If you could forget everything that i did,

then i would never lie

So things aren't really looking up, but i'm dealing with them better now. I have aquired the most amazing support system ever this summer. I think i would really die or go insane if i didn't have the friends i have and the God i have. With out those two things,....my life wouldn't be worth the energy i use up. But thankfully it is, b/c i have an Amazing God and glorious friends in abundance. I've gotten really close to some unsuspected people, and i think its b/c the people whom i've been close too for a while have been distant, not in the emotional sense, but in the physical literal sense. as in...far away. And i think it was a good thing this happened. B/c in my oppinion, you can never have enough bestfriends. And i do truly have many, and i don't think i could place any of them in any spots or order. b/c each one of them brings somthing different and wonderful to my life.
I'm going to have to get another job....and keep my job at the wired bean. I'm going to be working two jobs my freshman year of college.....i've got to be insane. But i think it'll help that two of my classes are hybrid, meaning that half my work is online, b/c i can do that at 2:30 in the morning if i have too.
I need to go back to church. i miss the shack a lot. And since God is the one holding my life/mind together at this point,....i need to go learn about Him and abide in Him and worship and praise Him.
God bless,
Love,
<3

This is rediculous.

I feel like I'm making the right choice, but the worst mistake of my life.
This isn't right, but it's actually the best, the only, thing to do.
I'm sorry. This sucks, believe me, I know it more than ever now.
The single thing that has freed my entire life, now holds me back from you.
It'll pass, I promise. I hope. I pray.
Every night is followed by day.


this is a poem.
It's called "my sacrifice"
I gave somthing to God about five months ago, and now...that sacrifice is taking form, and i'm seeing it in the flesh. And it's absolutly one of the hardest things i've ever gone through.

Pourquoi moi?, ce ne juste pas

A list sounds good for this:
i'm a little tired,
i don't want to go camping on friday,
i'd rather be able to work my 7 hour shift,
i wish things could be different
B/c you're as close to perfect as it gets

Things aren't, so i just have to accept it

God is amazing, i love Him and everything He's done in my life
I'm sorry i missed warped tour

Jack johnson is amazing
Megan Porter is awesome.

Hayley is my newst bestfriend
I miss my other three
Spencer and Rachel listen to me very well
I miss not ever seeing my manager

I love my job, i just wish i got more tips...

my hand is purple and i don't know why.

God bless,
Love.

<3

I should have gone to LE

Not that i don't absolutly love all of my white knoll friends to death, my three bestfriends came from there after all. I should have gone to Lugoff Elgin. I would have had more friends there, haha. I hung out with a some yesterday, it was amazing. Even if cass did pants me like three times.....actually one time, it was way more than pants, haha. Watch out if that kid is behind you. Philip and Bradly were hilarious, Brad can get very....zoned tho, it was actually really funny. Philip is hilarious, if you don't know him, you should. Me and him and megan all slept in my bed last night. That was fun.....lmao. Then there's Ava, she works at hooters, she's artsy, and quite hilarious when she's real tired.
So they all stayed the night over at my house last night b/c they had to be together to leave for warped tour this morning. i'm really jealous, i really really wish i could have gone. They're having a lot of fun, i know this b/c me and philip have been texting a lot today. He's really tired and about to die, i'm really bored and about to die...see, we have so much in common. We didn't get much sleep and then cass came and woke us up.....grrrr. i hate that kid in the mornings. a lot. i mean...from the depths of the core of my soul dispise that kid in the mornings. i don't care if he pantses me all day long, as long as he is not the one to wake me up....grrrr.
So yeah, that was yesterday. it was awesome. Hooters has really good food, even if the entire establishment is degrading.
bah bah black sheep.
God Bless,
Love.
<3

Heat

I think i got over heated yesterday, b/c i felt horrible and by the time i went to bed, i thought i was going to die. I mean, i was doing landscaping stuff from like 11:30 to 1, so yeah, it was 189 degrees outside. Sooo, it's a posiblity right? WHY is it so hot now, i mean, when i drive home from work now, at like 11 or 12, it's friggin 89 if i'm lucky, if i'm not it's still 95. i hate the south, i'm moving to like...Maine.

