so.

So, i should have listened.
i should have listened to God and to my Bestfriend.
I didn't wanna do this, i didn't want for this to happen, but something like it would have happened eventually, b/c i just couldn't...not as much.
Why can't i want a serious relationship, how can't i be ready? why couldn't i like her as much as she liked me?
This was stuipd and unnecessary, and if it is how i feel, so it isn't petty, it still feels like i behaved like someone much younger than i'd like to appear to be.
How could i ask the questions and not listen to the answer, want guidance and then refuse it b/c it wasn't what i wanted.
I wanted this, i really really wanted this, there is no reason for me not to. There's also no reason for me to not be ready for it, b/c i wanted it that much. but i'm not, and there are parts of my life i can't neglect b/c of somthing i want.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Hah.

I'm a douche bag who has childish tendencies.
more on this later.

i'll never think of menthe the same again.
or pecks on the cheek.
I'll never forget,
and you held my hands.

I was so nervous, but God calmed me down...i think He approves? but that might be pompous of me to assume, so we'll just hope for the best. It was better than i expected, and my mind is crazy and has a rediculous imagination.

this is so new to me....i'm so scared that i'm gonna screw it up.....God is my wingman? is that heresy? i'll ask dan.
Lunch with Bob and Caitlin tomorrow!!..and maybe crazy Chris?

Dear Internet

Life is SO good.
Also, i'm not going to school next semester. That sucks, and my mother has decided to halfway ground me? i have a cerfew and a time to get up... but ya know? i'm really okay with this.
August 15 is going to be the best day ever, b/c that's the day that my brother starts to have a real adult life at the age of 22 and that's when a bunch of wonderful girls move into an appartment on Pickens Street.
Hopefully i'll get enough hours at the bean that i wont need to get another job, b/c really, i don't know when i'd have time to.
BoomgoLife!.....it happens.

It's all gonna be alright.

So, i'm sitting at work, listening to the new coldplay, and my day is offically amazing.
I'm stressin about school, trying to decide if I should go back this semester or just do spring and summer, so please whoever reads this, pray that i get some direction in that, to quote a friend "Gideon-like" signs would be appreciated.
I'm trying really really hard to have my heart align with God's. Maybe i'm being a little ambitious about this, but i really just can't continue wanting the things that I am, b/c i feel like i'm breaking His heart everytime. I need to want what He wants for me. I'm going about this, by praying a lot, reading my bible, and trying to just focus my life on Him and living in the ways that He told me to. Wish me luck.
God, i ask that you give me wisdom and the strength to follow through with the decisions you want me to make. Please shut the doors that are not of your path, and open the ones that I'm suppose to walk through.
I'm so on my game today also, i've been really sociable with coustomers, it's fun!

It's not too late, but it might be soon.

Some one can only hurt you so much before you quit. we can only take so much, I can forgive until i die, but forgiving does not mean throwing myself under a proverbial bus of hurtful comments and actions that no one ever takes resposibity for.
You eventually need to hear an appology, or at the very least, some sort of somthing that lets you know they care about how you feel or that you are a priority at all in their life.

Lord, please give me grace, wisdom, and strength to do your will and act how you would have.

if dorian gray could sing...

Write your rhyming verse,
And your catchy chours,
Think of some witty bridge,
and sing your song to them.

Are you satisfied?
Singing hollow words
To a deaf and dumb crowd?

You make it seem so easy
How you gracefully ingore
Your blessings and your gifts
And always ask for more.

You glorify yourself,
And every pretty girl.

So go and sing your song
Let arogance prevail.
Lets hope your aryan beliefs
Don't sing you straight to hell.

Coffee

i need it.
i'm good on caffine, i want coffee though.
i want that bitter taste im my mouth, i want to drink cups full of black kenyan AA coffee.

don't let them see you cry....

I feel like today has lasted for a life time. i've been drugged up, disapointed, patronized, uplifted, put down, self-depricating, joyful, and given the cold shoulder all in a 20 hour period.

