hahaha whoopsies!

So, I guess I should have told you guys that I have a new blog! haha

It's here at hrrrvy.tumblr.com

please enjoy!

wow, what a month.

So it's been exactly a month since I've posted...and what a month it has been. I can't even begin to go into everything on here, I know that's unusual for me but it's just too much. Just know that my relationship with God has grown better by leaps and bounds and I'm learning that the better that relationship is the better He wants it to be. The more He requires out of me. That part is really tough but I'm doin alright.

On a side note, I'm sitting in Sbux on Gferry and I am looking at the guys passing through here and all I can say is "I want to look like that." It's like they're all Fraties or Med students. And somehow working your ass off in med school and paying for it, leaves you room and money to work out and look like a beast at the end of the day. Well there are a lot of guys from Fort Jackson here too... I just feel like my general attitude toward guys most the time now is that I wish I could be as fit as them. I'm a generally healthy guy, I eat a little healthier than the average american but I'm no health freak, and working out...HA, that's a hardy laugh. Since I'm lacking a job, I would love to work out, but alas, I don't have the money to go to the gym and I could work out at home but I really only have time in between classes and Shack stuff.. so I feel as though it could just make me really tired. I don't know but something has got to change because I'm so tired of thinking "I wish..." or "wouldn't it be nice"...I would like to be able to say, "hey, I do look like that." I just feel that right now (and this is kind of crass) my reproductive success level is fairly low. And I know that's not what life is about, obviously I have a great life and am very blessed but as it stands, I would just like to feel a little more "fit" in the Darwin sense and in the physical sense.

Okay, now to read Oedipus The King. Bleh, school is lame.

I don't know how much you can see of this....but i just have one question....

When did our faith become about numbers and not love?

I see this and ask myself...Would Jesus, the loving passionate son of God, who over turned tables in the temple and ran people out of the temple with a whip of rope, would He really be okay with something called Judgement House...I'm sorry, I think they forgot to put the part where Jesus used scare tactics to save/heal/resurrect/love/forgive people in my bible....oh wait...that's right...He never did that.

And ask me what I think about re dedication sometime.....but make sure you have a minute or 15....

We serve a God of Love, He is a God, a Father, the Groom to our Bride....not an accountant.

bah.

Rain: The sound of Love

I'm sitting here in my living room,

listening to it..It's a beautiful sound,

it's the sound of God

quenching the earth, comforting his children,

answering their prayers.

It's one of the numerous sounds of love that He offers us,

along with the sounds of our friends laughing,

the sound of loved ones clapping,

and three very simple words.

And sometimes those words are so so hard to say.

And sometimes still, they're the absolute toughest to hear.

They are words of grace, and of mercy, of forgiveness.

They are the words that say so much more.

They say,

I accept you, as you are,

I don't see your flaws, but your perfections,

I don't see your darkness, because I'm blinded by your light.

I embrace your brokenness because I accept your breaking.

I Lived for you, so you can Live for me.

My God, O' God, Help us now.

Selfish desire, deceit, gossip, apathy, bitterness, cynicism, loneliness.....These are not things that should be found in a church, but yet these are things that my church has found in its self. This makes me want to cry for two reasons, tears of sadness over the fact that we have let things get like this, but more than that, tears of joy that we have noticed it, that we have admitted to these things and that we have taken measures to fix our brokenness....

Joy, Light, Love, Support, Friendship, Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy....these are things that I have experienced tonight....Thank You Lord, You have been with us, and are with us still. I pray that You continue to be with us through all of this and that You guard our hearts from our enemy and that You give us love and grace to pour out on each other and others around us as these hard times end and begin...

"And oh my God, I know you can hear us, we're just tired of changing like seasons, we feel your love, if we could love ourselves, we don't love ourselves..."

Wow..

I can't believe the roller coaster I'm on right now. I feel like I'm on the road to becoming who I want to be and to getting my crap straight, but I feel like I keep running of track and then running back, and I'm not making a lot of progress. I want to be more consistent, and I think I'm getting there, mainly because of some self realizations, but also because I want to be the person and man and man of God that the amazing people in my life expect and need me to be. And I want to be that person, even more so, because I expect and need myself to be that man.

