why I felt like a burden.

Friday night/saturday morning I got in another wreck. I got t-boned b/c I pulled out infront of a car. It was retarded, my fault, and is going to cost everyone a lot of money. Any one know how many points you get on your licence before it gets taken away?
So, I'm pulling out of the Wired Bean parking lot, I check left right and left again, the light was red. I looked behind me to make sure a friend was going to be following me to IHOP for coffe, he was. I glanced left again(stupid of me, b/c i didn't look well enough) and it was really really foggy, therefore I didn't see that the light had turned green or that there was an SUV going about 45 comeing straight at me. I let off the break and look and saw said SUV heading straight towards me, as in my self, body, not just car. They swerved I slamed on my breaks, and both of our cars slid. mine slid foward, theirs slid into mine. It tore my bumper off, bent my hood and my grill busted my radiator and i couldn't park my car. They got by with much less damage. They also had a baby in the car. It's going to cost me a 250 deductable about 200 dollars in towing, and will make my insurance go over 2400 a year. also another 2 points on my licence. And thats if they don't show up to court. Therefore I feel bad b/c i A: could have been seriously hurt and B: am costing my parents and myself a lot of money. 5 points for me right?
I feel a lot better than i did three days ago, but it's still got me a little down. Just pray that I can deal with this.
I love all of you.

Operating in structions for the Manual You gave us please.

Pursuance:1. The act of pursuing or prosecuting; a following out or after.
Pursue: 4. to proceed in accordance with
wow.
So i need to proceed in accordance with You.
hm...ie. obey. ie. get over myself.
Okay..I can do this....I can do this.....
Can't I? Yes! yes I can, but will I?
well, I've got to decide that for myself don't I?
Take It up daily. Pursue, choose, live, obey. daily.
here we go.

Take it in.

No matter how many people's lives it ruins, it just wont stop will it?
Am I actually damned to having people around me who I have to watch deteriorate due to smoking pot?
I seriously thought it would stop after highschool. I was very wrong. We deserve better than this, they deserve better. If only they could see it....
So take another hit boy,
Take it in, take it in.

It's 2 am and we still have much to discuss

Sitting on the porch, I asked God to guide the conversation. One simple request that I used to utter daily, every I talked with someone. One I haven't asked in months. Hours later, we were both elated and I felt as if I was walking into the front door to my childhood home with a brother in tow. We discussed our hard hearts, we discussed our selfishness, bitterness, our stupidity in wondering where God was and if it was all worth it. Of course, He was with us, and it's worth more than we deserve. I was given discernment and was spoken through, and on the ride home, I rejoiced like I had never experienced. I gave glory to God, yelled screamed and cried my love and thankfulness.
I am home, I am home.
Thank You God, You have brought us home.

tssskt tsssskt tssssskt

What's that I hear, Iron Sharpening Iron? Oh YEAH!
Lord, I cannot, shall not escape you. You have brought me home, and your prodigal son repents.
Love is a word I cannot fathom when it is in reference to You.
Thank You for that God.
Thank You, Thank You
Thank You.
You have brought Your children home.

Proverbs 27:17

I am not sharpening, nor do I feel I am being sharpened. I really hadn't been looking for either up until this moment, but now I realize how dull I've grown. I guess that happens when you beat your head against a wall..which is essentially what i've been doing.
I pray that this break will bring a renewing of sorts, or at the very least a brokenness that leads a desire for God to take control back.
more later....

broken broken broken broken

Fix me.

Can I actually ask this? Is this what I seek? Is this the door I want to knock on? I ask these questions not because I don't know if He'll be okay with it, but because I don't know if it's what I want. Before I do ask for God to fix me, I have to be able to answer all of those questions with a resounding YES!

I know that I will be answered, I will find, and that door WILL open. If I don't want those things, than it's wasted breathe and dishonesty.

Love love love love LOVE.

I need to be sure and willing. My heart has to be asking louder than my brain or mouth.

I think it is.

Where are we?

what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

So, yesterday started great. I cleaned my room, lounged a bit, ate, left and got my hair cut.
I was going to go see Grayson and Mel, hear some new songs and such, it felt like it was gonna be a really fun great day.
Then I rear ended a car.
I luckly swerved so the side panels got almost all the damage, and only two pieces on each car will need to be replaced, both relativly small, but sill over a thousand dollars in damages. I'm fine, so are the other people, they were even really nice. Their car is driveable, mine isn't. I got a ticket but the really nice cop said that they prob. wouldn't show up to court, so the charge+points+fine will be dropped. Let's pray that this happens.
I'm also sick. Woo.
I'm freaking tired of 08, and can't wait for it to be over, but this is my fault, not the year's, not God's, not anyone's but mine. Life sucks and then you die, Heaven is hopefully the next part in that sequence.
I wish i could listen to Imogen Heap tonight. it would help me sleep a lot.
<3 size="2">spin me round again
and rub my eyes,this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

Eventually

I'll come back.
I'll remember Truth, Joy, Happiness.
Actually, I'll feel them again. I remember them clearly, it's what keeps me going.
Lord, Lord, bend my knee to You. Soften my Heart, b/c I haven't been obeying, and it's getting hardened more and more every day. I need You to start chiping away at it.
But, alas, I am still thankful, I am glad, and these things are of You, King. You're not going anywhere, I know, but I'm still eager to get back to You. My heart aches in Your direction and my steps are leading me toward You. I'll turn my face to You, soon and very soon.

Cold

I need to be cold.

Cold=Clarity for me. I have no clue why that is, but I need clarity bad.

I feel like I'm foggy, like my life is foggy, and it is, it's foggy and dirty with sin, my sin that I am commiting and need to stop.

I need spiritual windex...anyone got some of that? I'll prob just have to make it myself.

satan my be tempting me, but I am following, he may be stealin my joy, but I am letting him.

Yet He is greater, and gives me joy, and delivers me...but only if I let Him, if I want Him too.

Lesson of the day: Want God to save me.

Easy...right?

Nope, but I'll get there.

I use to love this town

I use to play with both feet on the ground

There's a friend of mine who deals with grace rather poorly. As in that he can't really accept it, from God or others.
This friend has also taught me more about grace than almost any other person I know. He's taught me how to use grace, how to have grace with others, particularly because I've had to use a lot of grace with him, but regardless I've learned more from him than he'll ever guess. Unless I tell him, and I might.
It's funny how the people in your life who lack in thses kinds of things can teach you the most.

Now, if I could just slow myself down enough to have some time with God. I feel like I'm constantly moving and thinking and stressing. I need to sit outside, on my porch while it's raining and just, give in to Him, let my dams be washed away and my heart be clensed.
I desperately need to recognize my mess, realize that I am still a broken person, and I still go to a church for people like me. A free flowing water-like church.

Accept, release, live rejoice.

Happy Halloween?

Bah.

i'm a blog flake, but i'm not the only one so we're good.

I've frankly been too busy to read or write any.
I've found some verses that I love and think really apply to me, Ecclesiasties 11:9-10

Go read them, astounding..if you're a young man. like myself.

Also, somthing was revealed to me last night, either by God (most likely) or my common sense (not so likely) but I don't want to be one to assume. Regardless it's good.

Satan Hates me.

And that's basically it. But I'll elaborate.

he wants to see me unhappy, sad, and defeated. Any road or path that I am led down by him is directly away from God, and not only that, but all that I love or that makes me happy and brings lasting Joy into my life. I realized that this is a simple thought and one I should have grasp much earlier on in my faith, especially how much the southern baptist dogma was beat into me as a young christian. But it didn't really strike me until last night. Satan is not just wanting me to have a good time, and not listen to God, it's not that plain or simple. he wants me to fall away from God, love, happiness. It's not that he just doesn't want me to win, to end up in heaven, he wants me to lose. Wants me to fall in to utter darkness and un-truth, to lose my sense of self and morality and forget what joy ever was. I am hated by him because I am Man, I am part of God's chosen creation, made in His image, and loved unfailingly and allowed redemption.

I am Denton, a Child of God, a Son of God, a status that was ascribed by Grace and Mercy, that cannot be taken away.

This made sin seem even less tempting, made my temptations seem more like traps. I thank God that I was shown this.

