once again.

I'm searching for a friend for the end of the world.
and i pray for her on a regular basis now, or i'm starting to atleast.
but i'm hung up, i'm afraid, not of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. i can deal with my own pain, i can stand on my own in a storm of rejection, but i can't breath in the presence of someone else hurting because of me. and i mean, really, because of me, a decision I made, something I said. I can't hurt people, and it scares me to.
also can't even think about having anything serious right now, but i'm not suppose to date unless it's for marrige right? i'm just wasting my time otherwise...so i've been told at least. i don't know how to deal with all of this. Is it worth the pain? Is that 7 months, that 16 weeks, that year, worth the pain when it ends? as for my experiences with it, no, but then again, i was in really bad circumstances then. will it be different with a girl?
am i right to be scared? will this fear cause me to be alone forever? i'm already asking a lot of her, to accept me and my past, is it fair to ask her to break through my fear too, when she probably has her own also?
Do you ever feel good enough for the person you love?
so many questions...and no one to ask..
Guess i'll turn to God with them,...it'd be nice if He sent me someone though, i'll pray for that too.
*-.~._+.~*_-`-~*
So, i prayed, and i'm better.
still scared, still need someone to mentor me, but i'm better, at least, i feel better about said things. I'm alone in my cousins' house, and i just started worshiping and it was amazing and intense, and then i spilled something so i cleaned it up, and then i prayed, and it was amazing and intense and so deeply satisfying i feel like i'll never have to drink or eat again. I feel so content. My life is really in all actuality His life, and His life is never gonna go wrong so i have nothing to worry about and everything is gonna be peachy and golden and beautiful and yellow.
God is good.