This is today's temps for the south east.


ugh. heat is a stupid concept. Warmth, is good, Heat is not. Cold is good, always, b/c if it's 0 out side, you can put on layers, if it's 105 out side, you can only take off until you get to skin. Past that, it's a little dangerous. and i dunno about you, but i don't like seeing me shirtless, so i'm guessing you don't either.
so on other news, i can't work my first day alone on the 28th b/c i'm going to be camping. I love camping, but it always happens at horrible times.
Oh and to you who prayed for me, thank you sooo much. It helped a lot. To you others who decided to just ask questions about somthing i said i wasn't going to explain, i'm praying for you.
I think i'm running out of things to say. rawr.....i'm soooo bored right now.......why is my life not one excitment after another.......? oh yeah, b/c i'd die. but besidest that, it seems like fun.
God bless,
Love.
<3

Things have become infinitely better.

And i can only thank God for that. He has gotten me through once again. At some point, maybe it'll get easier to not get myself in to positions where He needs to. but for now, i'm so amazingly thankful for that. I mean, if you're going through a rough time right now, try just giving it up to God, it helps. i know you prob. think i'm silly, but i mean, really.....if you've exhausted all of your other options. what does it hurt to try? i mean, many many people do it every day, all the time, there are books, the bible...etc...., written about it, and ppl sing and dance about it all the time. We can't all be wrong can we? i mean, in what other religion did a person let them selves be killed to save us? I mean, it's a historical fact that Jesus lived, and that He died on a cross, okay, so christians have it right so far, why not be a little self-indulgent and say He did it all for us? Crazy right? why would some one who walked through his entire life with out wrong doing, and just constantly helping people, die for people that no one but God knew would eventually exist? B/c he loved us.

Don't ask why i decided to preach tonight, it just happened, the Spirit moved me. I hope you enjoyed, i did.

Love all of you.

God bless,

Love.
<3

If it wasn't for Jesus, i'd be going insane.

I screwed up really bad tonight. i mean, i think this is one of the most extreme screw ups of my life thus far. I'm not gonna explain this at all, but i just need prayer and help and, um....just support b/c i don't know if i've ever known this kind of guilt. And i can't blame anyone but me, i mean others could have stopped me, but it wouldn't have ment anything to me. I was just on a snowball i guess and this was the end of this hill. This was the part where i crashed and melted and have yet to pick myself up. i'm a puddle, and nothing more, and right now, i don't really deserve to be anything more. Pray for me, a lot, pray for my mental health, and for my will and that God will give me strength and let me forgive myself, b/c i know He's already forgiven me, He's awesome like that. And that is the ONLY reason i'm not like...playing in traffic right now.

Help me, please.

So, i broke

I'm writing one of those thingies.

One. You're amazing, and i miss you and i can get so mad at you b/c you never listen, but then again, you listen to more of what matters from me than any one else in my life. At some point, we became supper close, and i'm okay with that. God blessed me in 9th grade, even if i didn't know it then.

Two. I missed you, but now we're back. You know me very well. We need to get together and watch some 80's movies some day, it'll be fun, and i promise we'll get some bistro. And i'm going to make you somthing out of a shirt if it kills me.

Three. I'm sorry for you, b/c i know that hurts, but i think it was necessary, and i think it's for the best, and I really hope you come friday and i really hope you get past this and you two can be friends.

Four. I miss you to, come back damnit! We need to have a night out again. I miss our wonderful rides with screaming music and laughing at everyone who's ever hurt us b/c they will never experience a night like those nights that we have sooo often. I am blessed to be your friend.

Five. We don't talk anymore, you don't even read this, and i hate the former! You were my bestfriend for 10 years and now you've just faded from my life, you didn't even call me on my birthday party, and i'm sure if i asked you to come friday, you'd just say you were busy, or you had to work, or you'd even come and bring that kill joy, and she'd just be a bitch and you'd have to leave early. I'm sorry that we ended up like this. really really sorry.