I read your blog just now, and you did one of those silly things where you talk about people but don't let them know who they are by name, just explanation.....and I wasn't one of those people, and that kind of hurt/broke my heart. And that's not fair to say to you because I've done nothing to be one of those people in your life. But maybe if I had focused on God and you a little bit more in the past couple of weeks then I could have been. Regardless I miss you, and I love you, and I've realized that I want you to be part of my life, as a friend, nothing more, but I need you there as a friend, and I feel like maybe you need me too, and maybe that is arrogant thing to say, but I feel like it could very well be true, because it's been true in the past. I hope it is. I hope I'm right in all of this, and I hope that we can both handle it....

o' the Glory of it all

I'll never fully understand God's love for me, I say that over and over again, but it's true, and constant. He is, after all, my one and only constant. David Crowder sings this song "Oh The Glory of It All" and in it he says "after all our hands have wrought He forgives" that's so true and so beautiful and so unfathomable to me. I can't go any number of days with out feeling like I have put myself in some pit that He has to reach down and pull me back to the surface. But yet, time after time He does this.

Life is getting more and more complicated, and I'm getting confronted with adult life more and more and it's starting to terrify me, yet I keep looking back to my freshmen year when I was just as afraid to being going to college and taking classes and working. I got through that year with my sanity in tact by taking it a day at a time. Its not that I never looked forward, I just didn't worry as much, I actually focused on not worrying. I paid much more attention to my day to day interactions, got through each day, trying my best to complete all of my duties and live my life as best as possible, and went to sleep hoping and praying that the next day would be as good if not better, and it did get better. It got easier, simpler, easier to handle, to carry, to deal with. God would carry more and more of my burdens at my request, and they were uttered often. I just have to continue asking, and praying, and hoping and having faith. Doing little things like cleaning my room, finding a job, researching papers when I should, going to class.....those help, and I need to not over look them.

I think I just remembered why I started blogging in the first place, it helps me organize my thoughts, put things and order and sift through them. Thank you God. For all of it.

I think I might successfully journal tonight...this is far more exciting to me than it should be.

Have a good night or day to all of you.

In peace and Love.

I need FOOD!

So, I had quiet times regularly for about a month once...
That's really all I have to say about that.

In related news I remembered a quote from a book tonight that challenges me in uncomparable ways. It's actually the book that I named this blog originally after, and it's where I get my url from too. It's called the perks of being a wallflower. this book changed my life. This is the quote "people accept the love that they think they deserve." it's the most adiquate, appropriate, and applicable statement I've ever read in any book.
This is another quote from another book that thousands of people have read. This book is called The Bible. The quote is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. This statment is part of what we call the great commision. It's the first part, the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. That second part is what we most focus on, but tonight, the first really stuck out to me, and I realized that it is a very looked over passage because it is so familar to all of us followers of the way. but it is JUST as IMPORTANT as the second...if not more so. After all, we do follow a jealous God. But thankfully He is also very forgiving. Now, back to the original topic: I feel that I never really grasp that who concept of Loving God...I mean, it's not complex, but it's big...really really big.
I think that I'm going to try to grasp this, I'm going to try to Love my God with all of my being; heart, soul, mind, strength..all of it, also I'm going to really try to see and acknowledge my body as temple for the Holy Spirit.... I realize that these are big things, but honestly..I'm tired of milk.

Scripture// love

What is it about God's word that is so beautiful and at the same time so terrifying. I'm about to go off on this leadership retreat and realize that I have not read a word of scripture in almost a week.
I think it's the Truth that we find in scripture that is so amazing and so fearsome. The truth we find there reveals truths about ourselves. When we read His word and reflect on all God has done, all His work, His creation, and His sacrifices, and even more His promises, it provokes us to reflect on our work, what have we done, what have we sacrificed, how have we lived? And we grow to know and expect this from the Bible, and so sometimes it becomes the hardest book to read, even to open. Because between it's covers is reckoning, truth, freedom, and most fearsome of all, there is love. And Love holds the power to break, humble, reckon, tear down and build up, heal, make us new creations and give us a salvation from ourselves and our enemy. The scripture really is in it's essence: love. But we have to continue look at it as our freedom, even when that freedom comes at the price of personal sacrifice, and the pain of realizing how we have been living.

well

I was going to pray....
and that didn't work out. now I feel as though it would be pointless, and so maybe now is when I need to more than ever...but it's 6 in the morning, and I feel to tired and conformed to pray. I think I'm going to try anyways. After all, how else will I ever grow into the man that He wants me to be?

Hold my Heart

One tear in a driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain,
Could the make of the stars,
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One live, is all I am,
Right now I can barely stand,
If You're everything You say You are.
Could you come close and hold my heart

So, Tenth Avenue North could be becoming a favorite if they keep putting out songs that make my heart cry.
I can relate to everything they write. It's weird. because parts of it are cheesey but I don't neven notice that when I'm in my car screaming it at the top of my lungs.
Love is a funny thing.
God, He's a funny guy.
Have a good Sunday readers.