Purity is not restricting, it is more freeing than anything else.

It's one...i just woke up.

Up hill battle isn't quite right...it's like i'm running up hill, and i just keep picking up the biggest rocks and tying them to myself.
And i really just need to kick myself in the ass...

I've been catchin all your ghost for every season

I pray to God that you wont come back here any more.

Do you pray with Him too?

I will never understand what Love truly is, beyond that it is God, or rather that He is it. It is because of that fact that I believe I'll never truly, fully understand it. If I did, if I was able to, than it would be to know what/who God is. It would be to understand God. A god you understand is not a god. So is a love that you understand not love? or just not unconditional love. Becuase i don't think i'll ever beable to understand unconditional love, because it's not really somthing i'm good at.

That being said, I think i'm begining to understand it enough to love myself.

I wish that I had known you were bleeding

While I sat and watched you reading with the Lord

I read with Him, too.

Perfect Love for a beloved child.

So, on another blog, my friend referenced God calling her name. Saying that He would call her Beloved, and Child.

I pray that You call me that some day. Lord, I want to run, fly, into You. I want to hear you call Your church Beloved. I want You to call me Child.
I, more so, want to feel worthy of that name.

You take care, You answer when I ask, You show me when I seek.

we're yelling, "someone's got the answers,

but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found

I've had almost a week with out my parents..i've gone places, i've hung out, and i still was responsible...
I'm 19, it's not a suprise to me that i can do these things, nor is it a suprise to them. So why do i still have to spend so much time at my house?
They're one their way back right now, and i have mixed feelings. I miss them, so i'm glad i'll get to see them..but i know that after they're here i'm going to miss my freedom.
Bah.
oh well...we'll just see how it goes.
I hung out with a really astounding girl named Whitney for like 10 hours yesterday. she's really awesome. We talked for four hours and barely noticed it. I'm getting to realize just how amazing my church/family is. I'm looking forward to more of this.
Thank you God. Thank you for giving me these people.

because if seeing is believing,then believe that we have lost our eyes

I could run away

and You'd never leave
You'll always be
Right by my side
Right by my side
Right by my side

I've been running, in the figurative sense. Running away from responsibility, from commitments, from God. I've wanted intimacy that i could physically feel. I wanted to be close to someone, to hear someone tell me how wonderful i was and that i satisfied them. I didn't want to have to say it back. I didn't want someone to be close to, i wanted someone to be close to me. Why? I don't know. In trying to control my Pride and tendency to judge people i lost track of my selfishness. It got pretty bad, and i started feeling horrible about it because i had people telling me what a great job i was doing at Shack and that I've grown so much. And I have, I know I have and I can tell, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt like crap upon hearing these things because I knew where I was in my heart and walk with God, which was running for the fastest physical comfort...fortunately I have a Gracious God who is slow to anger and so so so good to me. Unfortunately however, I didn't want that. I never found that comfort, so I kept running...No I didn't completely run off the path, I didn't even run back down to where I came from..I basically just ran in place. Did I completely screw up? No, did i try my hardest too? Yes.
I realized all of this last night around...say...4 in the morning. And I'm sorry...who am I apologizing to? No idea, I guess you if I've been anything less than the face of Christ to you. To God also..but Him and I have talked that out already.
This is where I'm at, this is why I've been so silent on here, and now I move on. And pick up Blue Like Jazz again.

Everything I've ever wanted,
I have found in You.

You are the Light of the World.

What is family?

There are some people that you'll always forgive. a million times. usually these people are family, but every now and then you find someone who isn't.
I have found one of these people in my life. No matter how much it hurts me to care and love for this person. I feel like i'll die from this forgivness, like this grace is hurting me more than anything. Because as much as i know that i'm suppose to forgive and practice grace, i'd love nothing more than to just scream, to cry, and to force them to feel everything they'd ever made me feel.
The love, the pain, the anger, and freedom. If anything so that they would completely understand how much i love them. that i'd rather die from this, have my heart literally broken, than see them alone, or go down the path they are on.
I need prayer now more than i've needed it in a while. so those of you who read this, please pray for me to have strength and grace and courage. Because i have to get through this, i have to beable to DO something, if i don't, or can't, i'm not sure how i'm going to stay sane.

I'll prove you wrong, I'll prove myself wrong

I almost have worship actually in the bag.
I walked/jogged for 30 minutes today, due to lack in time.
I'm hanging out with my bestfriend.
God is making me enough, He's giving me what I need to do what I have to.
I lost faith in Him and His ability to do that,...and then i got stressed out...huh, wonder why?
God is using me, I think. If i'm right about this, i could be saving a friend from a lot of heart ache.
I have to get over myself in some areas, and realize that i can't take people that i love away to a safe place and shelter them forever, even if its from themselves.
I'm think i'm gonna go pray now, or worship,..i need more of both of those things in my life right now.

Challenge

I miss challenge, i miss pushing my self. I don't know my limits these days because it's been so long since i've reached them, my physical limits and my emotional, i need to go hiking again. I freaking hiked 26 miles when i was not quite 16. 3 years later, i can't walk 2 miles, i don't know if i can do more than 20 sit ups or pushups, and i haven't had to prove myself to anyone. Well, now i have to prove myself to myself. I will not get lax just because i'm not being made to do shit. Also, i did get challenged-ish this weekend, reguarding my...commitment to my possition at the shack.
In the most christian way possible to say this, I'm going to meet that challenge.
We have a concentration in community service, we're helping other churches in columbia. I'm excited about this, because i believe that before we can really make an impact as a Christian body in Columbia, we have to be one. We cannot act as the body of Christ when we don't know eachother and don't know how to interact when the other parts of that body.
I'm also going to get some weights, so i think i might start pushing my physical limits too, that along with walking and jogging and eventually running, might get me in some sort of shape.
This is my promise to myself. Because i dont' have many people doubting me, i don't have to show them up, now I have people believeing in me, so i have to live up to what they expect. I'm more than ready for that.

123realifeomgz

monday: Realizations about a friendship of mine, contact made with Daybreak CPC, Council Meeting, Guys Group (hour and a half on 2 verses and prayer).
tuesday: Wake up 5:30 AM, Great day at work, Meet my new bff justin white, Maybe he'll come to Shack, Go home, Go to Cola, Meet with Daybreak Ladies and Becky, House church (freaking amazing, i missed it sooo much.
Wednesday: wake up, not so good day at work, go home, chill, paint room (looks amazing cant wait for it)
Thursday: wake up after 5 hours of non-rest, Great day at work, see best friend, go home, see other bestfriend, go to lunch-she gets her hair cut, come home sleep, shower, present time.
It's been a hell of a week, but i've felt so good and accomplished. I like my life right now, i'm stressed to my limits, but i know i'll get through.

I have a lot to pray about, pray with me?
Shack-Direction leadership sponser
Wired Bean-that i can wake up and take pride in my job and have a good work ethic
Friends-The Devil and The Lion guys and getting there lives in order, Friends relationships/hearts/walks with God, Missing my friends that have moved away.
Me-Stress, Constitution, Focus, Becomeing a Man of God.
Thanks.

Late nights, tattoos, and good rides.

My bestfriend and I both aproach our religion in different ways, and i didn't really get that until tonight. I guess I just kind of assumed that since we are so close and so much alike and we came into our faith majorly together, that we'd woship and believe the same way. But we don't. And it's really not that important for us too, she believes and worships the same God as me, but she just doesn't do those things the same way as i do, and i can deffinitely accept that. I guess i'm more "spiritual" by that i mean more charismatic than her, not that i'm very charismatic at all, haha. And she's a good bit more literal than i am about my faith, and it's good, b/c she tends to grasp concepts of theology a lot faster and completely than i do. it's a good balance. I love her and all that she is and i'm so glad that i have her and her ways to balance mine out.
Also! God loves republicans. And by that i mean He loves republican senetors and corporate CEOs and jerk-wad cops in Lexington County as much as He loves prostitutes and the homeless and drug addicts and homosexuals. What i really mean by this is, that today i figured out that I should love these people as much as the other. And should be trying just as hard to reach out and help them and rescue them, with an honest smile on my face and joy in my heart.
In one day i realized two faults in my Faith and plan to fix both of them. I Serve a loving and time efficient God.

