I want to be bitter, and jaded, and furious, and jealous. I want to punch a wall, and cry and yell and i want to scream until my throat is raw. I want to sing and smile and laugh and scream my love for God and my friends until my voice is no more. I want to, i NEED to, expel the emotion racing through me. I'm so thankful that such a display of family was shown this past week, and infuriated that i wasn't part of it. I'm mad at myself for not being more accessable and hate the fact that i don't live in columbia. I feel like i'm missing so much and i don't know what to do about it. I feel helpless in this. I'm thankful for the times i do get to stand on green street and the time i spend with the family i have there. but regret every minute i'm not there, missing out on sumo in the park and getting coffee and playing poker, and seeing people on greene street.
Joy and anger are burning inside of me, fighting to be my primary emotion, making me confused and leaving me with a feeling of coals in my chest and an aching behind my eyes that i can only assume is an unshed tear. How dare i not have been there, did not give strength and support...
But i was praying, and that is best thing i could have done. but i could have spent more time praying. My heart is crying out for God, and my head is aching for peace.
God is so good, I've been singing, yelling, crying, laughing this for weeks. But why is it not reaching my heart tonight?
Lord of Peace, I cry out to you! Abide in me and calm my storm. Teach me to Love you. Please.
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