Finding God in Everything.

I like listening to music while I blog, tonight, it's Swing Low Sweet Chariot and some Plumb

So I had another realization yesterday, after a lot of praying and strife over my job. I came to the conclusion Monday that there is no good side to my job other than the few friends I've made there. I was near tears Monday night, so anxious about going to work the next day, because it's so so extremely discouraging. My manager has this amazing ability to say the simplest things in the most cutting manner, and have no knowledge of how it affects her employees. So after a couple of days verbally abusing her in my mind, and out loud to friends (not her of course), and freaking out about my job, and not looking forward to the next 5 days of work, an talking to my parents, praying, sleeping, and more praying Tuesday morning, I realized that I was being humbled. I felt like Theresa or Which Wich owed me something...or just the greater adult world in general....I don't know, but there was a lot of pride involved, and I've been praying for humbleness and trying to be more aware of my prideful thoughts and humble myself a little too. So I realized that this was God's answer to my prayer....and surprisingly, I was joyful, and thankful. I mean, I had asked after all. I also realized how I was acting wrong in the situation and that is to say I had been holding on to everything she had said to me yet still expected her to not hold on to my mistakes. Who sees the problem with this? I certainly do. So, after those amazing little gifts of discernment from God, I get to work and Theresa isn't there....
She wasn't there today either btw, I think He's giving me time to adjust to this new perspective...and I'm very thankful.
But after work is when the REAL realization came. So I was just thinking about how God is using this job, and how its a sucky job, and how I just didn't know why I had to have THIS job. And then I went full circle and remembered that God was using it, and that knowing this little tid bit of information was how I am going to withstand it until I can find another one. And then...BAM*!*!*!*! it hits me...It's not about finding the good in everything, it's about finding GOD in everything..the quote of mine that Taylor reminded me of on that note of hers....I remembered what it meant. There may not always be good in something, somethings just genuinely suck, but God is using them regardless, He uses all things for His purposes and glory and plan.
so...there it is...interesting huh?

God, please, continue to be a rainfall of leaves in my life. Give us reminders of You, Lord. Amen.

Sacrificial offering of self

I learned something very important this past Sunday. Kevin taught at the last Summer SNS and he taught about Love. Now, when talking about love you can talk about any number of areas or aspects of it, and Kevin chose to talk more about the counter-intuitiveness of love. How it is not instinctive to us. We are flesh and immersed into the sin nature, therefore it is instinctive for us to think of ourselves and what we want to do, and love has the uncanny ability to make us do things, act in ways or say things that we would not normally do. He also talked about how love requires sacrifice, some may not believe or agree with this, but I could not agree more. So, he talked about how we have to sacrifice to love, and it mad me start thinking about dieing to self, and how it's not so much about dieing to your self and having your desires and wants die, but its about actually sacrificing them. You have to I have to Sacrifice Myself to God, my wants, my desires. I have to put myself last. oy. Application of Faith.....

Reply to Lana

Hey, my name is Denton. I was a counciler at jr. high camp edisto. I am starting to work with their youth, and i'll be more than willing to give meagan your email the next time I see her.

In other news: Job.
I'm conflicted about my job. I find it extremely discouraging sometimes, but others I can't help but smile. Maybe I just need to look for God more in this. Like I said to taylor like two years ago, It's not about finding good in everything but finding God in everything. His love and Grace and guidence are there, His presence is there, I just need to find it, to see it. I'm also starting to gain more encouragement from my church, and that is helping also. hrm...We'll see I guess.

I am now

Officially a Phil Wickham fan. Always Forever is an amazing song. Excuse the crappy media shout video, it's not mine.

That thing that we do.

So, I looked back to the blog I wrote very close to today a year ago, and I was so much more self aware then, far more willing to recongize my faults, and own up to them. I feel as though I've lost myself in pride and complaint, I can see the light coming from above, from the world outside of this hole that I've dug for myself. I'm climbing toward it, but it feels once again, as it did a year ago, that God isn't even listening, that He's dissapointed in me, and I've grown enough in the past year to know that those things aren't true, and that He loves me always, and that I have His grace and forgiveness, and that He hears every word I utter. It just feels like that. Is this enemy, or self? and how often are those the same thing?
I need prayer, I need help, I need confession, I need love. I am loved, I am Loved, I Am Loved. I need to love myself. Will this be my other eternal struggle...self love? God, I beseech You that it is not so.
I'm getting so stressed out about this next year, and I really just need to give it all to God already. He got me through this last one, He'll get me through this one. I'm in need, I'm in Need of You, Lord.