Are you still considered a slave if you volenteer for it?

A lot has happened this past weekend.
My brother offically doesn't live in my house, or this state anymore. He lives in savannah with his wife and their cat, Doc, and their really great appartment. I'm sad that i'm basically only gonna see him once a month for a while, but i mean, i guess that's what growing up is like. I'm more worried about my mom and how she's gonna deal with it. I think she'll pull through fine, but there are bound to be some hard spots.
And then Shack last night...SO amazing. Laura did an amazing job on worship and i'm excited to see her grow and progress in her role as Worship Leader at the Shack. I love my church, so much, and i love all of the people in it. They're astounding and the reason i get throught my life. I've grown there so much and i'm still growing. I get what i need from that church like i never have before.
I was really inspired by what was taught on last night, and i really do intend to help more in my community. It's kind of my job now. I have faith that God will guide me and help me with this too. I'm excited, are you?

fall is being ushered in

Autumn comes in the form of the first night where it is below 70 degrees when i'm driving home from work.
It made me smile. I feel like i should have been more gracious of the sumer, i should have praised God for it, but i was never in the mood? it was just hot and i was usually bothered about somthing. But now fall brings with it a great year.
I decided tonight to stop being bitter about this summer not being like last summer. I was blessed to have last summer and i was blessed this summer, just in different ways.
I got real upset tonight, and but then hayley and I took a second, and we realized that we'd had a really good night and just started enjoying each other's company. She once again was there when i needed her. She's never really failed me with that. It's gonna be hard with her leaving, but we'll be fine, we have phones and such. I'll still be able to call when i need a level head.
I'm letting the past be just that, and looking toward a great year ahead of me, and just enjoying my present. So, speaking of that, i'm gonna go on her dock and smoke with her.
God, thank you. for her, for this, for summer, for fall.

And here we go again.

I had another dream involving boys.
I was at a camp, and I met two guys...TWO of them,...really? blew one off, and chased after the other one, we got to know eachother, i ended up helping him through somthing, and in my dream i thought he was solidly in to guys, then i find out that he's just starting to figure this stuff out...
Did you know God could kick you in the face in your dreams...b/c He can and He did. I felt like crap, i could have been a testimony to this guy, i could have helped him, explained to him what this was,.....and i screwed that up.
I wont, i can't do this in real life. If this scene ever pops up in real life, i hope, i pray that i'll never be so selfish. I hate that i have these dreams, it's really not fair. But maybe one day they'll stop? or at the very least i'll have the will power during the day to keep me safe at night?

But i can't live in the future, i can't wait for that life to start. I have to make it start, i have to live now, and make it the best now i can. Because Now is going to determine my future.

Living is the hard part.

I feel like if i was character in Blue Like Jazz, i would be Andrew the protester. I'm not nearly as rediculous as him, but i have said many of the things that he says in that book...on my own. the one i agree most with is that dying for God is easy. Of course i'd die for God, getting shot because i believe in Him or refuse to not worship Him would not be the hardest part. Absolutely no offence to those who have died for God, i respect those people greatly, b/c that kind of faith is somthing to be respected. But for me personally, It's LIVING for God that is causing me problems, and is hard and is not as easy to follow through on. When you're 15 and wear some stupid t-shirt that claims that you would die for God because He died for you, that's practically non-commital. I mean, how many chances in your life are you really gonna have to decide if you're going to die for Him. I feel like this sounds harsher than i mean it to,....i simply mean to say that i am not called to die for Him, but to Live and Love for Him, and that's HARD, and i need help with it. I need accountability and guidance and a mentor and a firm churchfamily/supportgroup/suckychristiansanonymousgroup. and i have the last one, it's called the Shack....you should check it out.

Blue Like Jazz

So, i've been reading blue like jazz here and there and never really more than two days in a row and really only at work, so last night i went to the wired bean while i wasn't working and read and really comprehended what Donald Miller was saying. Oouch. It left me wanting to Love God and to accept His Love and Grace and to be Obedient, and to really commit my life to Him, and i realized after that, that i thought i'd already done all those things. And i've Loved God for a while, but letting Him love ME was a different story. It's always been hard for me to let people Love me, because honestly it didn't happen to me outside of my own immediate family until i was about 13. I didn't really get freinds until then, i didn't want them, i didn't want anything to do with anyone really. So letting God love me is not an easy thing for me to do, but i'm working on it, i'm allowing Him to have Grace with me and Forgive me, while asking Him to help me do the same to myself.
Having the desire to commit my life to God did not neccessarily mean i did......Ps, that's like getting married and after four or five years you've realized that you had the intentions of being commited, but didn't ever really....... So i'm changing that too. If i'm going to serve my church and my community and my family and my work place, i need to be commited to and in love with God. that is, if i want to do it correctly and from all the right places..which i do.
Also, i need to look more into/pay attention to social justice, or lack there of in our world. I haven't decided if this is just because my church/some of my bestfriends are quite concerned with it, or if it's just somthing i feel the need to do. But either way, i feel that it's important to me to know at least a little bit of what's going on in the world outside of Columbia.
i feel like bubbles of my myself are rising to the surface.....like eventually i'll actually be me, the me that has a heart lined up with God's.

SHAAAAACK

Shack council meeting was last night. amazing. I'm really excited about this year, and what's gonna be done with The Shack. I pray that we do get a good bit of new comers, i'm also a little nervous about having these responsibilities, but i'm also glad to have time. i'm glad to be really serving the Shack. We also need a freshmen housechurch and i really really really want that to be started up, b/c Rio helped me in an amazing amout of ways last year.
We'll see.
This is going to be a good year.
Funny that this "year" is starting in the fall, haha school really screws your schedule up.

I'm dealing with some pride, but in small personal ways, and it's kind of leading into judgment issues which i really don't want to have. So i just need some help with that.
I'm doing better in gerneral though. i'm glad to have a schedule to my life again. It gets frustrating, but it helps me be productive and i'm bad at making one myself.

so.

So, i should have listened.
i should have listened to God and to my Bestfriend.
I didn't wanna do this, i didn't want for this to happen, but something like it would have happened eventually, b/c i just couldn't...not as much.
Why can't i want a serious relationship, how can't i be ready? why couldn't i like her as much as she liked me?
This was stuipd and unnecessary, and if it is how i feel, so it isn't petty, it still feels like i behaved like someone much younger than i'd like to appear to be.
How could i ask the questions and not listen to the answer, want guidance and then refuse it b/c it wasn't what i wanted.
I wanted this, i really really wanted this, there is no reason for me not to. There's also no reason for me to not be ready for it, b/c i wanted it that much. but i'm not, and there are parts of my life i can't neglect b/c of somthing i want.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Hah.

I'm a douche bag who has childish tendencies.
more on this later.

i'll never think of menthe the same again.
or pecks on the cheek.
I'll never forget,
and you held my hands.

I was so nervous, but God calmed me down...i think He approves? but that might be pompous of me to assume, so we'll just hope for the best. It was better than i expected, and my mind is crazy and has a rediculous imagination.

this is so new to me....i'm so scared that i'm gonna screw it up.....God is my wingman? is that heresy? i'll ask dan.
Lunch with Bob and Caitlin tomorrow!!..and maybe crazy Chris?

Dear Internet

Life is SO good.
Also, i'm not going to school next semester. That sucks, and my mother has decided to halfway ground me? i have a cerfew and a time to get up... but ya know? i'm really okay with this.
August 15 is going to be the best day ever, b/c that's the day that my brother starts to have a real adult life at the age of 22 and that's when a bunch of wonderful girls move into an appartment on Pickens Street.
Hopefully i'll get enough hours at the bean that i wont need to get another job, b/c really, i don't know when i'd have time to.
BoomgoLife!.....it happens.

It's all gonna be alright.

So, i'm sitting at work, listening to the new coldplay, and my day is offically amazing.
I'm stressin about school, trying to decide if I should go back this semester or just do spring and summer, so please whoever reads this, pray that i get some direction in that, to quote a friend "Gideon-like" signs would be appreciated.
I'm trying really really hard to have my heart align with God's. Maybe i'm being a little ambitious about this, but i really just can't continue wanting the things that I am, b/c i feel like i'm breaking His heart everytime. I need to want what He wants for me. I'm going about this, by praying a lot, reading my bible, and trying to just focus my life on Him and living in the ways that He told me to. Wish me luck.
God, i ask that you give me wisdom and the strength to follow through with the decisions you want me to make. Please shut the doors that are not of your path, and open the ones that I'm suppose to walk through.
I'm so on my game today also, i've been really sociable with coustomers, it's fun!