I'm worried about my bestfriend, i know she'll always be there for me, but will she always let me be there for her? b/c to me, the latter is much more important.
i'm tired and can't sleep
i haven't had a real conversation in atleast two days. i feel like God is so disapointed in me, i might just die from this conviction.
I figured out that i 'm emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship, but not spiritually.
My heart isn't in the right place. It's with God, as always, but our desires aren't matching up, and i don't know how to make that happen.
i'm lonely...it's been so long since i've been truly lonely, but i feel like even God isn't willing to listen to me. Everyone i talk to just says "you'll be on your way home saturday, that's not very far" but to me, it's 5 more days without my friends, it's 5 more days before i'm back in my comfort zone....i wrote saturday in my journal that i wouldn't let my desire to work for the Kingdom be deminished just because i was taken out of that zone, but i can't keep with that. I feel dry, i feel lost, and i feel like i'm alone. i just wanna be home.
I'm so not ready...this is a simple challenge, but it's one i'm failing at. I need help, i need encouragement, but neither of those are likely to come. i just want someone my age-ish, who loves God and is in love with God, to talk to face to face.
this is my fault, i need to fix it, i need to get right with Him.
I'm weak, i'm breaking. God help me.
i'll make it, it's really not that bad, others have it much worse. difference is not bad, loneliness wont crush me, i'll be okay. despite the lack of help or support, or even conversation. I have God, time to let Him have me.

once again.

I'm searching for a friend for the end of the world.
and i pray for her on a regular basis now, or i'm starting to atleast.
but i'm hung up, i'm afraid, not of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. i can deal with my own pain, i can stand on my own in a storm of rejection, but i can't breath in the presence of someone else hurting because of me. and i mean, really, because of me, a decision I made, something I said. I can't hurt people, and it scares me to.
also can't even think about having anything serious right now, but i'm not suppose to date unless it's for marrige right? i'm just wasting my time otherwise...so i've been told at least. i don't know how to deal with all of this. Is it worth the pain? Is that 7 months, that 16 weeks, that year, worth the pain when it ends? as for my experiences with it, no, but then again, i was in really bad circumstances then. will it be different with a girl?
am i right to be scared? will this fear cause me to be alone forever? i'm already asking a lot of her, to accept me and my past, is it fair to ask her to break through my fear too, when she probably has her own also?
Do you ever feel good enough for the person you love?
so many questions...and no one to ask..
Guess i'll turn to God with them,...it'd be nice if He sent me someone though, i'll pray for that too.
*-.~._+.~*_-`-~*
So, i prayed, and i'm better.
still scared, still need someone to mentor me, but i'm better, at least, i feel better about said things. I'm alone in my cousins' house, and i just started worshiping and it was amazing and intense, and then i spilled something so i cleaned it up, and then i prayed, and it was amazing and intense and so deeply satisfying i feel like i'll never have to drink or eat again. I feel so content. My life is really in all actuality His life, and His life is never gonna go wrong so i have nothing to worry about and everything is gonna be peachy and golden and beautiful and yellow.
God is good.

Simpler

i've decided that i want to live a simpler life, i'd like to live a much simpler life when i move out b/c i can't really do this while i'm here.
to help me with this i made a list of things that i don't want when i move into my own place.
maybe this can help you too.
*TV
*Microwave
*More than one computer
*Phone line
*Coffee maker (i'd rather have a french press)
*Digital clocks (anywhere, at all, in any house i live in. i will never foreget how to read a analog clock again)
*Dish set for more than five people
*Any mirrors outside of my bathroom
*Blender (cocktails are better dry!, kidding...sorta)
Feel free to ad anything to this list that you can think of that i don't need to live.
I think i'm gonna break down and read irresistable revolution, Shane Claiborne's book, too. I think it might give me more ideas and help motivate me for this some more.