Also, Carole Joy, if you still read this, I love you and I miss you.

Work always like you are working for God.

I'm quickly running out of steam and enthusiasm for my job, it's losing all fun. I know work isn't for fun, but being a prep guy has actually added stress because marina hasn't been here, so I've been the only prep person for going on two weeks. And it's my second week doing it.
But I know that God will give me strength for this, He already has many times before. I trust that He is by my side.

Jesus's ministry was where people were,
So we've got to go to where people are.



2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.





Also, this song speaks to me.

And this one is just good.

A week ago today

I was experiencing God in amazing ways, I was praying over young friends I'd made, and was about to endure one of the most difficult trials of my life.
Now, I'm not as lonely as I was, I'm slowly re-integrating myself into the society and community here. I'm aso not doing as well spiritually, but i'm trying to work on that...Hopefully a week with out parents will give me time enough to really focus on God. But that really will only happen if I want it to, and I motivate myself and put effort into it. And I guess that's the hard part about this all, beyond my relationship with God, I don't have anything to push me to be a better follower of Christ. I know that God is all I need, and I shouldn't require anything else to give me that extra push...God, I feel weak Lord. Give me strength to be who You would have me be.

Lonely

I feel so lonely right now. I've been sleeping in a room with 13 or so other people for a week and my room at home seems so empty. I'm not getting leon to check his sugar, i'm not swimming with new and old friends, yelling at my guys to be quiet and go to bed, or any of the things i've done for the past five nights.
God, I pray, I beg you, take this loneliness from me. Fill me with joy. Forgive me for my wrongs, and please Lord, send me Love and Peace and Rest. Give me peace that my guys are alright, that they are safe and in Your hands. Thank You for all of it. Amen.

Camp Edisto '09

This has once again been one of the best weeks of my life, and will be the best week of 2009 for me.
There are 7 guys who I owe a great deal to. They along with others from camp and returned my to a place where I feel secure in my relationship with God and I feel Honored and Blessed for it. They taught me more about being a Man of God in a week than I taught myself in this last year. I gained strength and courage from God through these boys. John John, Leon, Adam, Justin, Josh, Jake, and Devon, I will pray for you as long as God sees fit to keep you on my heart and mind. I thank each and every one of these guys, for they have led me home.
I am going to Call Dutch Fork Christian Church this weekend or this next week and talk to them about helping out with their youth. Please Pray me about this, organized churches scare me.

Fight for your (eternal) life.

First off, I want to say thank you to all those who've been praying for me, it has helped without a doubt. This past week got progressively easier every day and it was all thanks to God and you guys for asking on behalf of me. So once again, Thank You, and please continue the prayers.
Also, let me know if there is anyways to repay you in like, any way I can pray for you.

I've been feeling lately that I want to fight. It's been in my bones, its made me moody and snappy. And there are some fights that are going to happen soon because they need to, not because I want them too. But I realized tonight after Shack (which was amazing), on the drive home, that I've been wanting to fight so much because I've stopped fighting. I have stopped fighting for myself, my life, my relationship with God. I basically was confronted by a force I was too lazy to contest and let it all slip through my fingers. I remembered tonight that we are in a constant fight for our lives, we're fighting the world, flesh, sinful nature, for ourselves. It's constantly invading our territory and when we stop fighting, we gain a massive desire to do so. Especially as men, we're made for fighting, genetically and spiritually, we are suppose to be fighters, we are suppose to be fighting.
I've let my borders slip, I've let my defenses down, taken off the armor, and lain down with my throat exposed. Ready to give up and die. This was, of course, a process, gradual. It started a little bit at a time and eventually I ended up mad at myself and depressed due to my lack of control and strength. My weakness stronger than myself.
This is time for it to stop. This is the time that I need to choose who I'm going to be and what path I'm going to take, it's all gone on far to long, and I've let myself be used too much and for too long. I'm losing who I am. And I am more ME when I am His.
So, if you would, help me fight.

Hardest job I've ever worked

I just got home from work. It's 1:27, i got off roughly around 1.....
Day shift hasn't done even half of their duties all week, and night shift has had to pick up the slack, at the expence of our time. And Marina only had one fuctional leg today due to her surgery, and theresa decided that she only needed to schedule Marina and me to work....so closing took three freaking hours, mainly because we had 3 pans or more of meat to role that day shift didn't do, and we've been really really busy at night this week, tonight we had steady customers from 5 to 9..... I've never actually had this bad of a time closing before, the past two days has sucked.
I love this job, and the people I work with, they are all amazing and lovely, but this is getting to be a lot more than I may be able to handle. So those of you who are reading this, please please please pray for us all at Which Wich, and pray that I will have the strength to stick it out, and that Theresa (my manager) will have her heart softened by God, and that she wont judge our closing too harshly. Please Please pray.

