kldsjgjdfgjeflkjdskl
this SUCKS!.
no, i'm really happy for them, really really happy, i just have to deal with this, i guess i'll start now.
God Bless,
Love,
<3

I wish it would rain, i could use the release.

I'm sitting in my bed, listening to dashboard on repeat.
It needs to rain, hard. it needs to pour and storm, trees need to uprooted. The world needs to see what i'm feeling inside.
Power needs to fail, and my yard needs to flood, so the tears i can't create will have a release.

Imagine a world where there is no heaven?

Why, why oh why would i want to do that. i really don't like that song. maybe that makes me a bad coffee shop kid, but i really can't stand it. It makes no sence to me.
I'm so content with my life right now, it's crazy. i can't remember the last time that i didn't have a thousand wants or needs running around my head. I love my friends, my job, my family, my church family, my school situation. i have no reason to complain, and i LOVE it. I feel as if i've broken through the brain-washing of the american dream, to want and need more, better, faster, to be richer, more powerful, smarter, sexier, and it's glorious! Thank God for this my friends.

I don't think i'm going to go to the show on friday. i really don't think i need to. I wont gain really anything at all from it, and it has potential to make me angry, and i don't actually know/like any of the bands except All Get Out, but i'm seeing them on the 25. well, i guess that settles that, haha. Thanks God,...again.

A thankful heart prepares the way
For You, my God
A thankful heart prepares the way
For You, my God
Come fall on us we fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our rhythm
Come fall on us we fall on You
A thankful heart
Will be our song

God bless,
Love.
<3

Shack is a church, and a home, i don't think i could ask for a better one of either.

I heard that for the first time today. Britt coons called it a church and it made the difference to me. She didn't call it a ministry, she called it a church.
Tonight was the first time i felt like a was a part of Shack. I stayed for like 2 hours after and played mafia while a bunch of ppl played poker. Me and lou were determined to kill eachother, haha. Jessica and David(aka Bing) asked me if i would become a part of their house church (small group-ish thing) which is really cool. I felt like this was a more solid group of Shackers than normal, it was fun and refreshing. I feel like I belong to a church family again, and that makes me so wonderfully happy. I went tonight b/c of God, and i mean that in ever sense possible. I went to be with God and learn about Him, and i went b/c He wanted me to. It's amazing. I'm at a really good point in my life, and i don't say that lightly at all. I don't have many good points in my life, i usually have a lot of trouble and battles and stuff, and it usually is equal to the good stuff. Now, though, the good is SO out weighing the bad, and i think i just might make it through this thing called College. We'll see.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

hm...

I may or may not be being called back into music, i don't know how i feel about this, and i don't know why i'm thinking of this right now when everything else in my life is spinning out of control.
maybe this is my mind, or soul, or just God telling me that i need a release and this is as good as one as any. i mean, it's better than self-mutilation. Not that i had thought about that or anything, no no no, that's not for me, and shouldn't be for anyone, but let's not get off topic. Maybe my mind and soul need a release of a creative kind and art just isn't coming to me right now, and i'm getting tired of listening to music, so maybe this means i should make my own??? curious-er and curious-er...i don't think i spelled that correctly. In my mind i've babbled all of this, i have know clue wheather or not it's going to be read that way though. Weird how that works right?
Have a good day all! and remember, essence comes before existence!
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Essence before Existence. This exist, quite objectively; what now?

Dear God,
I've not had a break for three weeks, if not longer. This is a problem that i don't have a solution to at all. So, now it's Yours. it's a 2000 dollar problem that i'm giving to You to fix. I'll be more than happy to be a vessal for that solution, but i can't do more than that. This is a petition to You, I'm at my end, i'm praying and i'm talking to You, and now i'm petitioning You. I love You Abba. You are my Father, my Daddy, my Go-To-Guy. I thank You for everything You've given me and done for me. But i do have to ask, what does this lead to. There is a point to all of this, i just don't know what yet. I know so far that it's pushed me closer to you, taught my how to lose control to you, and taught me patience, but that's it so far. Please, give me some insight.
Love,
Denton

I've had many amazing conversations to day, and i don't really know how to deal with all of them. But i'm gonna try now.
Megan-I'm sorry, i'm praying, i almost cried when i read that email, i've never faced this situation before, but it's somthing i have to deal with, welcome to the real world, eh? I understand your position in this, really, i do. :/
Courtney-I am now accountable for you, i will be your Watcher. I'm glad because of this.
Susan-I hope that what me and courtney talked about today will help you some. I've wanted to introduce you to God for a while, maybe it'll happen soon, i dunno.
Philip- sorry i hit you a lot today, hahaha. Our friendship means a lot to me, even if you don't realize it yet.
Meagan B-i didn't call you back, i'm sorry, some issues came up that i'm still not sure how to deal with. I'll call you tomorrow. but today was a lot of fun and i hope it can happen lots more.

God is working, i can feel it in my soul. I don't know if i'm excited about it, but i know i'm anxious about it.

Merci

Thank you, thank you So much.
You prob saved my life and my GPA today. Thank you for giving me a chance and having faith in me. I don't get told that a lot. i don't know i it's b/c people don't have faith in more, or because their faith in me is never really tested. It made me feel amazing. Thank you also for recomending this book to me. it's glorious.

I've now realized that God owns me, and i'm so so so glad for that. He created me and He has bought me with His blood. I am His twice over. Thank God.