It's not too late, but it might be soon.

Some one can only hurt you so much before you quit. we can only take so much, I can forgive until i die, but forgiving does not mean throwing myself under a proverbial bus of hurtful comments and actions that no one ever takes resposibity for.
You eventually need to hear an appology, or at the very least, some sort of somthing that lets you know they care about how you feel or that you are a priority at all in their life.

Lord, please give me grace, wisdom, and strength to do your will and act how you would have.

if dorian gray could sing...

Write your rhyming verse,
And your catchy chours,
Think of some witty bridge,
and sing your song to them.

Are you satisfied?
Singing hollow words
To a deaf and dumb crowd?

You make it seem so easy
How you gracefully ingore
Your blessings and your gifts
And always ask for more.

You glorify yourself,
And every pretty girl.

So go and sing your song
Let arogance prevail.
Lets hope your aryan beliefs
Don't sing you straight to hell.

Coffee

i need it.
i'm good on caffine, i want coffee though.
i want that bitter taste im my mouth, i want to drink cups full of black kenyan AA coffee.

don't let them see you cry....

I feel like today has lasted for a life time. i've been drugged up, disapointed, patronized, uplifted, put down, self-depricating, joyful, and given the cold shoulder all in a 20 hour period.

I'm worried about my bestfriend, i know she'll always be there for me, but will she always let me be there for her? b/c to me, the latter is much more important.
i'm tired and can't sleep
i haven't had a real conversation in atleast two days. i feel like God is so disapointed in me, i might just die from this conviction.
I figured out that i 'm emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship, but not spiritually.
My heart isn't in the right place. It's with God, as always, but our desires aren't matching up, and i don't know how to make that happen.
i'm lonely...it's been so long since i've been truly lonely, but i feel like even God isn't willing to listen to me. Everyone i talk to just says "you'll be on your way home saturday, that's not very far" but to me, it's 5 more days without my friends, it's 5 more days before i'm back in my comfort zone....i wrote saturday in my journal that i wouldn't let my desire to work for the Kingdom be deminished just because i was taken out of that zone, but i can't keep with that. I feel dry, i feel lost, and i feel like i'm alone. i just wanna be home.
I'm so not ready...this is a simple challenge, but it's one i'm failing at. I need help, i need encouragement, but neither of those are likely to come. i just want someone my age-ish, who loves God and is in love with God, to talk to face to face.
this is my fault, i need to fix it, i need to get right with Him.
I'm weak, i'm breaking. God help me.
i'll make it, it's really not that bad, others have it much worse. difference is not bad, loneliness wont crush me, i'll be okay. despite the lack of help or support, or even conversation. I have God, time to let Him have me.

once again.

I'm searching for a friend for the end of the world.
and i pray for her on a regular basis now, or i'm starting to atleast.
but i'm hung up, i'm afraid, not of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. i can deal with my own pain, i can stand on my own in a storm of rejection, but i can't breath in the presence of someone else hurting because of me. and i mean, really, because of me, a decision I made, something I said. I can't hurt people, and it scares me to.
also can't even think about having anything serious right now, but i'm not suppose to date unless it's for marrige right? i'm just wasting my time otherwise...so i've been told at least. i don't know how to deal with all of this. Is it worth the pain? Is that 7 months, that 16 weeks, that year, worth the pain when it ends? as for my experiences with it, no, but then again, i was in really bad circumstances then. will it be different with a girl?
am i right to be scared? will this fear cause me to be alone forever? i'm already asking a lot of her, to accept me and my past, is it fair to ask her to break through my fear too, when she probably has her own also?
Do you ever feel good enough for the person you love?
so many questions...and no one to ask..
Guess i'll turn to God with them,...it'd be nice if He sent me someone though, i'll pray for that too.
*-.~._+.~*_-`-~*
So, i prayed, and i'm better.
still scared, still need someone to mentor me, but i'm better, at least, i feel better about said things. I'm alone in my cousins' house, and i just started worshiping and it was amazing and intense, and then i spilled something so i cleaned it up, and then i prayed, and it was amazing and intense and so deeply satisfying i feel like i'll never have to drink or eat again. I feel so content. My life is really in all actuality His life, and His life is never gonna go wrong so i have nothing to worry about and everything is gonna be peachy and golden and beautiful and yellow.
God is good.

Simpler

i've decided that i want to live a simpler life, i'd like to live a much simpler life when i move out b/c i can't really do this while i'm here.
to help me with this i made a list of things that i don't want when i move into my own place.
maybe this can help you too.
*TV
*Microwave
*More than one computer
*Phone line
*Coffee maker (i'd rather have a french press)
*Digital clocks (anywhere, at all, in any house i live in. i will never foreget how to read a analog clock again)
*Dish set for more than five people
*Any mirrors outside of my bathroom
*Blender (cocktails are better dry!, kidding...sorta)
Feel free to ad anything to this list that you can think of that i don't need to live.
I think i'm gonna break down and read irresistable revolution, Shane Claiborne's book, too. I think it might give me more ideas and help motivate me for this some more.

if i was a Venters.

If i could write songs, i'd write you one to tell you how much you mean to all of us and about how you've made this bed and you've dug this grave. It'd talk about how you could have helped all of this, could have hurt a lot less people. I'd sing lines about forgivness and grace and about how you eventually do have to realize that your life isn't that bad. that you have a great family and an amazing little brother who looks up to you, and you live in a great town in a house with a pool, your parents understand you and i might also mention that you have a running car and how that puts you in the top 8 percent of the world.
i would probably call it Ignoring Blessings.
it would most likely be in a minor key. a harmonica would be used, and i'd end with some line about how i wish you wouldn't try so hard to push us away, because pulling you back is getting really hard.

consider this my EP.

dear Friend
You come around this town
You call home
Say you'd move here if you could
And i never doubt that you would
But can i ask this small favor?
Just leave us alone.

You bring out the worst in us
You encourage our stupidity
And we all enable your
Self-imposed celebrity.

You say you hate rligion
But worship instead
The gods of pride and sex
That are all in your head.

Indulgences with out penance
Has split the church once,
It'll split this family just the same.

a cry a plea a scream

God help us.
Our hearts are breaking and burning for You just as our lungs burn for the oxygen we deprive them of with our cigarettes. Our souls are crying out, we need you to bare our loads, b/c our shoulders are so small and so weak. and we are failing to sharpen eachother, but we're trying, and getting better all the time, but i feel like we are so much more eachothers cigarette, depriving the other of You, even though You are what we really crave and what we need to breath and what our brain needs to function without agitation. You are what is missing and You are the one who we need to be our Hero and our Saviour. We try to carry eachother on our own and we keep on droping one another, and eventually we're all just gonna break because of our pride.
We need to be Torches Together and we need to be eachothers iron, and You, God are the only one who can make this happen. So this i give to You. Help us and Guide us and give us strength and wisdom and just carry us on Your shoulders. This burden is too much, please God, just take it away.
this i pray with faith.

ow

1 Verse
My heart crumbling
Pieces everywhere
My view of selflessness changed.

Romans 9:3.

Read it.
Imagine it, feel your heart break.
Re-evaluate your self and how much you care.

Shack was great tonight.
MidTown was amazing, but i think it's too big for me. I like my organic worship and discussions.

Wub wub wub to my friends.
<3

Lord you see my cavities.

You know my valleys and my weaknesses and You guide me and hold me up and carry me through all of it.
I almost went clubing tonight..bad idea for me, i instead had to work and working made me at the old mill where a friend needed me, and working also had a friend stop by who helped my other friend also. This all resulted in me and friend #2 going to columbia for awesome conversation and hookah. I also might buy a hookah..woot.
God, You love and carry me and all you ask me to do is to Love, to Serve, and to Obey. I'll try my best.
<3
wub wub wub to You.