Job update

So, I worked with my manager who I thought was completely crazy last night. And she is, completely, but she's not mean, she can be rough and when she's in a mood, nothing anyone does is right. But last night was a really fun night for me at work, and I worked with this kid mitch, and it was really fun and we ended up talking after work for like an hour. I had prayed all day long yesterday and God answered with astounding results. I love Him, and there's no doubt that He loves me.
I also have been struggling with a lot lately, and in fighting against it all, I realized that I was losing my relationship with God because of all of this stuff I have been struggling with. Realizing that freaked me out, and I started going double time to fix things and repent, ask for my debt to be forgiven and just get my heart/mind where they should be. And in doing this, I realized that I can't exist with out God. Nothing is strong with out Him. I am not strong without Him. In short, I do want Him, without a doubt, I want Him in all that I do. Because without Him, all that I do goes to hell. Yesterday went so perfectly, that I can't help but realize the difference He made in it. I don't know how to end this, I'll prob. end up writing another blog today though

Which job?

So, I have this new job. And I may or may not hate it. And equally I may or maynot like it more than my last job. It was only my third night tonight and I got off early, but I do nothing but bust my ass the whole time I'm there, and I'm a pansy and it wears me out. Phisically it's exhausting and mentally it's exausting. Between working non-stop and being on my feet the whole time, learning how things work and what goes where and in what and how much of what to do what with and why this is all done, I feel as though I'm not going to learn it all, and will just suck at this and end up getting fired. I mean my crazy manager just fired someone who was an amazing employee because he called in sick and she didn't believe he was sick. So yeah....I"m just tired and feel like dying. And since I got this job I have barely talked to God at all. I feel like I'm trying to fit 48 hours in to every day and eventually my world is going to expload.
As you can see, I'm pretty frustrated, and I don't know why, but I need to calm down before I give myself a heart attack. Please pray that I get my crap under control.
Thank you.

Books

So, I went to buy those books yesterday and realized that no one had them. I was confused, but then I realized that books aren't going to help me know if I want God. They're not even meant for that. The only way I'm going to figure out if I want God is by finding out who He is, and if I want a part of that. Scripture is going to give me that, not Rob Bell or Donald Miller nor the late C.S. Lewis. The only book that will tell me about Him is the one that He wrote. And how else do you get to know someone? You talk to them. So, Today, I start talking to God again. Not just praying and asking, but talking...asking questions not favors, telling Him about myself, and talking to other people about Him, asking who He is to Them. This seems juvenile to me, like I should be past doing this, I sound like I'm trying to figure out if I believe in God or not, but I know I believe in Him, I just don't know if I want Him.
Also, I have an Interview today, and I'm hoping He'll help me...I'm very fickle with Him....I hope He doesn't mind.

Today,
I realized that I dont know if I want God. I know I need Him, I know He is there, I know that He is good and glorious, and most importantly Real.
And I realized also that God-wants-me. I know He loves me, I know that He wants me, and that all He is doing, He is doing for me.
But I have to decide if I-want-Him. And that's going to be very difficult. I know what the answer should be, and I know what I want it to be, but I'm not going to give myself the Sunday School answer here. So, I'll probably be doing a lot of blogging from here on out, so for those of you who read this, I hope you'll be along for the ride.
Now, to go buy Sex God by Rob Bell and maybe Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller in hopes that these books will help.

I just need a little bit of Hope, just a little bit.

I need hope.
I need hope in my life, that I wont end up alone, that I will actually make somthing of myself, that I wont end up like this at the end of it all. I need to know that someone is there for me.
I need hope that my bestfriend will eventually pick up her phone, that my life will stop spinning, and that I wont be stuck here forever.
I need hope in people again, I need hope in my friends, in God, in church and community, in my art, in myself, in love and in trust. I need hope that my family will stop fighting and start loving. I need hope that I'll eventually help someone, that I will count for somthing at the end of the road.
I need hope in tomorrow. I need hope in today.

Trails forsaken

"My heart beating faster and faster, my breathing following the same trend, My feet pounding the ground, evading the rocks and pot holes trying to make me fall. My arms pumping and reaching out for balance and hand holds, fingers bloodied and bruised. Dodging around trees, branches reaching out to pull me back, watching for roots who'd rather I broke my leg or neck than reach the summit, much less the otherside. Years, decades of leaves piled up, stealing my traction like theives after diamonds. All of nature, flesh, the here and now binding together with one goal in mind: Pulling me back, Keeping me here, Making this Valley my home, literally where my heart is. This slope, this steep mountain side is generations old, built up by the sins of the fathers, the ignored, over looked, hushed up, never discussed, blocked out, festering sins. This is my greatest fear, threat, danger, and opponent, and will be my greatest triumph. And still when that victory is made, it will have naught to do with me."

