Last night

Was amazing.
I had a great time, and God really spoke to me about what i need to do right now and where i need to be going with my life.
Things are gonna start changing, and i'm so glad for it!
My best friend is amazing and i hope she knows that.

Soooo

I'M GOING TO NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!
This is very exciting
<333333
God is amazing, I thank Him for all of the struggles i've gone through, they've made me strong.
Love,
<3

Life goes on.

And it get's better and better and better.
So with out actually intending to, i think i've just been calling out to God to help me make things possible, and if that's not it, then He did all this with out me asking. But things are looking up soo much! i actually paid attention in both of my classes to day and learned and retained information. This is insane, b/c i really have trouble doing this due to my ADD and Torette's (sp?) syndrom. And i think things are looking up in one area of my life, so yeah, more on that later.
And, i just spen like 25 minutes praying outside, and it was awesome! It wasn't some grand comunion between me and God or anything, it was just me asking Him about some stuff and asking His help on things, and just abiding in eachother. It was really cool, and chill...who knew God, creator of all, could be so chill?!?
God bless,
Love.
<3

Well there's a millian other girls who do it just like you

Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like, it's easy if you do it right.
You can not be serious! Will you ever grow up? All of us have put a hundred more painful things behind us, we've moved past things even when it hurt because we knew we had to, that if we didn't we'd keep on making supid mistakes and our lives wouldn't amount to half of what they could, you're the only one who has yet to really do this. You can't say no, well fine, i get that. So why do you keep putting yourself into situations where you would need to. It's not really that hard to not communicate with people you know.
And why don't you think about what you doing these things does to the people who love you? I have 6 frantic messages from 2:30 in the morning from two people who where scared to death for you. They love you enough to try to get you not to do it, but you just argue with them and let that trash talk down to them. If she really does stop being your friend, no one could blame her.
And i'll be the one you and everyone else expects to be there for you when he breaks your heart again or you get in to some huge fight again. He's ruin enough of your life already hasn't he?
I'll be there, of course, b/c i'll never stop loving you and i'll never stop being your best friend, but my respect for you is slipping. I'm not going to fight you on this, and don't try to defend yourself or explain your actions, because we both know it'll just be bull shit and wont mean a thing.
I'm hurt because you lied by omision, and mad because you made a stupid decission last night that could have potentially caused a lot of people a lot of greif, just so you could have some fun, and i'm disappointed in you because you know this is wrong, you know better on several levels and i thought you had the backbone to deal with this. i was wrong.

My mission in life.

So, i'm waiting, waiting for my mission in life, my cause, my camand to tear down the church of my father. I wish it would come. I'm completely causless right now, and i guess i'm okay with it, but i'm tired of wandering around with no passion. I mean i have a passion for God, and it's real and strong, but i see all these people with passions within God, like playing music to worship Him with, teaching people about Him, helping people understand Him better. I want that, i want to know without a doubt that there is somthing in need to be doing for Him. Even if it's going to ophanages in Africa. I just wish i KNEW! I mean, it seems that things come up where im like "Hey, I need to do this!" and then it's like STOMP! reality decides to make me realized that it's can't work out. I'd love to do stuff with hannah house, buut, i only have two days a week free, and those are neccesary for homework. It sounds lame, i realize but those two days are rest days. If i don't have those i would freak out, i've already had two almost breakdowns and been saved by only the grace of God and some greatly timed phone calls of friends. so i'm going to try my hardest to make 1 or 2 days a month where i can see those kids, but i'll have to work that out still.
And then i got offered to go to New Orleans with Shack people and help build houses, okay i LIVE for this kind of stuff, and now i can't go b/c of scheduling. So that goes bye bye too. I mean, i don't understand. it's like everything that i feel i'm called to, everything that i do feel pasionately about is being closed off from me.
RAWR! this is how i feel.

Honesty time.

Okay, so i'm not trying to get sympathy, i just need to express this.
I'm breaking down. My sanity is now so thin, i think i may just jump out of my window. (it's low to the ground so i wont die, but it'll be somthing drastic, it may help) I mean, i really need a break, and if the shack over nighter doesn't help me get one, i really am going to jump out of a window. I need God, I need time, and I need space. I need to have just like one freaking minute to adjust to the fact that i'm going to school and carrying a part time job and need to go to church and at some point see my friends. Next to God, my friends are the most important part of my life, and they are being taken away from me. I'm about to snap.
I just really need some time to figure things out. my parents are NOT giveing me that. They have been yelling at me since i starte school. It's like as long as i pay them back, remain a 3.0, and do the friggin dishes, it doesn't matter if i break, or if i go insane or if i just die from exhaustion. As long as those three things happen, life for them, is good. This isn't really how they feel, but it's how they act. and sometimes, know the two are different in your mind is very different from knowing it in your heart.
At this point, i can't win, and can't give up, so i just have to get beat until the ref thinks it's been enough.

I heard a voice through the dischord...

Of a deluge of passers by.
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by.
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd,
And I'll hear your voice aloud
When you're whispering...

I feel like life is crowding in. I swear i can't breathe and my sanity is thin. Life can't stay this busy, i'll break. It's like this fog or smoke, that is closing in and trying to sufficate me. This has happend before, i just have to wait for God to pierce the smog. It'll happen, He always comes through. but i just feel so disconected. Like, i'm here, and God is there. I think it's b/c i've spent a lot of time with my family. my brother and his girlfriend aren't religous at all, mom and dad are "christians" they believe and pray, but never go to church or even talk about God, and jessica's sister is jewish...i have NO support in the way of my walk with these people. It makes me feel lost. I'm in a storm of disbelief. I just have to pray that our Lord will calm it. Please, pray for me too.
God, please, let me hear your voice.

Jesus, I'm ready to come home.