Man of God

I'm still trying to figure out how to do this, how to become a Man of God.
I've made progress, but it's been slow, which is good. I have a new mantra of sorts, and it's helped. Love, Serve, Obey. Love God and my fellow people, Serve God and serve Him by serving others, and Obey what God has commanded. Sounds pretty simple right....and it's actually not that bad. i mean, it's not easy, but life isn't easy. So anyways, this new outlook is helping me.
God will never stop delivering for me. I don't even know if i have been asking for help, but i've been getting it, so i'm really glad.
I have also decided that i'm going to get a lot more serious about my commitments to God. Going through a week with younger kids to keep me accountable taught me a lot. Like how i have to repress saying "that's what she said" far more than i should, i mean, can i really not have a conversation without my mind reverting to sex....even during the first and maybe the second chaple services i had to keep myself in major check with that crap. So i'm working on clearing up my heart and my mind in hopes of becoming a better Man of God. I WILL be one of the guys who makes my friends that i girls highten their standards. I want to beable to lead younger kids with a good and clean heart, and give them something to help them realize you can be Clean and Good and still have fun.
Lord, Father of all, please help me in this, help me become a better child to You and a better image to them.

Love Serve Obey

That's Love

I've been on my knees for you,
In the night i weep with you,
I pray that He will comfort you,
Through the valley carry you.

I don't miss everything as much, i'm getting over my post-camp depression.
But i'm still very concerned about my guys. I'm still praying for them a lot. which is good.
I really hope that they're doin well and will contact me if they need help.
Well, off to work.
<3

Heart of a Champion

Theme of one of the most blessed weeks of my life.

And i miss it terribly. I miss it so much but it's not a painful or bitter or sad missing, it's just...

i miss my kids, and the guys in my cabin, and serving and waking up at 1:30 to wake up a 13 yr old type one diabetic and having awesome conversations then and then going to sleep in my uncomfortable bed hot and sticky and humid and feeling like i had served and accomplished and sleeping better than ever b/c of that. I miss sitting in the middle of the floor at 12 o'clock and praying for God to protect my cabin and the whole camp and to wisper in their ears and guide and protect them in their sleep and dreams. I miss all of it.

I want my whole life to be like that, to be concerned for kids that are not my own but at the same time, are. I want to minister to kids and i want to teach them about our God and about serving and about living and being children of God and men and women of God.

I think I want to be a youth minister....This complicates things, but it's okay. b/c it's a direction...and one i've now had a little bit of insight in to, and i'm not scared of it anymore. I hunger for it.

To my future Wife,

I have been re-affirmed of your existence, i know God will give us to eachother, i've started praying for you now.

I know we'll meet, and you wont be the girl i can have a 5 hour conversation with (b/c i can do that with a lot of people) but because we can sit there for 5 hours and not have to talk. You'll share my appriciation for simplicity and you'll help me in my fight against materialism and complexity. You'll pray for me as i will you and you'll pray with me, and i hope and pray that God takes care of you and makes you're way blessed and sends you angels to guard you. I Love You, and I trust in God that He will protect you.

Love,

Denton

savannah, GA

So i'm here, for my brother's fiance's graduation...i'm really glad for her, and proud b/c a degree from here is not easily attained, and most of her classes were like 4 hours long due to her major...
but i kinda wish that i was at home. I love it here, and glad that i am here, but i miss home and i missed alys' bonfire yesterday, and am missing russell's party tonight. But it's fine.

I'm going to Camp edisto in a week.....and this is how i feel about it-ajdklf jkbjadhfbk cbjhaoidjgvb hfdbijdsvhn oi d ijsdghdgj dgksd d kds dh gdd dsj hkjdshg.
now, to put that in to somthing you can understand....i'm scared, excited, willing, fighting it, loving it, hating my reluctance, trusting God, and ignoring myself....
blogging is how i cope....you think i kid...
Can I lead kids in Christ?...will i have to...prob....but will it be all the time 24/7 while i'm there..no it wont...it's going to be fun and being stupid and acting older than these kids when we all know that we're really just too big for the ages in our hearts...i'm about 15, lou's about 10, and i don't know who else is going...i actually don't even know if lou is going....ah, why do i have to do everything the drasticly different and new way.....why don't i ever know anything about what i'm doing?

Lord above all, i trust You in this, help me Die to myself, and allow me to live the life You have for me....Please Please just let me love these kids and this camp and do what You would. I love You.

Some things i want....

1. To hang out with my bestfriend.
2. To drive to NOLA and hang with Tony.
3. To have saturday's off from work.
4. To go to the All Get Out show tomorrow.
5. To see Prince Caspian, b/c i love the book so far.
6. To hang out with shackers again.
7. To have Shack again.
8. To see Garret Curry and talk with him again.
9. To have better control over my bad habits.
10. To have the discipline to spend more time with my loving Father.

Oh, God, my God, where exactly have I been?

I feel like i've had a really good summer so far, but i think that's also because i've blocked myself off from what i need to see/feel. i think i've guarded my self because if i had actually been feeling and seeing what was actually going on in the past two or three months, i would have killed myself. Working so much and arguing with parents and going to school and having a lot of friends go through a lot of stuff, it was just too much and i didn't think i could handle it..
well that's crap and i could handle it and to an extent i did, i just pretended it wasn't as bad as it actually was, and now i feel like i didn't/haven't noticed what exactly my bestfriend and one of my other bestfriends and another really good guy friend of mine were going through and now it's kind of hit me in the face.
But i'm back..from outerspace??? (
no but srsly, i'm going to start being a real person again now.
and i just found out that my bestfriend wont be working at the bean and that sucks a whole lot. I feel like she should get dibs on a job there.
I also need to appoligize to her because a while ago she recomended every man's battle to me and i was like "Raahhh, i can't do that right now it's too difficult." when she's reading every woman's battle right now, i feel like i should be going through this with her? i dont' know if that's valid or if it's even healthy, but frankly, it's all i need, so i'm going to go get the book soon.
i'm also trying to get back into art..again...i feel like my artistic side needs to be exercised...
speaking of that, my body does as well, so i'm going to go do that.
:)

comeing and going, living and loving.

God, just let us make it through our losses and see You in our brokeness.

1 friend moved to NoLa, story of my life: get close to amazing person, wish i'd known said person longer..then they move away. Happened with erin, happend with tony, is gonna happen with lou-carol-bob......but i'll not ruin what i have with these people with bitterness. i love them each dearly, and will cherish the time i've had/will have with them. God has given and He will take away, but not before i'm ready....I trust in this.

2 friends going through a hard time right now: I love them both, and know that with time and prayer they will come out on top and be okay and be safe. I just have to wait and have wisdom for them when it's needed..and that is up to God... They both mean so much to me, independently and together....God has them...i trust in this too

2 girls coming back: they are two of the most amazing girls i've ever known and will ever know. They are strong and wonderful and so beautiful and will be women of God someday again...He will call them back into His arms.....i, also, trust in this.

1 boy who i struggle with: and thankfully is stronger than i am...I love him, and really really want to be his big brother....i just need to stop wanting to kiss him....because that helps no one...and i'll have strength...i've gone over a year....and i will go many many more....God is more important than my flesh and even my heart...if it breaks a hundred times because if this..it's fine, because i know He'll make it swell 100 times what ever it breaks. He fufills me......i trust and love in this.

1 group of guys: they are the most amazing kids ever...and they will keep me in line...they respect me..i can tell....and that means more than they'll ever know......i'm growing to love them immensly. God will cultivate these relationships...i trust in this more than ever now.

good.

So, there's God....and He, He is good.
Just, so so good.
We pray to Him, and He answers, we cry to Him, and He listens. He loves in a way that makes my heat ache to think about it. He makes it worth it...He makes us strong.
He is the Love of my existence. All three of Him. he he he
::sigh::
The Lord is Good...it would do us all well to remember that.
;)

Make a joyful noise to the Lord of all the earth!