Church

What kind of church are we?
Last I heard it was as close to the church of Acts as we could get. We were authentic, we did not act like most churches, nor did we follow the trends that were seen in main stream churches, especially not the kind that need 20 associate pastors. We were not fond of elaborate structure and cared about helping people, whether that entailed our own brothers and sisters or the ones that came in through our battered door for the first time. We wanted to have fun doing the simple things and enjoying the beauty God has given us, through music, food,trips, and fellowship. We asked awkward questions and we waited until we received the awkward and honest answers. We admitted weaknesses and faults, we fessed up our desires and our wants, and never felt judged or lesser because of those things.
Are we still that church, am I helping us to be that? I believe that that is the church we are still meant to be, because I honestly feel as though it was the core of what our community was built on. Honestly, simplicity, community, and love. Those were what we strove for, and if we failed, we tried again.
I don't know if that's still us, but I can't see it. And still this may be a fault of mine, I honestly can't say, but something needs to change, I'm willing to help in that, just tell me how.

Glorious.

I have a math final in 70 minutes, and i'm terrified that I wont pass it, but I'm also confident in a God that has me in His arms, what ever grade I make, and who may actually help me make a decent grade.
I opened my front door this morning and was rushed by a flood of sun warmed air and then I opened the storm door and all I could smell for a minute was wet/drying earth. It smelled amazing. That smell has kind of made my day, and I know who it came from.

Memories are not easily realized

I miss my innocence, my idealism, I miss the days when I could say "I wont do that again" and it held true. I miss days when I was closer to God and it seemed like less of a challenge to be that way. I miss most of all a purer mind and heart and body than I now have.
I like Laura, love writing. It does make me feel better, and it helps me express in a much more eloquent manner.
I also miss when I could yell insanely to my friends about my problems and have them yell back in return. When those problems were all things that I could yell about.
I miss yelling, and the bridge, and a quiet cool, familiar coffee house off of east main.
Honestly, I can't do a whole hell of a lot about most of these things, but some I can. And I plan to.

Good days

So, I spent the weekend in Savannah,Ga and went to the Sidewalk Chalk Art Festival at SCAD, it was amazing. I talked a good bit with Tyler and it was really really good. We talked for like 2 hours last night about a million things.
Tonight, Shack was amazing, I had a difficult time at first, I couldn't focus. But I basically just prayed it out and then got really into worship and had a great time, it just filled me up with joy. Dan's teaching was really great, and surprisingly on point for me.
Driving to Shane and Hugo's was amazing, I went to Sbux and had my windows down with a warm breeze that carried jasmine and honeysuckle the whole drive. God is Glorious.
His arms are tight around me tonight.

In Full View.

I haven't posted much in a while. It's because life has just been at a place that I would not have really taken joy in writing about. Slowly though, it's been picking up, there are still some spots that I need help in and need to be more pro-active in, but it'll never be perfect. And for all those little spots, I'm trying my hardest to remember to ask God about them/for help in them. Pride, I have come to realize, can be a sickness. I'm trying to find the Antibody.
Jason, Laura, and Kyle are doing this side project now, it's pretty epic. www.myspace.com/thevalleythemount . go and listen.
In other news, I'm pretty certain that I know what I'm going to get for my tattoo. It goes like this :Made In The Image Of Love. I want it in script. And in wanting this I have kind of thrown myself into the pursuit of finding out/knowing/accepting what this statement means. This is a statement of my own invention. And here is the logic that led me to make this statement: God is Love, We are Created in His image, We are able to love because He has loved us first, Being made in His image is what lets us Love. Therefore we are made in the image of love.
This is what I have made of it since: God is Love, We are Created in His image, We are able to love because He has Loved us first, We were Created purely to love, as in we were created purely for Him to Love us, His love is made complete in us. That is how we are made in the image of Love.
"We were Created purely to love, as in we were created purely for Him to Love us."
This is a conclusion that I came to last night while driving home from Guys Group. I was just telling God how silly and ridiculous it was for Him to Love me, we have this conversation a lot, God and I. And I started to say how He loves me unconditionally and illogically and stupidly and no matter what I do, because He Doesn't love me for anything that I DO. His love for me has nothing to do with what I have or have not done. It's always there and will always be there and always has been there. He loves me because that's what I was created for. He did not create me to just worship and love Him, He created me so that He could Love me. He created everyone so that He could poor out His unconditional and illogical, Greater, Agape Love on to us. And that's it. You ask why we exist, that is the closest answer I can come to. And that's why our greatest commandment is to Love Him and our second greatest commandment is to Love others. We should Love them because He created them for that purpose. If they are good enough for Him to love, then what makes us so damn special that we should not love them just as irrationally and irrevocably. This revelations is presently blowing my mind, and may just be what I need to really understand that I am Loved and just HOW Loved I am.
God, You love us....and oh, how You Love us.

