I feel like today has lasted for a life time. i've been drugged up, disapointed, patronized, uplifted, put down, self-depricating, joyful, and given the cold shoulder all in a 20 hour period.
I'm worried about my bestfriend, i know she'll always be there for me, but will she always let me be there for her? b/c to me, the latter is much more important.
i'm tired and can't sleep
i haven't had a real conversation in atleast two days. i feel like God is so disapointed in me, i might just die from this conviction.
I figured out that i 'm emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship, but not spiritually.
My heart isn't in the right place. It's with God, as always, but our desires aren't matching up, and i don't know how to make that happen.
i'm lonely...it's been so long since i've been truly lonely, but i feel like even God isn't willing to listen to me. Everyone i talk to just says "you'll be on your way home saturday, that's not very far" but to me, it's 5 more days without my friends, it's 5 more days before i'm back in my comfort zone....i wrote saturday in my journal that i wouldn't let my desire to work for the Kingdom be deminished just because i was taken out of that zone, but i can't keep with that. I feel dry, i feel lost, and i feel like i'm alone. i just wanna be home.
I'm so not ready...this is a simple challenge, but it's one i'm failing at. I need help, i need encouragement, but neither of those are likely to come. i just want someone my age-ish, who loves God and is in love with God, to talk to face to face.
this is my fault, i need to fix it, i need to get right with Him.
I'm weak, i'm breaking. God help me.
i'll make it, it's really not that bad, others have it much worse. difference is not bad, loneliness wont crush me, i'll be okay. despite the lack of help or support, or even conversation. I have God, time to let Him have me.
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2 comments:
um. of course. i'd love to.
i second the beautiful miss erin gail ellis.
...and what will define you? - october skies, waking ashland.
to understand the context of that quote, you'll probably have to listen to the song. so download it now.
denton, i hope you know that i think about you just about every day. and every time i do, a huge smile comes across my face. your self-awareness of where you are now, your past, and where you desire to be... is something that is far beyond an average 19 year old's maturity.
in other words, lil bro, i love you dearly. and whenever you feel faint of heart, remember...
"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." - 1 John 5:4
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