My goal this weekend in savannah is to pray. as much as i can. and hope that it helps me and everyone around me. Praying makes me feel like i'm doing somthing....i like it. I like the communication between me and God also...ahem..excuse me..God and I.
This week i spent a lot of time with people i love. it was a blessing and the only reason i got through this week.
Sunday night was amazing. I actually got to finally hang out with some of the Shack guys. It really helped me to do that also...this could be the start of a beautiful thing...i mean..masculine thing.....
Monday it was Asia's birthday, and she only thought like four or five of us were going to show up at the bean and me and madison invited EVERYONE. it ended up like 25 people showed up. how amazing.
Wed. night i met up with stephanie and that was really good to see her again, and then tuesday and wednesday night i got to see megan and cass and josh and they really lifted my spirits. like they always do.
When i think about all this, and that i'm leaving a lot of this week out....i'm so overwhelmed with the people that love me and that i love in return.
So, Thank God for me in your prayers...and i'll be doing it a lot too.
Also, please pray for my prayer, b/c i want to really go through this life praying...it's the best way i can help.

Go out and make a joyful noise...be a fragrance to our Lord.

If you attack me when i'm sleeping, i can't fight back.

and you know..that's not fair at all.

When am i going to stop having dreams about him. He was in my mind before he was in my life, I had dreams about him before i met him....It's not fair. These are the best dreams, and they are the ones that make me sick when i wake up. The most beautiful nightmares i'll ever have. Lord, God, Father...help, i realize that it is because of my own disobedience that this happens, but i need help. It scares me that this can happen at a time when i can't fight back,...i can't even pray. I fall asleep feeling protected and wake up feeling wounded in batte. It screws with my head..all morning i keep going back to that dream...and it breaks my heart....it breaks my heart everytime. but it's a heart filled with desires that aren't His.

I need an out...i need a big red flashing EXIT sign.

and yeah...it was in the rain...so, so not fair.

So i have a little picture in my head

And i have to be honest, it's not entirely mine. Its like a copy...or cover of one i've seen before...and thats me and my wife sitting in a coffee shop, one of us doing work, the other there for quiet company and support, and we're both there just for a little "us" time away from the kids, b/c her sister is watching over them. We know that they are safe and therefore can relax. I sip my toffee nut latte', and she drinks her coffee, it's black, and we are content. we smile, and chuckle somtimes, and everyone who sees us feels that it's right...and the0 kid behind the coutner in the coffee shop then understands that God has a that instore for them too.

i really need to get a journal for this stuff.

In my fear

I fell from You. I'm worried that I slowed your work down....I didn't think i could handle all that You were giving me, therefore i neglected one part and in effect started ignoring You. That's what You get for being so right all the time, telling us what we've done wrong,.....even when we can't bare to hear it.....So I chose not to hear it...or atleast pretend i couldn't. I could hear You the entire time....i could feel You, but at my back not in my heart......i didn't want You there. But i'm ready to listen again...I'm ready to deal...i can make it through this...i'll take it as a compliment...and say to myself..Look how much He knows you can handle?!?!..and maybe, just maybe that will keep the trepidation at bay...
_________________________
How much longer can i continue to go? When will it make me break...when will working all week, closing on wed. nights and opening on thursday mornings-getting 5 hours of sleep tops- plus going to school just become too much? I don't know if i can do it for another three weeks. UGHHHHH GOD PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(screaming that in.....5...4..3.2.1!)

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be

I've come to think that there is no power in prayer....the power is God's..not in prayers...not in us...it's the power of His Love and Grace for us.
It's okay...I'll be okay...they'll be okay...we'll all be fine. I asked for all of this..I asked for Brokeness, I said i was going to confront my fear about loving people with substance issues, I said i wanted to confront my fear about living up to what people saw/see in me...I'm getting all of that....thanks God?..no. Thank You God.....Thank You for my stife, i will grow from it. i will learn from it...i will be sharpened by this.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be.

Be patient with me...I'm breaking....i'm trying my best to cope, and to ride it out...but i'm going to have some really hard times.....i feel like i was a tree, and i'm being made in to tissue paper.


And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be, .....

I would die for you, you know?

I will pour out until i have nothing left in me, until God decides that it's my time to join him, until i wither away and have nothing left to give. I will not leave here without trying everything twice, I will not leave you alone, I will not leave until I have helped you all. I'm called to do it, by my faith and by my love. Even if it wasn't expected of me, there is no way i would leave any of you. I will not stop trying, loving, giving, and mending until there is nothing left for me to do.

Every time i'm on my knees, waiting for Your strength..

I will find You there.

It's taken me a while to get to this post because i'm not sure if i can get through it. That being said, i have no clue why this is so hard for me, but it is.

So Easter was amazing. I've never actually felt Easter like i did this year. Joey's lesson was absolutely amazing. I cried. He referenced Pop Culture, b/c it helps him relate to people. We took communion. I realized who i would be without God.
That is why i cried. Joey asked us, to just close our eyes, and think, imagine, what it would be like if God didn't exist. If God never effected our lives, Jesus was never born, and never died for us, if the covenant was never made. I actually did this, usually i dont because of my imaginatioin, it gets a hold of me sometimes. I felt like a hole had been carved in to me. actually, into my heart. For about a second, i felt completely empty. Devoid. like i was about to colapse because i was not being sustained by the only thing that can. God. He asked us to envision who we would be in this Godless World. That is really what made me cry.
All i saw was flesh. Skin. Nakedness, sex, lust, heat, and an utter lack of love. It was made very plain to me what i would be if God had never interveened (i can't spell) in my life. 9-10 i would be a prostitute. I know this sounds over dramatic, but it's not. Sex for Money. I would like to think/say/write i haven't thought about it...but i would be lying. i don't know if others have thought about it like i have. and by that, i mean, consider it. If someone came up to me, asked me for sex, saying they would give me 500 dollars.........could i turn it down? Being educated, and knowing the lifestyle, and where that road leads. Now, the answer is YES. two years ago....i don't really want to know my answer. If not a prostitute, than just and overly sexual, sexually immoral person. Which is no better nor worse than the first.
These are my struggles, and this is what God has saved me from. THIS, is why i have given up my struggles to Him, and why I decided to kill a part of my earthly self for Him. and this is why i will never, ever, regret it.

OH LORD!

How i have missed you, You never left me, but i felt disconnected for nothing but a day, and it left me wanting. Who are You, that my heart cries for you the minute it feels that it is without you. I don't know what this means, but i do know that my heart aches, my soul aches, when i am not abiding in you. I guess i'm growing, i guess i'm learning more about this life called being a Christian. This Love that has my chest feeling ready to burst, that makes my bones hurt and my soul want to do all that You need and want it to do. You will never leave me, and i will never be with out You. I feel like screaming for You God. I have already screamed for you once today. You're making me into a crazy person.

Appropro, status quo, who knows?

So, my inappropriateness suprises me sometimes. Like, three or four times this year already i've done wildly inappropriate things. It stems from when i was more or less "out" at highschool and people expected me to be wild and say whatever came to mind, and it was the easiest way to take potentially negative attention and turn it into humor. I figured that if i just upped the shock value around me, then people would pay less attention to the fact that a non-heterosexual was saying it. and it worked, i got to hide behind being inappropriate and lacking manners and saying whatever crazy, wild and potentially hurtful thing that came in to my mind. It was also really freeing, to not care what others thought or to not have to worry about offending anyone b/c as far as you knew, your lifestyle offended them much more. And as i've always chose less than popular (socially acceptable) lifestyles, it's always been a defence thing. b/c when you get to a point, people wont confront you b/c they are afraid of what you're going to say, and how loud you're going to say it. And it's still really freeing, but it's momentary, because i always get called back down to earth and back to Christ and i end up feeling like the ass i've made of myself. We all have bits of our past selves we're trying to put away, to burn out, to excape, this is mine. I've always rebeled against some status quo or another, claiming to be a non-conformist, but i was just conforming to the less acceptable ideals.
_______________________________
Just so you know, i realized all of this as i was writing it...why do i have a habit of comeing to the realizations at my place of work?
So, i appoligize to anyone that i may have offended recently due to some inappropriate comment or another, i'm trying to get better.
_______________________________
Lord, please, help me guard my words, and let them be ones that lift you up and enhance your Kingdom, not my own.

Wow, is this what lou feels like?