Honnor thy mother and father.

I just spent like three hours or more talking to my mom. She's scared to death she wont get up in the morning. It was amazing. We learned so much about eachother, and have started to understand eachother so much more. Our relationship is being challenged but growing, it's a tough experience to learn to see your parents in a new light, but one that is ultimately rewarding I think. So I just thank God for this conversation, and for my entire day that He has led me through. It's been amazing.

my friends,

I am at an edge.
The edge of somthing deep and unknown. I can feel the power down below, like heat rising from a furnace, warm and gentle on my face. Welcoming, beckoning. But I know that jumping will break me. I don't mean, the fall, I mean the jump. The act of throwing my self from the stability under me, the superficial steadiness of control, into the willing arms of You will break me body and soul. And even though I know that I will be put back together as a better man than I am now by Your able hands, I'm terrified. Dependence is not somthing I'm good at. Because I like to draw my validation from lesser things than You and Your love. You're asking me to jump, but not willing to push me. You want me to project myself off of my false sense of security, for my own will to take my heels off the ground, and into.......You.
Will You hold my hand? Will You lead them? Will I? Can I?
You want me to know that I'm good enough. That I'm worth what You want, what You have to give me. How can I believe that? What makes me an heir? What made You love me?

I think i'm ready Lord, but who am I to know?

It seems as though You have so much planned for this week....


This was the begining of a drafted post that I was going to type on saturday night.
I had no clue what I was in for. I've experienced things this past for days that I never thought I would. I've been more spiritually stretched, sharpended, and made aware then I had previously thought possible. I have a love for the people in my church that is making me go insane. I didn't actually know my own heart could be this encompassing. I've prayed, thought, cried, sang, and laughed to the Lord to extents that still confound me and make me wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be sunday morning, and i'll be leaving to go to asheville then.
I've climbed a mountain and soared throught valleys. I'll never be the same person leaving a shack retreat as I was going into it. That much, I have learned.

The Lord is gracious and slow to anger.
He is rich in Love, He is good to all

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

I am very upset with The Watchmen. They made that movie in to an overly sensationalized parody of what it should have been. The Watchmen, in the comic, are above that crap, they are trying to fight against all of those things. I'm disappointed that I no longer feel safe taking a girl to see a movie. I'm upset that I don't feel okay watching an entire movie....I feel as though I would be damaging myself to watch an entire movie above Pixar level......

However, I'm reveling in the day God has brought. It's amazing, suppose to get up to 80. It's just windy enough too. I mean, i'm going to be working during most of it but i'm okay with that. And I'm just praying that it contiues to go until sunday at least.
Thank you, Lord, for the trip that I'm about to take! Thank you, for the job I'm about to go to.

Worship punching bag?

No, I don't mean worshiping a punching bag, I mean, worship as a punching bag.
Tell me if I'm being heretical here...
So, I didn't get my quiet time today...I was slack. So I was really frustrated, and council didn't help, it wasn't bad, it just felt weird to me tonight. Driving was rediculous, and parking was worse, and as a side note, I'd like greek lyfe a lot more if it's members didn't feel the need to try to kill me three times a night with their cars. Anyways, so I was driving home and I was barely containing the urge to go about 70 down knox abbot, but decided (or was lead to) turn on the radio instead, it was on WMHK, and a song that we sing at Shack was on so I left it there, and the next song wasn't really anything special, just loud with a lot of very loud vocal parts, so I sang along, in my beautiful broken voice that God alone enjoys, and vented all my frustrations out through that, and it was like I was giving it all to Him with out meaning to, or I guess doing it in a more formal way... it was a lot like I was hitting a punching bag, or driving really fast or somthing to that affect...it realxed me and calmed me down a lot...
So, thoughts?

Freedom for Freedom's sake.

In all my brokenness,
and for all the self-deprecation
and all the hate that is in me,
I will find Grace,
I will accept Grace, and I will pour out Grace,
in spite of my cynicism.