Six. Bestfriend! you've ment a lot to me for the past three weeks. You've helped me through prob. more than you know you have. Thank you. I give you a lot of crap, but i really do love you, and everything about you. If you were any different, life wouldn't be as fun. I'm glad we finally got to have our smoke date.

Seven. You made life interesting, really interesting. You even got me grounded. Well, thank you for that. You mean a lot to me, even if we've been out of touch. and you look better than ever right now, and i'm glad i can say.....well you know what i can say, haha. We hit a bump a while a go, and i'm glad we could get passed it. I'll have to thank niqui one day.

Eight. i have no clue why i'm just now getting to you, but...well, i love you. We'll always be friends. We'll always be bestfriends. and some day, we'll beable to see eachother twice in one month. haha. Lets get together and worship some day?

Nine. You came as a suprise this year. i've known you for about 7 months now, and you're amazing. I'm excited to see who you'll become in the next year. and i love that you're just down the road from me (kinda) and i can call you if i ever need you. I'm glad that we got to sneak out that night. it was a lot of fun. and we got to help someone. wooo. You're always ready to help, and i love that about you.

So about this depressing conversation

let's not let it ruin our faith, just accept that God is unjust and be mad about it

So, that's basically what Shack was like, and i don't think i liked it very much. Basically, we talked about how life isn't fair and that God isn't just. Well, actually God is just, b/c Who are WE to say what is just?! We are just humans, mortals, just because God made us in His Image, doesn't mean that we have to power to say what is just. Our concept of justice is set by our society and what we interpret from the Bible. Well guys, we're not perfect we don't always interpret it right, and God is the only one fit to say what is just and what is not. He is the Ultimate, the Alpha, the Omega, our Creator, THE Creator. He knows what is just, He knows what is happening, and it is not fair for us to question that. I mean, okay so we're not going to hell for questioning god, but i mean, It's not okay to just get mad about it and talk in circles about it, dwelling on it. Okay, get mad, but then get over it and just let Him do his work. Accept, not that God is unjust, but that God knows what justice is, and have faith that He is carrying it out. It does not sit well with me that no one at Sunday Night Shack seemed to grasp this, even me, i didn't really think about this until late last night. I mean, life's not fair, we will not always reap what we sow in this life, on earth. But in the after life, we will get what we deserve. So bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people, THAT'S OKAY! b/c in the end, God will keep his promise to us, and will judge us in the end. Thank God that He has not taken it up to give you what you deserve, b/c if so, You'd prob. be toast, you'd be a nice crispy spot on the ground/floor/road/bed/hallway/where ever you were.
Rant over.

God bless, Good night.
Love,

<3

I've never seen good intentions set a man free

This girl is amazning, her and i hung out yesterday and it was a lot of fun. And she's going to be the first woman i have during my 18th birthday party. the first of 18 may i add, haha. We went to columbia and she bought be icecream for my birthday, woot! and we went to five points and interacted with drunk guys looking for highschool girls and then we went to shack. Shack was amazing, the disccusion was a little depressing but it's okay, and then we went out for chinese! and i had crab legs and acted like a barbarian, all the while she was trying to get some guy to leave her alone via text, haha. Then we went to the old mill for no reason at all, and hung out in the sketchy backroom and stared at a brick wall for about 10 minutes........yeah....
then we went to my house and hung out and talked and went for a walk where i told her about my plan to subdue here with cloraphorm(Sp?). then we walked back to my house and she eventually went home. it was a fun night.
Thankyouhayleynelson!

Grayson is afraid that the blogging world is dying.
This is proof it's not.
See, i'm blogging.

Woo the fourth.

I felt like shit for most of the day. Thank GOD! for asprin and water. Buuut i finally got a nap and i feel much better. i want to go get some fireworks tho...if i don't get any, i'm gonna be pissed! (fireworks that is)
This weeks as been really fun! i think i finally know what tattoo i want....but more imprortantly, i have to talk to my Dad about my piercing....eck! this will be fun. myabe he'll finally realize that it's somthing that he can't stop and that it's really not that bad. I hope so anyways.
God Bless,
Love.
<3