Dear God,
I feel like i'm going insane for you. Like, i had quiet time and we talked, and i'm a little behind on my day in general, but it doesn't seem important. then i came back inside and lost my crap entirely. There was music that was christian, but kinda pop-indie-blah...and i completley flipped and started jumping around and dancing and yelling and praising You. I've never felt the impossiblity of losing you or hidding from you more than i do now. What does this mean?
I feel different. Does it have anything to do with the anniversery today? aaahhhhh i want to scream my love for you, but that wouldn't be enought. I want to cry out with the trees and rocks and animals and all the others who believe in you at once. I want every follower of Christ to just scream at the top of their lungs, their love for you, at the same time. What an awesome sound that would be. Don't let me ever be sane again, if sane is what i was before this day.
Love, Denton
The benjamin gate-good music, i need to look them up.

So a year ago today, God told me (told me is used loosly) that i had to make a choice. so i did, i had a break down in my shower at like 11 at night, and Gave my homosexuality to God. And for a year i have abstained from dating or becoming emotionally/romantically involved with another male. I've slipped up physically, but emotionally, my heart has remained His. Thank you God.

This is amazing.
i feel lost in the peace He is giving me.

Pride?

God, i feel like outside of those amazing shack trips i take, our relationship is you yelling at me until i have a break down (recently at my work in the back when no one is here). I know i was having trouble giving stuff over to you, which has never been a problem until this winter, but it's so hard now. Have i become prideful? Oh, Lord, how did i ever gather together enough self-esteem to become someone who carries pride? Lord, break me. Break me of this, break me of my pride and my stuborness and my fear and my insecurities. Send me through whatever trials neccessary, i cannot keep my heart from you Lord, nor do i want to. I cannnot hide, so i will not try. Break me, piece by piece, until all that is left, is a heart wanting of you and a wispered prayer of thanks on my lips.

I am humbled.

Lord, i am in wonder of your ways. I feel small when thinking about your plans, but i know i'm so important to You and am held up to be so special in Your eyes.
You have layed out somthings for me in these past five days and i am so humbled by them. I am scared, but i'm working on it, it's intimidating, but i have confidence in the confidence You have in me. You will not give me that which i cannot handle.
____________________________________

My past is behind me, I am bigger than it. My future holds far too much.

Is this what they call closure?

So, after much debate, and worry, and fighting and crying and messing around and laughing and kissing and smoking....Here We Are. I think this is the first time in my life i have really felt "closure" i don't know what that is suppose to mean, but for me it means not having to worry about hurting your feelings, not being bitter and passive agressive towards eachother, supporting eachother, protecting eachother, and not being jealous. All the things we've been trying for. "Don't stop calling, because you're the reason i love losing sleep...."

Shack on the Rocks,....Shock on the Racks,....Sock on the Rhacks,...SOR,...most anticipated trip of my year so far. I hope i don't blow it, and by that i mean, i hope i use the time i have to my advantage. Maybe God and I can build our realationship up some more, that would be exciting. The fact that courtney isn't going is more than a little bit stupid. but its all cool, it'll work out for the best, i'm sure of it.:)

The wired bean is gonna be fine, This whole thing has been so covered in prayer it's rediculous, but if anyone feels the need to leave, please do so, we wouldn't want to hold you back from the rest of your life.

Love,

Denton

How Great is our God?

Sing with me, how Great is our God?

So, today is beautiful. In ways that astound me. the temperature at 11 AM is amazing, the wind is going crazy. I don't know how to express this fully. but here's a little story that might give you a clue,..and a laugh.
So i wake up and call danielle back, we agree to get out of bed at the same time, and then i go outside and go "JOMDLGJLJ FDSHG IUG it feels AMAZING!!!!" andso then we hang up and i go outside again. By the way, im in my boxers. i'm standing on the mini Padio infront of our door, and just get so overwhelmed with joy, i start singing, and i start singing "How great is our God" by Christ Tomlin. I don't have a great voice, and singing is not my main way of worship, but it just kinda happened, it's all i could think, i just kept asking my self, "How much must He love us, to give us this, He is so great to us." and so i sang, and i ended up with my hands up in the air dancing and praising God. It was amazing. and theeeennn. a truck drove by,..and the woman in the passenger seat just stared at me like i was holding a human head in one hand and a knife in the other, hahahaha. I quickly ran inside....

Moral of the story- If you are going to praise God outside in your boxers, do it in your back yard.

Greenville, South Carolina
Norfolk, Virginia
Knoxville, Tennessee
Clarksville, Tennessee
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Charlotte, North Carolina
Lynchburg, Virginia
Hattiesburg, Mississippi
Hampton, Virginia
Chattanooga, Tennessee
Augusta, Georgia
Johnson City-Kingsport, Tennessee
Chesapeake-Virginia Beach, Virginia
Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Durham, North Carolina
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Jackson, Mississippi
Athens, Georgia
Charleston, South Carolina
Rocky Mount-Stony Creek, North Carolina
Biloxi-Gulfport, Mississippi Nashville, Tennessee
Little Rock, Arkansas
Raleigh, North Carolina
So these are the top 25 places i should live...eh? They're cute but alsoare big cities or are near one. I could do that.....maybe not Oklahoma.....The first six, excusing OK, are all places i really like.

SO

God is good. So is today.
I got a over full nights rest (btw hasn't happend in over 6 months.) and i'm drinking a double tall whitechoc. and irish cream iced latte, just had a cig (i've been cutting down a lot, it's been over a week). So yeah, i'm so so so good right now. I'm happy.
Love,
Denton.

Messy

We are messy, we are broken, we smoke and use colorful language, we dance, and we yell and we laugh during worship, we admit our struggles and do not pretend, we are christians. We follow a Jesus who helped the prostitutes and tax collectors and the outcast, we serve the God of Noah, who got drunk and naked after the flood , the God who called Isreal His chosen even when they turned away from him. I am hoplessly flawed and I am hopelessly Forgiven, unconditionally Loved. We deal with alcohol, and substance abuse, we face homosexuality and sexual immorality, we judge, and we doubt. And we are loved all the same, and we do not pretend to be any more or any less than we are.

Moons, hot tubs, and super cuddles

I can't help but think that when creating the universe and setting it all in motion, God knew last night was going to happen.
and that makes me smile a little bit.

I am this great unstable mass of blood and foam,

and no one in her right mind would make my home her home.

So, i found out somethings on sunday. I have a problem with loneliness, as in, i don't deal with it well. I freak and take everything out of context. (look at the last post, now ignore that one and look at the one before it.)
Second, I am not alone in my loneliness. I'm not the only one who is up at 1:30 looking at facebook going...why don't i have any wall post?
Third, I've lost my feeling of community at the Shack. The shack hasn't lost it's sense of community, just me. i feel like an outsider sometimes. Can i also say that this is purely caused by the fact that i hate that i don't live in columbia. I feel as though i'm removed from the comunity of Columbia and Shack. But, i have let all of this take me a direction of "getting over it" and realized that i'm A) not alone and B) not ACTUALLY removed from the Shack community.
good yeah?

To my bestfriend

I got your valentines day card tonight. I am sick and pittiful and kind feel like dying. Thank you for the card. it made my night in so many ways. I love you, and i was just reminded about how you are always there for me when i need you to be.
Happy valentimes day.
I love you,
Denton.

So, i don't really know what possesed me to post this again, but i am.
I introduce you to a 10th grade Denton Cruser who thought he could write poetry. (slightly altered from its original form.)
Every word, however, is still true.

That Girl

That girl over there,
i've seen her before.

I think i saw her from a far,
just across the room, but unreachable.

I saw her again, in the library,
she was across the table.

She said "hey, i dont really know you, but can i sit here?"
I asked myself 'is still untouchable?'
she sat.

Now, she sits next to me, and i think,
'no one's ever touched me in the way she has,
no one's brought out me as much as her, and
no one has ever let me see who i am, in the way she has."

But She's not the same girl across the room, with the violas anymore.
Or across the table anymore
Now, she is that crazy girl,
That amazing, saving girl,

who made Me reachable.

wait...what?

I don't understand.
Why on earth do i feel upset about stupid shit like facebook.
I really, honest to God, don't get it and it makes me so mad. My worth is not determined by facebook pictures or myspace messages or blog comments. I mean, really, what is wrong with me. That even in my worst, weekest, and most depressed state, that this stuff would bother me. When i have the Greatest Love, the most Significant Attention all the time.
I obviously need to work on my self-esteem.