I will not be oppressed,
I will be free, I am free,
and I am so for freedom's sake.
Just as I am God's, I am free.

Free to Live,
Free to laugh,
And free to be
Free to enjoy God,
Enjoy Glory
Enjoy Grace
Rejoice in the One who,
Rejoices in me.

Rejoice
for the Lord is here
Here with me,
With you,
With us
In us.

In Him,
remember,
we are free,
yes you are free,
yes, yes we,
we are free.

Sirence is Golden

I have had the joy of having quiet time for the past three days in a row. This is really big for me, I wasn't every really a "quiet time" aka "conventional methods of faith" kind of person, especially when I started going to The Shack. But I guess God has changed my heart, and continues to do so. Having finally realized what I need to be doing, and actually doing it this time, I've finally gotten thursdays off for House Church. This is amazing and i'm so excited!

And aside from that benifit, I've had a lot more peace lately, and have just felt a lot better in general...

ps. if you haven't heard The Everybodyfields you shou.

Growth?

So, I think that I've kinda hit another notch in my spiritual growth, and I know phrasing it that way sounds as though i'm trivializing it but i'm not. And if God lets people know when this happens i apparently miss it. How I end up knowing is that my old routine of worship/prayer/scripture doesn't fill me like it use to, and then it hits me! "oh, God requires more from me now, I need to move on to more solid food" and just like everything else about our relationship He has to push me into it. I hope He sees me as comical...

And I think this is one of the reasons that I haven't been getting off work to go to Rio, it's because He is requireing more from me in my daily pursuance of Him. Because otherwise Rio is where I mainly pursue God, and I guess I need to step up my game. Which I can do, and am going to do right now.

Thanks for reading!

If I had made a list of the things I needed most tonight,

It would have been,
a wonderful book
a cd
cookies
a highlighter
a pack of gum
a bandaid
a pencil
a bar of soap
koolaid mix
all with encouraging verses of scripture,
and an encouraging letter telling me all the things I needed to hear.
in short: mencouragement; a bag of goods showing the love that I've always known was there, but am still glad to recieve none the less.
I haven't listened to the CD yet, I'm afraid I'm going to get emotional, and while I'm not afraid of geting emotional, I'd rather do it alone in my room. with out witnesses.
So Thank you girls of the Shack. You've no idea of the blessing you are and how much I needed this tonight. You may have just saved me from myself. (not in a suicide way, but in a self depricating way.) So once agian thank you, and I promise you all that it will be returned in short.

I'm suprised I'm still alive.

I was up till 4:30 last night b/c I had to babysit drunk people, or well,...a person. And I don't mind at all, he's a wonderful guy I love to death, but stil... I had to get up at 9:30 to go do landscaping stuff, Got there at 11, didn't get home till 1:30, ate, slept for litterally 20 minutes, showered, and then went to work, where I have been for the last eight hours. my day has been 15 hours long, with 11 hours of work, and on 5 hours of sleep.
I think that we can all just trust that God is the only reason I am still living, even though if you saw me right now, you might disagree with me about that whole alive thing.
AND! because of blue laws I couldn't buy a razor to shave with before church tomorrow...that's irony, son.
Prayer, Sleep, Church, Paper, maybe Shack. That is as far as my life planning goes right now...i'll worry about the job and kids tomorrow.

A fool looks at a finger that points to the sky

Oh, how that phrase depicts my life. If only. If only I would always look to the sky.
Sometimes though, I stare at that finger a mighty long time.
And so does she.
And so does he.
When we should all be looking at Him.

Could I really be becoming less selfish? Could I care about someone enough to put in the work? We'll see I guess....

Pace your self
your tired body's
Gonna let go
Before you reach the end.

Oh God, my God

Where have you been?

I'm pretty sure that this is the second time i've had that title in a relatively short amount of time. But i guess the situation I'm in is much the same again.
1: I'm continually suprised/impressed/proud of (in that order) how much my church prays. We pray before we worship, we pray while we worship, we pray after we worship, we pray after that prayer, we pray before/during/after communion/worship. and close it all out with a prayer. that's 1..2..3...4..5..6...7..8 times or somthing in a 2 hour period. Like legitiment praye in 2 hours...crazy.
2: I had one of the best realiztions of my entire existence to date last night. It is very long and has to do with how Jesus dying opened up for us the ability to feel the Most High Place (the big one in Heaven) via the Holly Spirit.
And how much I have taken God/Jesus/Holy Spirit for granted.
So, I've kinda loved the past three days of my life.. despite the rediculous amount of school work i have right now...
b/c "this too shall pass". I met a girl today and that was her motto...hmm.