When ever i close my eyes, i see your face.

So, the title of this blog was a joke, and the real one is....
The Most Remarkable Thing About Them Being in My Life is That They are THEM!
There's some people in my life i would like to show my thanks for.
A boy who can put me in a good mood no matter what, and that is so exagerated in everything he does that it makes me want to expand myself
A girl who has me utterly wraped around her finger in the best way.
A girl who is so brave and whom has showed me how deep God's strength and love is, who i didn't know how deeply i cared about until saturday.
A woman who is a warrior and will never let us give up on ourselves.
A Family who i have found extrodinary and beyond anything i have ever seen. A family who can take a broken and scared girl, and raise her to who feet in a matter of days by forming a certain team AWESOME.
My heart is growing and deepening and it hurts in the best way possible. i have been broken and am mending. Refreshing is an understatment.

"I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foamAnd no one in her right mind would make her home my home"

It's a cold and broken hallelujah.

I want to be bitter, and jaded, and furious, and jealous. I want to punch a wall, and cry and yell and i want to scream until my throat is raw. I want to sing and smile and laugh and scream my love for God and my friends until my voice is no more. I want to, i NEED to, expel the emotion racing through me. I'm so thankful that such a display of family was shown this past week, and infuriated that i wasn't part of it. I'm mad at myself for not being more accessable and hate the fact that i don't live in columbia. I feel like i'm missing so much and i don't know what to do about it. I feel helpless in this. I'm thankful for the times i do get to stand on green street and the time i spend with the family i have there. but regret every minute i'm not there, missing out on sumo in the park and getting coffee and playing poker, and seeing people on greene street.
Joy and anger are burning inside of me, fighting to be my primary emotion, making me confused and leaving me with a feeling of coals in my chest and an aching behind my eyes that i can only assume is an unshed tear. How dare i not have been there, did not give strength and support...
But i was praying, and that is best thing i could have done. but i could have spent more time praying. My heart is crying out for God, and my head is aching for peace.
God is so good, I've been singing, yelling, crying, laughing this for weeks. But why is it not reaching my heart tonight?
Lord of Peace, I cry out to you! Abide in me and calm my storm. Teach me to Love you. Please.

well sometimes i dont feel like i have the right to wear You around my neck

I cut my necklace off today. You know the one, with the cross, that i've had on my neck for the past eight years. While i have never felt like i haven't had the right to wear it, i've often felt like it was the only thing keeping me honest and in line at times. And still i strayed.
Tonight i realized i don't need to wear a cross to keep me accountable. As of tonight, i refuse to have a cross around my neck to make me act like a christian. I will choose daily to be a christian.
From tonight on, i will hold myself accountable.
God is good, so so good.

All you need is love.

I am constantly surrounded by the most mature, deep, fun, intelligent people, and it makes me feel like a child. I feel like i have so much to learn in order to become the person i want to become. (or need to become? i dont know.) I feel like i got out of highschool and was plunged in to a world that expected more out of me than i was ready to give. At first i handled it pretty well, then i didn't. I gave a lot, and then i ran out of stuff to give, i kept on depending on what I had to offer and that is sorely limited. I stoped letting God support me and give me strength. I stopped. Like in every positive aspect of my life..i stopped. And then i went back to shack and my life went.....BAM! and it's like my gears just got back in order. I don't think i've ever recovered this fast from a stumbling block like that. It's good to know that i have what it takes to change when i need to. After all of this, i feel slightly more confident that i don't suck as a child of God. B/c sometimes i really just can't accept that He loves me. I'm coming to understand the Unconditional part of His love more and more, but somtimes i still feel like i'm not enough. but those times are becoming less. I'm accepting more love than i have in a long time. From every where. My life is filled with really great people, and i'm realizing that more and more on a daily basis.
"we accept the love that we think we deserve." That is true, very true. and the more i love myself, and the less i hate myself and the more i let the Lord clean me out, the more love i accept from people.
This is good.

Yay college.

So, i'm sitting in my class, my computer technologies class....i have internet. It's real boring. "Data-Raw and un-organized numbers and facts. Lets talk about data, what is data? Where have you encountered data today?" hahaha....shoot me.
nah, it's not that bad. My prof is real fun, crazy old lady who likes computers.
She's discussing false things about computers...like myths? haha it's really interesting.
MTC finacial aid is stupid. i mean the department, or the people in the department of financial aid.
I'm REAL bored, but my life is doing really well. Me and God are real good! Me and my friends are real good. Life is real good....even my bad gramar is real good.
Looove!

And swelling up inside of us, there's this pride in us, this arrogance,

And our only line of defense is the sense that
Im not as half as bad as this friend of mine so I must be fine
We mean well don't we
Yet I've never seen good intentions set a man free

This break has, on the surface, in the normal, the flesh been amazing. The best i've ever had. seriously, i've seen a lot of good things happen.
But as far as my walk with the One whom i love with all of my heart. Substandard is and over statment. I have suffered, i decided that it would be more fun to walk my walk, not His. I was wrong. I mean, yes it was a lot of fun, i enjoyed it, but i also didn't ever go to sleep before 3 in the morning or later because i was afraid to talk to God b/c i knew He'd want to discuss things. Well, i thought He would anyways. I was wrong. I fixed things, righted my world again, gave in to my hearts True Desire. and He's being patient, He's waiting until I talk to Him.
Love. When will i truly understand that word. I've been trying to for a little over 5 months now, it's still escaping me. I'll find out one my facet of that word, and be so excited about it, that i'll forget another. It is a word that holds so much, will i ever truly understand it? B/c God says that to know Him, you have to know love. So if they are synonymous (sp?) than i can't understand love in its entirety.
Anyways, I'm speaking to God again, and listening, this is good. And yesterday was the best day of my life because of this......i rejoice because my sin does not eat me alive anymore, for i have a Saviour who i appreciate more because of my failures.
And if you're ever having a rough day, read Laurasis's blog

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so, i just told my mom that i failed music apprieciation.
via email.
I realized that that makes me a coward, but i've been trying to tell my parents for WEEKS. and i just couldn't.
So...
i'll have more on this later?...

I heard about your message

And
How it reeked of indifference.

So a list, a list of people that i'm close to and what a bond with them over.

Girl-Sushi, our disagreement on music(depressing indie shit), our life mistakes, and SEXISTENTIAL CRISIES! hahahahaha

Girl-Buffy, Bloc party, facebook pokes, head scratching, our rediculous circle of friends and their craziness. (where we use to be the voices of reason)

Boy-our views on homosexuality, cloves, long but good talks that are few and far between,...and highfives.

Boy- tree houses? your crazy mother, our struggles with God, girly music.

Girl-our non judging eachother and constatnly trying to keep eachother on the right track. and your hair.

Girl-your hilarious neurosis, how i really do understand you almost all the time and vice versa, even if we pretend we don't. driving and dancing (is that illegal?) dancing like whores in general.

Girl- the fact that we will be friends forever, even though our differneces are growing in number, we still know eachother like the back of hour freaking hands. Our rediculous choices in dates, and that i'm finally friends with one of them, which is good b/c he's stuck around the longest. Cats, Hitler cats, and our horrible middleschool years.

I love all of these people. I thank God for them regularly.

I never made a scene,
I didn't have to, I didn't have to

We don't even make a sound,

but oh they'll feel us hit the ground.

So New Years was fun, it was amazing. It was the best one i've ever had. Ever. I think my circle of friends mended a lot of scars we had. This last semester was rough on all of us, but we made it through, we endured, and now we're here.
I have the best parents ever, they're amazing and gracious and so sweet. I've seen a very different side of them in the past four months too, but it's been amazing. It's been a good side.
Thank you for being my bestfriend and enduring me, i know i can be difficult. I love you so much and thank you for bringing your boyfriend into my life also, he gives me hope.
Thank you for letting my bestfriend bring you in to this crazy circle of insanity that we call our friends. Thank you for being patient with us.
So, we're bestfriends. we'll talk..eventually. We're okay, i love you, call me anytime.
This is going to be a good year.

Heavens on it's Toes
And i'm on my knees.